Family Tree

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Tom: Alistair Chadwick, Jr.

Glendale, California.

He's got a phone number on here.

His number's on here, Pete.

Good.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

Yeah, the, um...

the bloke you're always talking about.

That's right. I thought you weren't listening.

No. God, no.

- Hello. - Hello.

- This is... - Oh.

...Thomas Chadwick.

I'm looking to speak to Alistair Chadwick, Jr.

This is a voicemail. I just realized.

I am a-- your relative in London, England.

We are spawned from the great Chadwick oak.

So let's chat about how great that is.

Thank you very much.

Y'all have a nice-- come back and see us, now.

You hear?

They'll love that.

- Yeah. - That was your out.

They probably thought I was an idiot until they heard that.

And then they're like, "Oh, he's just one of us."

One of the gang.

- Oh, f-- - ( crashes )

You've made me crash.

These are so old.

Oh, Tom, you'll never guess

what old muggins here has got to do this week.

Uh, finishing primary school.

No.

Um, you're going dogging in Kew Gardens.

No, you won't guess.

I have got to get alpaca spoo

to inseminate a hembra.

Typical me.

I-- I mean, I didn't understand any of it.

I've got to get spoo from an alpaca...

Spoo?

Spoo.

Spoo.

You know, spoo, spunk, jizz,

cock snot, baby batter, nut butter.

- Semen. - Semen.

- That's another one. - I'm familiar with it.

Yeah, so I've got to get alpaca spoo

to inseminate a hembra, a female alpaca,

and have a baby.

And what's a baby alpaca called?

Oh, God! It's the new Sherlock Holmes.

That's an unusual name.

Watson: You seem a bit preoccupied, Holmes.

Do you notice anything unusual, Watson?

It does seem a bit hot in here.

Your capacity for gauging the subtle changes

in your own body temperature is admirable, Watson,

but the warmth you are feeling is the result of having

more Marmite than usual on your sandwich at lunch.

And as a doctor, you would know that yeast extract

contains a high amount of niacin,

which has caused you to experience a slight heat flash.

Holmes: However, my concerns

are somewhat more cosmic in nature.

Watson: I don't understand.

What are you doing?

Getting my DNA

to speed up the whole family tree thing.

Yeah? Give us a go.

It kind of defeats the purpose if you use the same--

I want to do it.

Why can't I do it?

All right.

Yeah, okay.

- Could we be related? - I don't think so.

I hope not.

Tom: I'm no button expert.

I've never claimed to be one.

But I think these are American.

It's got an eagle on it

and it says "quality" on the back.

So it can't be made in England.

These people are American-- Charles and Rebecca Chadwick.

But they left America.

When everybody else from England and Ireland were on ships

heading over to the East Coast,

Charles and Rebecca Chadwick

came from America on their own

to spawn Harry Chadwick, my great-granddad,

and later me and all of these guys

and this guy, Brian, my great-uncle.

And later his sons Graham Chadwick

and Ronnie Chadwick, who I've tracked down.

And they run a farm in Derbyshire.

I'm gonna go and see them 'cause I want answers.

Tom: Think this is good?

Mr. Pfister: Yeah, I'm not sure, Tommy.

I think this might be more Warwickshire

or Leicestershire than Derbyshire.

I just want to make sure that I fit in.

This is nice.

Did I tell you that I met Sarah at Sainsbury's?

It was good. Really nice.

The first time since--?

Yeah, first time since we broke up.

So it was good. She was looking well. She was looking...

Um, she was with someone.

- Some guy called Clint. - Clint?

It was closure, actually. It felt nice.

Although she did do this thing where she'd--

that kind of, you know-- "Hey, Tom," you know?

She'd kind of drop her head to one side.

I'm like, "I'm not having that."

So then I was like, "Oh, I'm fine. How are you?"

She was wearing red lipstick.

I used to love when she would wear red lipstick.

She would never wear it for me

because she thought it looked too slutty.

She would wear this pale pink shit.

But, no, Clint likes red lipstick, so she's all over it.

She looks like a big sexy clown mouth.

I think this is good.

I like the hat.

Just top it off. What do you reckon?

- You want my honest opinion? - Yeah.

You look like a grade-A cock, man.

That's great.

Man: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Chadwick.

Tom: Sure. Sure, no problem.

Are you familiar with the new software?

The new software...

Which-- which one would be the new software?

The industry standard software

that we all have to use now.

We were more hands-on.

We would use models and...

So you don't know how to use the software?

No.

All right. Um...

Please give me the job.

Pete: Right, come on in, Taurus.

Step one: impregnation.

Getting you in the mood...

for lovemaking.

Oh, look at her. Eh?

You know she's got a really long neck

and little, short, stubby legs

and a great big ass.

I don't know what's up with Taurus.

He might not be ready to be a dad.

Do you know what? If someone was--

'cause I was there watching him, telling him to get hard.

And that's-- that's an added level

of pressure and anxiety

that no bloke needs,

and no one wants that to happen.

But I imagine being a dad.

How cool would that be?

I'd love to be a dad.

I mean, I've got to find the right girl first.

None of the girls I'm seeing at the moment are--

they're not mother material.

Well, one of them is a mother.

But the others are like 16 and 18.

I met her at an over-40s night in Catford.

And she's a terrible mom, actually.

I mean, so I wouldn't--

none of the ones I'm seeing would be--

but if I meet the right girl, I'm happy to have a baby.

It'd be a little babe--

and I'd wear it on a papoose

and then I'd push him on the swings and the roundabouts.

Then I'd have a go, 'cause I still love playgrounds,

especially when drunk.

Keith: I get a bit nervous once we get out of town, you know?

I don't trust nature. It's anarchy.

I wonder why Brian and William fell out.

Could be a million things.

Maybe he was locked in an attic.

Didn't get out much. Ate cat food.

Mildred said that one of them could do no good

and one of them could do no bad.

- What does that mean? - I don't know.

It's probably something very mundane.

- Has someone farted? - Monkey.