Two and a Half Men

What the hell is that?

Oh, sorry.

I set my alarm so I could go home before Jake wakes up.

Turn it off!

I'm trying, but my arm's asleep.

Aah. There. Whew.

I can't believe you have a watch alarm.

Yeah, it's a Timex.

Well, a really nice knockoff.

Even has indiglo. See?

Oh! Oh, for God's sake, it's 6:00 a.m.

Oh, I know, sorry.

We agreed we don't want our kids to know about us.

Yeah, yeah, good-bye.

Bye.

Guess a little morning quickie is out of the question.

If you can do it without waking me up.

You're not really thinking about it, are you?

* Men. *

Dear Lord.

Charlie?

Huh?

You okay?

Sure.

Why do you ask?

'Cause... you're passed out on the stairs.

Really?

Oh, that's not good.

How much did you have to drink last night?

Let's see...

I don't know.

I wonder how I got my pants off over my shoes.

Maybe you took your shoes off, and then put them back on.

Think it through, Alan.

For what possible activity

would I need my pants off and my shoes on?

I don't know.

Chasing a reluctant hooker?

Can't rule it out.

So... where have you been?

I was with Lyndsey.

Who's Lyndsey?

Eldridge's mom.

Who's Eldridge?

Jake's friend?

Jake is my son.

I know who Jake is.

What I don't know is where my pants are.

Excuse me.

Guess who had a Cobb salad for dinner.

Charming. I'm, uh, I'm going to go lay down.

You know, Jake may not be the brightest monkey in the meadow,

but even he's going to eventually figure out

that you're banging his buddy's mom.

Don't worry. I'll tell him when the time is right.

And when is that?

When I'm sure that Lyndsey and I

have built a solid relationship that will last.

In the meantime,

I don't want to complicate his friendship with Eldridge.

Lyndsey's son, right?

Right.

: Ha!

Yeah. Yeah, very good.

The point is, I haven't said anything to Jake because

in a lot of ways, he's still a little boy.

He's not very sophisticated when it comes to adult sexual...

...relationships.

Yours?

Alan, she's like, 16.

And... again I ask--

hoping I won't be called to testify...

Yours?

No, she's coming from Jake's room.

Why would a girl be leaving Jake's room

at 7:00 in the morning?

Why do you think?

Oh, come on! He's 16!

Not everybody waits till they're a junior in college, Alan!

A sophomore, and I still wasn't emotionally ready.

Well, obviously your kid's a little more advanced.

No. No, this is unacceptable.

He and I are going to have to have a little talk.

Maybe he can give you some tips.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Unbelievable.

My little boy spent the night with two girls.

Two so far.

What?

We don't have a final tally.

There might be more clowns in that car.

You think?

At this point, anything's possible.

There's only one way to find out.

Hang on, hang on.

Come here.

Let's think this through.

What is there to think through?

The possibility of my son hosting an orgy?

Now, not to be a stickler,

but technically an orgy requires a minimum of six participants.

What?

It goes... masturbation, one-on-one, threesome,

two couples swinging,

two couples swinging with a looky-loo, orgy's six.

It frightens me that you know that.

Everybody knows that.

Well, whatever you call it, it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Now we're talking three girls and a guy named Bud.

What are you gonna do? Punish him?

Well, what do you want me to do? Give him a merit badge?

Well, it is quite an accomplishment.

This is not funny, Charlie!

Hey, I'm not laughing.

The kid's doing better than I am.

I woke up on the stairs alone.

Oh, you're up.

These were in the mailbox.

What the hell were they doing in the mailbox?

I don't know, but there's postage on 'em.

Well, I clearly had a plan of some kind.

What's everybody doing up so early?

We just saw two girls sneaking out of Jake's room.

Two?

Two.

Taterhead had a threesome?

We don't know that.

Maybe they were having an all-night study session.

My God, he had a threesome.

Morning.

Morning. Morning. Morning.

Hungry?

Yep.

Thirsty?

Mm-hmm.

Proud?

What?

Ignore him.

So, what'd you wind up doing last night?

Nothin'.

Nothing, you say.

So, just an evening alone in your room.

Pretty much.

Quiet? Uneventful?

Boring?

I guess.

Nothing I have to clean up?

Nope. Wait... I did have a sandwich in bed.

I knew it!

What are you talking about?

We saw the girls, Jake.

Well, this is awkward.

Two hotties, sneaking out of your room. Up top, little stud!

Charlie!

This does not call for a high-five.

You're right.

It's hugging time. Come here, you dog.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it.

I want to know what those girls were doing in your room.

He told you: They were making a sandwich.

Would you please?!

I am waiting for an answer.

All right. Their names were Tiffany and Joanne,

and they're from my school and they're into surfing.

Terrific. So what were they doing in your room!?

Hey, chill! I'm gettin' to it.

Yeah, chill!

He's gettin' to it.

They were going to sleep in their car so they could hit the waves

as soon as the sun came up, and I said they could crash here.

So...

nothing happened?

No, we're just friends. I slept on the floor.

Aww... Aww...

This is not "Aww."

This is "Yay!"

Yay. Yay.

So when I asked you about last night, why did you lie?

It's usually the simpler path.

And, and why didn't you ask permission

before asking your friends over?

You weren't around.

Where were you, by the way?

I went to the gym.

A little, little cardio, uh,

spinning class, light weights, uh,

you know, I'm just into maintenance, not bulking up.

Don't find that attractive.

I prefer the lean, mean swimmer's body.

You know, like...

Jesus.

Nice, Alan. Drag our Lord into it.

Anyway, you still could've called me.

Or-Or asked your uncle.

You didn't answer your phone,

and Uncle Charlie was busy trying to mail his pants.

Oh good, good, you saw that.

Did I happen to mention why I was doing it?