Stuck in the Middle

Christmas is a magical time of year in the Diaz house,

full of holiday traditions...

the fight over who gets to hang the star on the tree,

the fight over who gets the biggest stocking,

the fight over...

I'm realizing it's a lot of fighting.

But one thing we can all agree on

is making our pasteles.

I'm going to pretend you didn't use those

to dig for worms.

Wait, how long do you steam these pasteles?

Rachel, of course, chose the one job

she could do without looking up from her phone...

setting the timer for the steamer.

She also chose to go to France this Christmas

with her friend's family,

so the pastele train is cut short.

I'll ask Mom.

Never mind. You're busy.

I guess somebody has to call abuela. Who wants to...

This time of year,

no one wants to call abuela.

Not because we don't love her.

We have the best abuela in the world.

She even has a T-shirt to prove it.

Will you come to Florida for Christmas?

Seeing you all would be the best gift I could get.

We always mean to, but we never do,

which leads to our least favorite holiday tradition...

disappointing abuela.

I try to make up for it.

Every year, I make her a special ornament

of our family for her tree.

But a special ornament of her family on her tree

isn't the same as our actual family around her tree.

Safer, but not the same.

Steam them for one hour.

I'm making mine tomorrow.

Nobody makes pasteles like your abuela.

I know.

They're the pastel-iest.

So Harley...

Here it comes. The ask.

Are you as cringe-y as I am right now?

Hot yoga's starting, mijita, gotta run.

She didn't even ask.

Abuela's giving up on us.

We have to go to Florida!

Right after urgent care.

Abuela's the only person who actually wants our family to visit.

She didn't even ask?

That's bad.

Next year, Florida.

We've been promising that for so long,

even I'm not buying it.

Now abuela's lost faith in us.

We have to show her we still have our act together.

You mean lie?

You always say Christmas is the season of believing.

I believe we can do this.

You must also believe

that a giant money tree just sprouted in the yard,

because last-minute plane tickets will be a fortune, Harley.

Hey, Rachel ditched us for France.

That's one less plane ticket to buy.

I know how we can pay for the trip.

Don't buy us kids the big family gift we picked out.

Huh. I guess if you all want to...

Yes!

Start decking those halls, abuela.

We're coming for Christmas, and this year, we mean it.

Promise.

The other kids are good with this?

You want us to give up our pool table?!

That is a ho-ho-horrible idea.

It took four months for us to agree on the pool table

as our big gift, and now you want us to give it up?

If anyone would like to be my new BFTF, there's an opening.

I knew we should've went with crocodile moat.

This wouldn't be a problem.

It'd be half dug by now.

Classic Diaz family over-think.

I can't go to Florida.

I've spent months collecting toys for the toy drive here.

Just drop them off before we leave.

Drop off. Listen to you.

The best part of the drive is matching gift to receiver.

And I don't wanna brag, but finding the perfect gift for each person

is kind of my super power.

It's true. How do you think we came up with the pool table?

Are you eating pasteles?

You gave back our perfect gift.

Maybe lose the judge-y.

I feel bad we can't go, but abuela will understand.

She loves us, even though we're us.

Okay, I didn't wanna have to tell you guys this,

but when I called her earlier,

she didn't even ask

if we were coming to visit her for Christmas.

What?! No guilt trip?

No "seeing you all would be the best gift I could get"?

- 'Fraid not. - We broke abuela.

This all feels so wrong now.

Guys, no one does the holidays like abuela.

Plus, a beach Christmas?

That's the best of two seasons jammed into one.

So who's with me?

Beach Christmas!

I made abuela my most special ornament ever.

Cool, huh? Press the button,

and let it snow.

And best of all,

none of these little Diazes have to shovel it.

Just gotta store it somewhere safe.

We found the sleeper seats.

Is that the flight attendant?

Order me a cranberry juice.

Guys, that's where the luggage goes.

We didn't bring luggage. Georgie's using it.

Beach vacation.

Harley, all you need is a bathing suit.

You're not supposed to be up there.

Santa knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake,

and he knows when you're annoying the entire coach section of an airplane.

Eh. We've been so bad this year,

we've already blown it.

We're usually on the coal list by Valentine's Day.

Santa's super old.

He's lucky if he remembers to put his pants on

before he gets in the sleigh.

These last few days are the only thing he's gonna remember.

Lewie, we got a do-over.

We're back in the gift game.

We gotta get outta here before Santa sees.

Or Dad sees. You're punished. Get outta there.

Excuse me, sir. Don't be alarmed.

I'm just using your left shoulder as a step.

He's not. You're not.

Sorry.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday

is meaningful to you and your family.

Excuse me, miss. You're gonna have to check that.

I can't. I already checked five bags of toys.

He's for a very special yet-to-be determined underprivileged child,

and he can't be damaged.

I'll just put him under the seat.

He looks bigger than he is.

Oh! Piece of cake.

Do you like cake? I love it.

Chocolate, vanilla, marble, black forest, Bundt.

You know what? You go ahead and do your thing,

I'll make us a list, okay?

Why are you wearing my seat?

It said these can be used as flotation devices.

I'm taking this body surfing.

Why don't you use your own?

We need those in case of emergency.

They're your brothers, it's Christmas.

Your brothers. It's Christmas.

Whoever's assigned to that seat isn't going to let Deathnee sit there.

That's the point. There's always

an extra seat on a plane.

So we need to make whoever's sitting here want to sit over there.

No one changes seats to avoid a doll with a bad haircut.

She's the first line of attack.

Me and you are the second.

Sick or crying. Which one do you want?

I'm not pretending to be...

It's too bad we couldn't all get seats together.

Yeah, but, you know,

last-minute tickets, kids can't sit in exit rows.

You didn't even try, did you?

The kids are locked in a tube with paid babysitters.

We got aisle seats, and you're gonna question this?

Oh, here you go, sir.

This seat is empty.

"Welcome aboard Where To Air.

Generic greeting welcoming passengers."

Oh, shoot, I'm supposed to fill that in.

Anyway, we'll be dashing through the skies,

and reaching Florida in two hours and 15 minutes.

Look at all those other dummies,

squished together, sharing arm rests.

We are so the smartest Diaz kids.

Hello, fellow travelers,

and Santa, who might be listening.

As a special gift for this holiday season,

please enjoy arm fart "Jingle Bells,"

brought to you by the one and only Lewie and Beast Diaz.

Yeah, maybe we keep that Diaz thing to ourselves.

- Yeah. - Feel free to sing along.

Don't call the flight attendant.

Keep this between the three of us,

and these are yours.

And there's more where that came from.

I'm watching Heather's Cottage,

and Lord Dalliwag just died of consumption.