Hollywood Darlings

What is this audition for?

It's for this show.

It's sort of like "Once Upon a Time."

You know, kind of fairy tale-esque.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Playing a fairy godmother. - Really?

- Mm-hmm. - Kind of always saw you more

as a godfather type.

Ugh, I'm sorry. What is up with the props and costumes?

What, like, you can't go in for a fairy role

- without having a freaking wand? - Right?

I remember the days you'd be in acting class,

- you would prepare for auditions. - Right.

And you had to rely on your talent.

- Ridiculous. - The whole thing sort of reeks

- of desperation, you know? - Yeah.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you for coming in so prepared.

Though it is going to be hard for me to see anybody else

because you look perfect for this role.

Thank you so much, and I look forward to hearing from you.

- Have a good day. - You too. Bye.

Oh! Hi!

- Are you going in next? - Yeah.

Oh, I gotta go pick up the kids, otherwise...

- But call me later, okay? - Okay.

Bye.

Okay, Jodie, you ready to get in

on our "Bachelor" fantasy league?

We are bringing you into the "Bachelor" fold this year.

I mean, the whole idea of that show just seems kind of lame to me.

Like, people going on TV looking for love and, like,

a real relationship?

I mean, who does that, right?

It's just... I don't know.

- Okay, like, that doesn't... - Uh, Jodie?

- What? - DeAnna was "Bachelorette."

- Yeah. - Oh, my... hi.

I... am an asshole.

- Um... - It's fine.

This is gonna be fun. This is gonna be fun.

- This is gonna be great. - Yeah, it's great.

- Can we get down to it? - I love it.

All right, let me explain the rules of the game.

So this is how it works.

Every category has a different point value system.

For instance, first kiss, that's 10 points.

- That's big. - Mm-hmm.

First girl to faint, 3 points.

- Everybody faints. - What?

What do you mean everybody faints?

- There's a two-on-one. - Yeah.

What kind of show is this?

First cry, 5 points.

First drunk, 5 points.

First drunk cry, that's 15.

All right.

Okay, okay, I think I get it.

I don't know if this is quite fair, though.

I feel like you kind of have an upper edge on us.

I mean, if you watch, it's all in the music.

It's like when the girls come out,

they're either, like, crazy or they're not.

- $100 buy-in? - All right.

All right, I'll take a $100 buy-in.

- Yeah! Good. - All right.

I'm gonna do research.

- Mama needs some diapers. - Hi.

- Sorry, excuse me. - Hi.

I was wondering if it was possible

you can take that outside maybe?

Or perhaps somewhere else?

- In your car or just... - Is he talking about...

- Oh, you... oh, no. - Our customers

- have been complaining. - Are you talking about my baby?

Hold on. Let me just get this straight.

You want me to go outside and sit in my car...

it's 95 degrees outside... and breastfeed my child?

- So is that a no? - Uh, yeah! I'd say that's a no.

Do you want me to make you a hamburger,

and go put a quilt over your head,

and have you eat it?

Who the fuck complained? Huh?

Who the fuck complained? Was it you?

- Um, enjoy your coffee. - Oh, yeah.

I will enjoy my coffee.

Anybody want some cream in their coffee?

That's what I thought.

You can go to a strip club, but I can't do

what my boobs are actually supposed to be doing?

I just had, like, mom rage.

- Wow! - I feel like I could, like,

- flip a car right now. - I think you could.

Right? Such an animal.

- That was awesome. - Animal.

Right?

Okay.

Kenzie actually picked out her very first birthday present

that she's so excited about.

She wants to redecorate her room and get...

a big-girl bed!

Isn't it cute?

Kenzie picked an all-white bedroom set?

She's four.

She has sophisticated taste.

Seriously?

- 2,500 bucks? - For the dresser?

This is the price of a small Honda.

She saw it in a catalogue,

and she totally has her heart set on it.

I mean, I can't disappoint her.

I'm sure that we could find

just as beautiful of a bedroom set, like, downtown somewhere.

You know, it might be made in China and have lead-based paint,

but it would look the same.

She would never know the difference.

Just tell her not to lick it.

Fine.

I'm not trying to crush your dreams.

- You're crushing. - I just think you're being

a little unreasonable spending that much money.

Hey, Jodie, uh, I'm gonna meet you at the car.

- Okay, sounds good. - Okay.

Could I get an application?

I feel like I'm about to make history,

like Amelia Earhart when she was gonna fly around the world.

That... that didn't end well.

Oh, details, details.

So the video that Jodie took of me in the cafe went viral,

and I got contacted by the Bureau of Organized Breastfeeding

to be the face of their organization.

"BOOB"?

Se... seriously?

I know. It's great, right?

Looks like a man eating his fist.

Every celebrity that's worth their weight in their

A-list gold has a charity that they're associated with.

This is gonna be awesome because I can actually do good

for an organization I really care about,

but I can also be seen doing good, you know?

I'm a BOOB.

Yes, you are.

Today does mark my sixth year of consecutive breastfeeding.

Thank you so much.

Now we have something really big and exciting coming up for...

Actually, she's here.

Uh, this is Christine Lakin, who I'm sure you all recognize.

- Hello. - She's gonna be our new

celebrity face of the Bureau of Organized Breastfeeding.

- Hello. - Oh, my God!

- And... and Jodie Sweetin! - Hi.

Well, this... this is really gonna take us to the top.

To have two celebrity faces of BOOB, I mean,

this is just so exciting, right, ladies?

Oh, I... no, I'm actually just here to support Christine.

- Yeah. - Oh, well, it's so exciting

- to have you guys here. - Hanna, thank you so much

for having me. And, ladies, I just want to say

that I am honored to be the face of BOOB.

This is a cause and an organization

I feel really, really strongly about.

And I want to be able to take my celebrity

and really elevate BOOB to the perkiest status that it can be.

- So we are gonna fight... - Whoo!

for our right to lactate anywhere we goddamn want!

Yes!

- Yes! - This is wonderful.

So, guys, I have decided on our next target

for our next pump and dump.

There is a city councilman who is proposing

that they stop public breastfeeding

in restaurants in this city, and we are gonna show up

to his town hall and shame him like he deserves to be shamed.

Yes! Yes!

Ah, ooh.

What is a-a "pump and dump"?

A pump and dump is our specialty.

So we find people who have shamed us

and we shame them right back.

We gather a bunch of breast milk that everyone

very generously donates, and we dump it on their heads.

- Yes! - Whoo!

Oh, okay.

And who better to do it

than the face of BOOB, Christine Lakin?

- Whoo! - Your face will be everywhere

showing you supporting this cause...

- Oh... wow. - And everyone will know you

are willing to go that extra mile.

- Yeah. - Whoo!

So much to just be taking in right now.

Yes, take back that nipple.

Take back the nipple.

Take back the nipple! Take back the nipple!

Take back the nipple. Take back the nipple.

Take back the nipple.

Hello, Beverley.

- You look great. - Thank you.

I was just admiring that beautiful set.

It is gorgeous. That is the last set.