Blackadder Back & Forth (Blackadder: Back & Forth)

Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty?

New Year's Eve, 1999. A new century and a new millennium.

Let's drink a great big slurpy toast

to peace and understanding around the globe.

- Bravo! - Cheers!

After all, if history teaches us anything,

it is that, in the words of St Burt,

"What the world needs now is love, sweet love."

- Hear, hear. - What total codswallop.

If history has taught us anything, it is that the story of man

is one long round of death and torture.

And burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.

I'm sorry about the food, by the way.

Unfortunately, my cook got invited to an orgy at Delia Smith's house.

And so our chef for this evening is the man who cleans out the septic tank.

Baldrick!

- My lord. - God save us.

I trust you're all enjoying your food?

No, we're not, actually, Baldrick. What is this we're eating?

It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold

has taken two spoonfuls of Benylin to loosen the phlegm

and then coughed all over an avocado.

Well, funny you should say that, sir, because...

Yes, all right, Baldrick, yes. Thank you. You may go now.

I believe you've got some other duties to attend to.

Oh, yes. Excuse me, please, everybody.

Now, where were we?

We were bally well toasting the future.

Yes, and I suppose it might also be a perfect time to look to the past.

How on earth can one look at the past?

You can't see something that's already happened.

- Unless you're on the lavatory. - Good point, Bishop.

Yes, or unless one's got a time machine.

How likely is that?

Well, very likely, actually, Darling. Because I've just built one.

Stuff and stonsence! I've heard some rubbish in my time,

every time I open my mouth, as a matter of fact,

but a time machine?

It-it-it's j-j-just cobblers.

I can assure you, it is not.

This is an original sketchbook by Leonardo da Vinci.

And in the last year, I myself have built a time machine

to his exact specifications.

Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel

since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself,

"I'm bored with walking."

"I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell

and name it after myself."

Behold the time machine.

Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita.

It can't be real, Blackadder, it's a practical joke, surely.

Certainly not. When was the last time I played a practical joke?

Well, there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure.

And I donated one of my kidneys to save your life,

and then you said it was an April fool and we had to throw my kidney away.

Well, yes, there has been the odd hilarious practical joke.

But not this time. This is a working time machine.

And to prove it, I suggest a wager.

Oh.

I will bet you each £10,000 that I can travel through time

and bring back any items of historical interest

which you choose to nominate.

- Darling? - Well, yes, all right.

Yes, if you can travel through time, I'll... I'll pay up.

So long as you bring back with you a genuine Roman centurion's helmet.

Very well, a Roman centurion's helmet.

No, no, no, it's much too easy.

What about the actual Wellingtons

actually worn by Wellington on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo?

Lady Elizabeth would like the actual Wellingtons

worn by the Duke of Wellington

on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.

- Anyone else? - Oh, yes.

Ah, yes, I've got one. I want you to get...

I'd like to see you get your hands on these.

...an ancient, reeking, stinking pair of 200-year-old underpants.

18th-century botty-huggers, that's the ticket.

Very well, I shall be on my way.

This will, of course, take no time at all, in your time.

I shall merely step in, there will be a momentary shuddering,

then I will emerge triumphant.

Farewell, dear friends.

Well done, Balders, this is very impressive.

I'm sorry that I didn't have time to build it myself.

Don't worry, my lord,

I've followed Mr. da Vinci's instructions to the letter.

- Even though you can't actually read? - That's right, my lord.

But I have done a lot of Airfix models in my time.

Right. So we've got a centurion's helmet. Very good.

And the boots. Excellent.

The underpants. Where are the underpants?

Oh! Here you are, my lord.

They're my very best pair, and coincidentally, also my very worst.

So they are, in fact, your only pair of underpants.

That's right, my lord.

Just stick them in the bag. Oh, God!

Phwoar! Strewth!

Right. Let's just get all this stuff going, shall we?

Right, my lord. Ah, yes.

Right, right. Just shake it about a bit.

Make it look real. The best New Year's Eve prank ever.

Yes.

You hide there. £30,000, here I come.

Right. Interesting.

- What's happening, my lord? - Well...

For God's sake, do something, Baldrick.

Something useful. Come on, get something.

Just throw... Shoo! Go on! Go away!

Sod off!

One more thing. The underpants. Try the underpants.

Just there.

Oh! Bloody brontosaurus!

- Him, not me! - What?

Sniff my skids!

Fascinating.

One of history's great mysteries solved.

The dinosaurs were, in fact, wiped out by your pants.

Well, Balders, this is a turn-up for the books.

You have built a working time machine,

and are, therefore, rather surprisingly, the greatest genius who has ever lived.

Thank you very much, my lord.

- Right. Let's get out of here, shall we? - No problem, my lord.

Can you set the date so we can get home?

Yes. I just turn that there, pull that there, reset that there,

pull this lever like that and the date should come up.

But unfortunately, it doesn't,

'cause I was gonna write the numbers on in felt-tip pen

- but I never got round to it. - Right.

So the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries.

That's right, my lord.

In other words, we can't get home.

Not as such.

Excellent.

Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Baldrick.

Still, I think someone with common sense ought to be able to resolve this.

All we've got to do is put these controls back to where they were

when we first set off.

I think that was about there.

And these were here and here.

There. And that should get us home.

Excellent. You threw away our winning items, Baldrick,

but at least we're home.

Typical. They must have got bored and gone back for pudding. Oh, dear.

Right. Now, you're not going to believe...

Ah! Lord Blackadder.

Uh...

Elizabeth I?

You're wearing very weird clothes.

And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.

- Is that right? - Of course it's right. I'm always right.

Of course it's right.

- Melchy? - Ma'am.

Edmund is being very cheeky.

Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?

Well, one hates to be harsh, ma'am, but I do think

a bit of choppy-choppy is the only apt reaction.

Very well.

Kill him!

Unless, of course, Eddie, you've got a present for me?

- Oh. A present? - Mmm.

Uh, yes, certainly, Your Majesty.

A present. Erm...

- Quickly. Getting bored now. - Ah, yes. Now...

- Now, these may not look much. - They don't.

No, but, erm, well...

Well, let's say... Let's say... Let's say that there was a place

where you could buy absolutely everything.

We already have those, Blackadder, and they're called markets.

Right. Right. Well, imagine that, but times 10.

As it were, a supermarket.

Now, if you gave someone at one of these supermarkets this,

he would give you some bonus points.

Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans

at half the normal price.

Kill him.

No. No! There must be... Oh!

Oh! What are they?

Oh, they're just sort of sweets.

Minty things.

- I want one. - Yes, Your Majesty.

Oh, it's got a hole in it.

- No, they're meant to be like that. - Oh.

That's how they're made.

Oh! Blacky, you are so naughty.

It's the tastiest thing in the history of the world.

Try one, Melchy. What do you think?

Yes, indeed, ma'am. They're most pleasant.

This is incredible, 'cause, do you know, Smelchy,

the way you usually smell so bad,

it's like you've eaten a whole stoat for your breakfast?

Well, I am aware I have a less than orthodox mouthal odour, ma'am, yes.

Yes, well, you don't smell like that any more.

You smell absolutely yummy now, and not at all like a turd.

Oh, what a pity.

Well done, Blacky. Here, take this.

You sexy flirt.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, go forth and bring back lots more minty things

in the next five minutes,

or I'll come after you and crush your skull like an egg.