Parks and Recreation

- ANDY AND LESLIE SENT US CARE PACKAGES.

- "HEY, BEN, JUST A FEW THINGS TO REMIND YOU OF HOME.

LOVE, LESLIE."

AH, WAFFLE MIX.

JJ's DINER MUG.

NEW PAJAMAS.

WOW, THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF IN HERE.

"BOX 1 OF 12"?

- "APRIL, HERE'S SOMETHING TO HELP YOU REMEMBER

OUR THREE-LEGGED DOG CHAMPION."

AH, THAT'S CUTE.

- "ALSO, YOU ARE WAY BETTER AT LAUNDRY.

"CAN YOU PLEASE DO MINE AND SEND IT BACK TO ME?

THANKS. LOVE YOU. MOUSE RAT RULES. LOVE, ANDY."

LESS CUTE.

"P.S. PLEASE HURRY.

"I'VE BEEN WEARING A BANDANA AS UNDERWEAR

FOR THREE DAYS NOW."

LOOK, THERE'S A PICTURE.

- AH! THAT'S HORRIFYING.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

*

- OKAY, SO DO YOU HAVE THE RESULTS OF THE STUDY?

YES, AND THEY'RE GREAT.

YOUR TAX ON SODA

WOULD DEFINITELY LOWER DIABETES IN THIS TOWN.

OH, AND I HAVE A GREAT PROP FOR THE MEETING.

THIS IS THE AMOUNT OF SUGAR

THAT THE AVERAGE PAWNEE 10-YEAR-OLD CONSUMES,

FROM SODA, EVERY MONTH.

- THAT IS GROSS. - IT'S GROSS.

- ALL THAT SUGAR? - IT'S REALLY GROSS.

- WHAT A POWERFUL IMAGE. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE SUGAR? IT'S SO GOOD.

MY FIRST ACT AS A CITY COUNCILWOMAN--

I'VE PROPOSED A TAX ON ALL THOSE GIANT SUGARY SODAS

SO WE CAN DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM DRINKING THEM.

I BELIEVE, WITH MY HELP,

ALL LOCAL RESTAURANTS CAN GET HEALTHIER--

PAUNCH BURGER, BIG AND WIDE, THE FAT SACK,

CORONEL PLUM'S SLOP TROUGH--

WHICH WAS FORMERLY SUE'S SALADS

UNTIL WE RAN THAT OUT OF TOWN.

AH, COUNCILWOMAN.

IN HONOR OF YOUR NEVER-ENDING QUEST

TO PERSONALLY BABYSIT

EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN CITIZEN,

I WENT TO PAUNCH BURGER AND GOT MYSELF A NUMBER TWO--

DOUBLE BACON GRENADE DELUXE, HASH BROWNS,

CHILI CHEESE FRIES, AND ONE POACHED EGG.

- UGH! NUMBER TWO IS RIGHT.

- I ALSO PICKED UP A 64-OUNCE SWEETUMS SUGAR SPLASH.

DAMN IT, I LOVE THIS COUNTRY SO MUCH.

- RON, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU'RE HERE.

OUR POLITICAL DIFFERENCES ASIDE,

I AM ABOUT TO GO TO MY FIRST COMMITTEE MEETING

AS A CITY COUNCILWOMAN.

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY TO YOU.

PLEASE DON'T.

- I KNOW YOU HATE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS,

BUT I WOULD NOT BE WHERE I AM IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU.

YOU HIRED ME. YOU'VE ALWAYS SUPPORTED ME.

HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?

GET ME A REFILL.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

SO, I'VE BEEN GOING OVER YOUR REPORTS.

LET'S TRY TO BE CONSISTENT WITH OUR FONTS, GUYS, OKAY?

THERE'S A CRAZY AMOUNT

OF RANDOM FONT DIFFERENCES IN THESE MEMOS.

- YEAH, PEOPLE. CONSISTENT FONT USAGE. COME ON.

- TIMES NEW ROMAN, ACROSS THE BOARD.

NO GENEVA, NO GARAMOND, DEFINITELY NO PAPYRUS.

- PAPYRUS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THERE'S NO PLACE FOR THAT IN A PROFESSIONAL OFFICE SETTING.

- YES! THANK YOU, APRIL.

THESE COLLEGE INTERNS REALLY NEED TO BE WHIPPED INTO SHAPE,

BUT DON'T WORRY, BECAUSE THEY CALL ME DEVO,

'CAUSE I CAN "WHIP 'EM GOOD."

AND OBVIOUSLY MAKE SURE THE CONTENT'S PERFECT TOO.

OH, AND, UH, 12 POINT.

13'S JUST OBNOXIOUS. GREAT MEETING.

OUT OF THE WAY, PEOPLE.

MOTIVATIONAL BRIGADE COMING THROUGH.

HO HO!

- SO, YOU BOYS ARE GONNA GO WORK OUT TOGETHER, HUH?

NICE. WHEREABOUTS? - COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

EH, THAT'S TOO FAR.

- CHRIS AND TOM OFFERED TO HELP ME TRAIN

TO BECOME A POLICE OFFICER.

THE PHYSICAL EXAM IS ABOUT THREE MONTHS AWAY

AND I AM IN TERRIBLE SHAPE, BUT I CAN ALREADY DO THIS...

SO, I'M GETTING THERE.

SO, I'VE GOT A LIST OF EVERYTHING

THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO

TO GET INTO THE POLICE ACADEMY, AND NUMBER ONE IS,

"BE ABLE TO RUN 2 MILES IN UNDER 25 MINUTES."

