I'm Dying Up Here

Well, but, we'll find out.

Uh, uh, I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight.

Uh, my next guest is a very funny comic,

making his first Tonight Show appearance.

He's a former Bostonian.

Will you please give a warm welcome to Clay Appuzzo?

Congratulations, ladies.

Congrats, by the way. Big court win.

Abortion is legal.

Yes.

Clap for that. Clap for that, guys.

That's a big win for us too.

That's fantastic, man.

How pissed are back-alley abortionists?

There goes six months of veterinary school

right down the drain.

My mom had six children. I'm one of six.

And according to her, we were all accidents.

Six accidental pregnancies.

We figured it out by now, haven't we?

This whole penis-vagina conundrum, right?

It's not the Manhattan Project.

Not a bunch of scientists standing around a baby

in a room going, well, I-I don't know how this got here.

I'm not quite sure I understand.

Yes, Professor Einstein?

Um, yeah, I just... I have...

I just have a hunch, if you will.

Maybe, perhaps, the babies are coming from the fucking?

Do you think it's from the fucking?

That's just my opinion.

Watch out. I got my eye on you.

Yes.

Tastes like tens and twenties.

Hey, Rob.

Hey, Goldie.

So you killed it at the Store last night.

You know, I-I wanted to be here,

but, you know, the only open spot

wasn't until after one.

Well, a lot of good comics go up after one.

Oh, I agree. I just, you know,

I have to be up at work at seven.

Totally understand.

I just don't give a shit.

Uh, okay, Goldie, well, it's just one fucking night, right?

Caught my ex getting a blow job in our office.

Took a fountain pen and stuck it through his hand.

That was one fucking night too.

Okay.

Goldie.

What the...

Rob, uh, he made a mistake.

And although I find the punishment harsh,

I do find it just.

Can I have his five minutes, please?

What's up, Carl?

People sitting in my booth's what's up.

Fuck.

Can I sit you somewhere else, please, just for tonight?

You know who I'm bringing here tonight?

- Charlie... - Callas.

Yeah, that's right, smart guy.

You're gonna tell an American treasure

he's gotta sit in the back?

All right.

Yeah, that's been my booth since the joint opened.

Should fuckin' know better.

Prick.

Hi.

How 'bout some free drinks? Does that sound good?

Where the fuck are my onion rings?

They're not drinking if they don't get their salt.

Somebody call me when Clay goes up.

Drunk dentist with a pair of fondue forks...

Uh, what else?

Oh, I got myself a pet rock. He's very sweet.

He was a rescue. I rescued him off the street.

He was a stray.

Pet rocks are great.

He's very protective of me.

I was not expecting that. It's funny.

Anytime my boyfriend says something mean,

he just jumps out of my hand and hurls himself at his head.

Try to get him to stop, but he won't.

Show us your tits!

You first, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, chivalry is not dead.

Hey, why don't you suck my dick?

Oh, what a sweet invitation.

I have not been asked out on a date in a long time.

Oh, there's a bunch of y'all, huh?

So what's the occasion?

It's my bachelor party.

- Whoo! - Yeah.

Well, what are you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.

A man comes into my office.

He says, can I use your Dictaphone?

I say, no, you use your finger

like everybody else.

Come on, you bastards, get off your high horses.

Hey, Goldie, sit.

Ah, that's a funny one.

Adam Proteau. What do you think?

I think I got more hair on my lip

than he does on his nuts.

Can you stick him in The Cellar?

Fleischer and Stephenson

open mic'd for over a year.

Trust me, if they'd spent a little more time and sweat

building the Titanic,

the word would still just mean "big."

Hey, Kay,

another Rob Roy, neat

for my friend Carl, huh?

Hey, pal, nice shirt.

Who... who'd you blow, Don Ho, for that shirt?

Yes.

There you go.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

Well, we'll... we'll find out.

Uh, I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight.

Uh, my next guest is a very funny comic,

making his first Tonight Show appearance.

Uh, he's a former Bostonian.

Will you please give a warm welcome to Clay Appuzzo?

Thank you.

Everyone, I... look,

I just want to... I want to be clear.

I'm not just a Bostonian.

I'm an Italian Bostonian.

We still talk with our hands, but we only use one finger.

So I grew up with a lot of brothers and sisters.

Italians used to have big families before television.

But now they only have kids when there's nothing good on.

But that's what they do, Italian parents.

They send mixed messages.

You mess up in school, Dad gives you the belt.

But then two minutes later, Mom comes in with a bowl of pasta.

So, I mean, that's how Italians love to do it.

They like to follow their violence

with a little something to eat, right?

So...

May I suggest the Alfredo...

With your beating?

The cream sauce really soaks up the tears.

Hey, you do know when Arnie flashes the light,

that means to get the fuck off stage, right?

I get off the stage when they stop fucking laughing.

Uh, laughing, Ralph, is the noise that people make

when they hear something funny.

Shut the fuck up, Sully.

- How's he doing? - He's killing.

Great.

"Great"?

That's not your "great" face, Bill.

That's the "why don't Johnny fuckin' love me" face.

How did they not shoot you in 'Nam?

There's nothing but bamboo

over there; what tree could you

have possibly fuckin' hid behind?

Yeah, are black hippos sacred over there?

- Shh, shh. - First of all, y'all saw

the pictures, I was lean and mean in 'Nam.

Charlie was terrified of me.

Called me "The Black Beast."

Black beast, that's what they call you at McDonald's.

- Black beast. - Fuck you, Sully.

Always talking shit. You know what?

When the revolution come, motherfuckers,

you on your own.

Guys, I'm trying to hear Clay.

Hear what?

His act is practically a sing-along.

Bill, I love you like a raging yeast infection,

but shut the fuck up.

- Gross. - Mm.