Space Force

- Just left. Left. - It's just boring.

- Trying to jazz it up a bit. -

The hearing will start in five minutes.

I need to collect your phones before you testify.

Dad, I'm in a hearing at the Pentagon. Space Force is on trial.

Space Force is where I work, Dad.

I've told you that a whole bunch of times.

Uh, no, I don't know if there's a Bonefish Grill here.

I think that's a Florida thing.

I will try the crab legs if I ever get over there.

All right, I gotta go. I love you...

Sir, your phone.

- You got it. -

- Now? Sure. - Mm-hmm.

Sorry about that. Oh my God. Are you seeing this?

Look at this. My hand is actually cramped on top of the phone.

- Maybe it's easier if I keep it. - Just give her the phone, son.

- How will I be able to tell time? - I have a watch.

- Why didn't you give her your phone? - Because I'm a four-star general.

- How will I be able to know about things? - You can do this, buddy.

- We believe in you. - Yeah, I know.

Thank you. Sorry about that. Here you go.

- Just… - I can't do it.

For fuck's sake. Come on.

General Naird, please follow me.

Mr. Secretary, first of all,

I would just like to say congratulations on your new position,

and I'd like to say

that I am eager to work with both you and the new administration going forward.

We'll see.

Our job today is to decide whether Space Force should continue to exist

and under whose command.

So, uh, General Naird,

can you recount with the utmost detail and precision,

uh, your recollection of what happened on the day in question?

Yes, sir.

Well, the day started as most do.

I showered and shaved.

I had an English muffin with orange marmalade.

No, wait. We'd just run out of marmalade.

Erin! Did you finish all the marmalade?

What?

Did you finish all the marmalade?

Oh yeah. I guess so.

Don't put the empty jar back in the fridge, please.

- Do we have any other jams or jellies? - What?

Do we have any other jams or jellies?

- General? - Yes.

I'm sorry. You were sort of lost in thought there.

- Can we skip ahead? - Of course.

- According to General Grabaston's testim... - Butter.

Huh?

I ended up using butter. On my muffin. Just as good.

Okay. According to General Grabaston's testimony,

the Chinese desecrated the American flag on the moon,

and you were ordered to destroy the Chinese moon base in retaliation,

and you refused.

- That is correct. - Ah-ha! Guilty!

He disobeyed a direct order and fled the premises.

But I soon returned to the base, where I voluntarily surrendered

into the custody of General Grabaston.

Kick, we have to do something. The astronauts are running out of air.

Not your problem, traitor.

Is this really necessary?

- You're a flight risk. -

But you won't get far dragging a mini fridge

full of diet cream soda, will ya?

Excuse the reach.

Don't mind if I do.

How can you drink that swill?

With my mouth. Watch and learn.

Oh, ugh!

That's root beer without the complexity.

That is a high-fructose people fattener.

The preferred beverage in convalescent homes.

There is a reason, Brad, it was rejected by the marketplace.

That is a Twinkie in a liquid form.

It is buttermilk passed through a baby's bottom.

- What is happening? -

Okay, great. Well, we've established that cream soda is not to Dr. Mallory's liking.

I believe that was a stress-related meltdown.

General Grabaston had detained me and my team against our will.

Oh, pretty little bedtime story, Naird.

That's enough, General Grabaston.

General Naird, are you aware

that General Grabaston has accused you of false imprisonment and mutiny?

Yes, and yes.

Yes, you are aware?

Yes.

What's the second yes?

That he accuses me.

The rest of that sentence I totally disagree with.

- -

Oops.

Oh. Sorry.

I saw you vomit into the umbrella plant.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. Um… Just still, like, adjusting to being back.

Can't sleep.

Earth is very noisy and, like, colorful.

Should we run some more tests?

Neurological, psychological?

Nah. I'm fine.

Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.

It's totally normal behavior for an astronaut.

I wasn't the same when I came back from Jamaica.

For weeks, everything tasted like jerk sauce.

I'm gonna need you to stop comparing my experience on the moon

with your Jamaican vacation.

One time I got so altitude sick in Vail that I got hammered off of kombucha.

Yeah, this one girl in my class got so high one time,

- she walked through a sliding glass door. - Wow.

Okay, great. So everybody can relate. Thanks for your input. Thanks.

- Oh! - Oh, General.

General, how did it go, sir?

Oh, it was fine. Fine.

- Just told 'em the truth. - Oh no.

- We are totally screwed. - He can't not tell the truth.

I mean, he was the star witness for the prosecution at my mom's court case.

Well, honey, I love her, but your mom is a felon,

and I want you all to tell the truth when you go in there.

Well, except I bet Grabaston's in there right now lying through his veneers.

Wait. Those aren't Grabaston's real teeth?

About as real as the truth he's telling.

Oh, that damn liar.

You know what, sir? I'm gonna lie too.

No. No, Brad, I want you to tell the truth.

Okay. Got it. The truth.

Why are you winking at me, Brad?

I'm not.

You just did it again.

- Did I? - Yes.

- No. No. - Hmm.

- Brad. - Hmm? What?

Promise me you are going to tell the truth.

The truth. I'll tell the truth.

Now, you've heard Mark Naird say he's the good guy,

that he should be celebrated

for ignoring an executive order to attack the Chinese on the moon.

Well, you wanna know what's wrong with our country today?

Mark Naird.

He's weak.

He wears a size eight shoe.

Can we really trust a man with the feet of a child?

Good point.

How can you guys just sit still? Doesn't your skin feel weird? Huh?

I mean, Kick has been in there a while.

I'm guessing.

I don't have my phone to tell for sure, but…

It's not a good sign.

But not necessarily bad.

I mean, he could be having a heart attack and somebody's reviving him, you know?

Hey, just wanted to say hello to "Space Farce."

Hey, don't worry. Sweetie.

I'll make sure they put your dad in a jail cell close to your mom.

- What the hell? - What is wrong with you?

- Eat poop. - That's enough, Kick.

Okay, okay, that came out wrong. What I meant to say was…

It'll make visiting day with your parents more convenient.

- - What's wrong with this guy?

Let me borrow your phone!

- She's a kid, you asshole. -

Oh my God. Is my dad really gonna go to jail?

- Dr. Mallory? You're up. - Ah.

Do not fret, friends.

Legal proceedings are a combat of the mind,

and few, if any,

have ever come as generously armed as I.

Yes.

General Grabaston did have a plan,

a nefarious plan, which I overheard.

It was a reckless scheme

to leave American astronauts to die on the moon.

Hmm.

"Hmm," meaning?

Well, it's your word against General Grabaston.

Do you have a taped confession?

No.

No, sir, I don't, but…

But Grabaston is a military Neanderthal,

and I'm me.

I'm also a military man, Dr. Mallory.

Proudly served for 23 years.

Does that make me a Neanderthal?

No.

You don't understand. I have a great respect for Neanderthals.

They were actually highly sophisticated hominids

capable of symbolic thought.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, honey.

I'm sorry you got roped into all of this.

Oh, it's okay. I'm glad I'm here.

Yeah, me too.

- - So, um,

what happens to me if you go to prison?

Oh, sweetie, I'm not going to prison.

Much like modern Neanderthals

turned the atom itself into a weapon of war,

for God's…

I'm sorry. I'll…

Perhaps I'll… I should… I'll stop.