THAT'S A TYPO, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THAT'S HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE.

- WHEN YOU ARE ABLE TO FOCUS YOUR MIND AND YOUR BODY,

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

MS. PINEWOOD,

RECENTLY, MANY OF THE LOCAL RESTAURANTS

HAVE CHANGED THEIR "SMALL-SIZE" OPTION

TO A WHOPPING 64-OUNCES.

- THAT'S CORRECT, AND IT'S GREAT FOR THE CONSUMER.

MORE BANG FOR THE BUCK.

ARE WE PUTTING BARGAINS ON TRIAL HERE?

- HOW COULD ANY SANE PERSON CALL THAT "SMALL"?

- WELL, IF THE CUSTOMER TRULY WANTS A SMALLER SIZE,

THERE IS AN OPTION.

- OH, DO YOU MEAN THE "LI'L SWALLOW"?

DOES ANYBODY BUY THAT?

- SOME GIRLS BUY THEM FOR THEIR DOLLHOUSES,

BUT THEY'RE NOT VERY POPULAR.

I MEAN, FOR ONLY A NICKEL MORE,

YOU GET 64 OUNCES.

- WELL, UH, PAUNCH BURGER JUST RECENTLY CAME OUT

WITH A NEW 128-OUNCE OPTION.

MOST PEOPLE CALL IT A GALLON,

BUT THEY CALL IT THE "REGULAR."

THEN, THERE IS A HORRIFYING 512-OUNCE VERSION

THAT THE CALL "CHILD SIZE."

HOW IS THIS A "CHILD-SIZE SODA"?

- WELL, IT'S ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A TWO-YEAR-OLD CHILD,

IF THE CHILD WERE LIQUEFIED.

IT'S A REAL BARGAIN AT $1.59.

I'M SORRY, MS. PINEWOOD,

BUT WHY WOULD ANYBODY NEED THIS MUCH SODA?

- IT'S NOT MY PLACE TO SPEAK FOR THE CONSUMER,

BUT EVERYONE SHOULD BUY IT.

- COME ON, ANDY, COME ON. YOU CAN DO IT.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

DIG, DIG, DIG, DIG, DIG, DIG, DIG, DIG, DIG.

- AAH! - YES!

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S SO HOT. IT WAS HORRIBLE.

OH, I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M SO TIRED.

EVERYTHING HURTS.

RUNNING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- TOM, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CRITICISM.

HOW DID HE DO?

- ANDY FINISHED HIS TWO-MILE RUN IN 29 MINUTES AND 43 SECONDS.

- NO! I'M NEVER GONNA BE A COP.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO BE A ROBBER.

- OH, COME ON. HANG IN THERE, PAL.

I'M GONNA DRIVE AROUND.

- - ANDY, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID, WHICH WAS TERRIBLE,

BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET YOU TO DO.

I GUESS I'M PROUD OF ME.

- THANKS, MAN. ME TOO.

WE HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO.

OH, HEY, ELLIS,

HAVE YOU PUT THE CAMPAIGN PICTURES UP ON THE WEBSITE?

- OH. YEAH. I STARTED DOING THEM.

- AND ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH DOING THEM?

- OH. LATER, MAN.

- I ACTUALLY THINK YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD,

EXCEPT FOR THE STICK UP YOUR BUTT.

WHO DO YOU THINK DREW IT?

WAS IT NATHANIEL? ELLIS?

MAN, I FEEL LIKE THESE INTERNS

DO NOT RESPECT OR LIKE ME AT ALL.

- HONESTLY, YOU COULD LOOSEN UP A BIT

ON THE FONT STUFF.

- - AND EVERYTHING IN GENERAL.

- GOD, THIS IS INSANE. THEY'RE INTERNS.

THEY'RE TOTALLY REPLACEABLE, AND I'M THEIR BOSS.

JUST FIRE THEM.

UH, HEY, JEN.

LISTEN, I'M HAVING A PROBLEM WITH SOME OF THE INTERNS.

I'M THINKING OF MAKING SOME CHANGES.

YEAH.

TURNS OUT ELLIS IS CONGRESSMAN MURRAY'S NEPHEW.

NATHANIEL IS RELATED TO DONALD RUMSFELD.

BRITTANY'S DAD IS BEN BERNANKE'S DENTIST.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE LITTLE TWERPS

IS SERIOUSLY CONNECTED.

SO, NEW PLAN.

INSTEAD OF FIRING THEM,

I AM GOING TO KISS THEIR ASSES LIKE CRAZY.

- MS. KNOPE, THIS IS ABOUT CONSUMER RIGHTS,

AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO DRINK OUR DELICIOUS SODAS,

WE DO PROVIDE HEALTHIER OPTIONS, LIKE WATER ZERO.

- OH, YES. LET'S TALK ABOUT WATER ZERO.

THE NAME IMPLIES THAT THERE ARE ZERO CALORIES,

LIKE MOST WATER, BUT IN FACT,

IT HAS 300 CALORIES PER SERVING.

ISN'T THAT MISLEADING?

THE ZERO ON THE LABEL

REFERS TO THE AMOUNT OF WATER IN IT,

WHICH IS ZERO.

IF YOU WANT ZERO-CALORIE WATER,

TRY DIET WATER ZERO LITE.

IT HAS ONLY 60 CALORIES.

- OKAY, I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- OH, COUNCILWOMAN, ONE MORE THING.