Raising Hope

Whoo!

The following is a presentation

of The Supermarket Channel,

home of the 2013 Grocery Games.

Natesville. Two towns over from Anytown, U.S.A.

It's the kind of town where people still do business

with a handshake.

Where every citizen-- four-legged or not--

is treated with the same level of respect.

Natesville has a long history of not having much history,

but that's about to change.

The 2013 International Grocery Games

have been awarded

to Natesville.

Finally Natesville will be known for something other than being

the town with that weird hum no one can track down.

I'm a bit of a Grocery Games junkie.

This is a-a poster from the inaugural Games in 1986.

When Reagan and Gorbachev finally sat down face-to-face

and found a way for our two countries

to challenge each other without resorting to nuclear weapons--

the Grocery Games.

And to this day, the American team has never won the Games.

This year, that is going to change.

Barney and the rest of Natesville's confidence

is so high because this year, the American squad is stocked

with Grade A grocery talent.

Stacy Finley, can-stacker.

Danny Bronson, grocery-bagger.

Paul Kroll,

champion cart-wrangler.

Last but not least, the anchor leg of the competition,

the event that separates the men from the stock boys--

the deli platter assembly.

American Brett Sommerstein, ironically

a vegetarian, is the best slicer of deli meats

this country has ever produced.

But victory is far from guaranteed,

as this year's Russian team is as strong as ever.

Local Natesvillapudlians open their hearts and their homes

to these gladiators of the grocery

in an unselfish show of sportsmanship and kindness.

What'd he bring us? What'de bring us? What'd he bring us?

Looks like... a bottle of turnip vodka,

some dried fish

and a bunch of socks.

Ooh, I need socks.

This hosting thing is awesome.

I'm so glad we got... what's-his-face-istan.

My name is Sergei Berdimuhamedov,

and that is my luggage.

The Russian competitors bond with their local hosts.

Oh, hey, cool screen saver.

I'm still sticking with Flying Toasters.

No, no, that's my Internet girlfriend.

Don't worry. She can't see us.

I don't turn the camera on unless I'm wearing my baby mask.

Well, if you love this horse,

why do you hide your face? We may hide our faces,

but that just makes it easier to bare our souls.

And one time when we were drunk,

she showed me one of her boobs, so I showed her one of mine.

Another thing we have in common: nice cans.

And no sooner had the pleasantries been exchanged,

when cultural differences

rose to a level not seen since Rocky IV.

I am Svetlana, and this is my daughter Dasha.

Welcome. Look at these

pathetic Americans.

Hey. They are soft like pierogi dough.

And they are so tiny.

We would feed this to ox and hope

for strong baby next time.

Get the bags, Dasha! Oh. No, no, no.

Hey, listen, we can... help with... (yelps)

Don't help her!

We can help with...

While some athletes dine in,

others are looking forward to experiencing

the American nightlife.

Hey, Frank, does this club at the bowling alley

have a dress code?

And after he pushed me

into the reptile enclosure,

I was never able to trust another man again.

Aw, that is, until now.

Is there somebody else there with you?

An allergic reaction to the Russian cologne,

Chernobyl Breeze, sends Frank into a sneezing fit.

Oh, man. Are you okay?

I can call 911!

Oh, my God.

Horse-head is Shelley?

Hello?

Hello? Are you okay?

So, I've had sex with horse

and I've had sex with woman,

but I've never had sex with hybrid horse-woman.

While the rest of Natesville adapts to their foreign guests,

Barney Hughes learns that Americans

can be just as surprising.

Hey, guys!

You have time for a few pictures with your biggest fan?

Could you close the door, Barney?

We're busy doping. Uh, uh...

Um... Uh, uh, you can't use this footage

if there's nudity, right?

You're just covering this with a graphic, aren't you?

As the sun rises on Natesville,

it sets on a disgraced and disqualified American team,

whose doping antics have left their hopes

as shriveled as their testicles.

Just when it appeared that being from Natesville

was going to suck a little bit more than usual, Barney Hughes

makes a discovery that could change

the course of the Grocery Games.

This is kind of interesting.

"If any competitor cannot partake in the Games,

replacements may be chosen by the manager of the host store."

Emphasis on "kind of."

There are much more interesting books out there.

Remind me to lend you

some Danielle Steel.

Sounds like you should get in touch with the runners-up

from the U.S. championships.

Forget that. You guys should do it.

How often

do you get to represent your nation?

On a world stage?

On a channel that reaches over three percent of American TVs?

Oh, but we wouldn't stand a chance.

Yeah, Barney's right.

All right, the Russian team is made up of professionals.

We just do this for a living.

Guys. Come on.

This is your chance to shine.

Besides, don't you think

it would be nice for Natesville to be known

for something other than that mysterious hum?

Or the kazoo-testing facility?

Actually, I wasn't really listening.

I had a... itch on my neck, and I was trying to scratch it

with the tag on the back of my shirt by nodding like...

Yeah, I wasn't nodding either.

One of my favorite songs just...

came on in my head, and I was just

bopping along to it.

Don't you think we need a reason to hold our heads high?

Besides being the only town

in the United States to surrender to the Japanese

the day after Pearl Harbor?

Sometimes I think

if I concentrate hard enough,

I can make the clock go faster.

And what about the kids?

We could do it for the kids,

the future

of Natesville.

I looked like I was agreeing,

but sometimes when I'm bored, I pretend I'm a Pez dispenser.

We're the town that voted to make our official bird

the middle finger.

Well, winning this would be

like giving a middle finger to the world.

I didn't even hear what she was saying.

It's just when she gets behind something,

she gets so passionate and hot.

That year she got behind Ruben Studdard on Idol,

we had so much sex it was crazy.

Aren't you sick of being laughed at?

Virginia's speech may have been falling on deaf ears,

but someone else's ears were being filled

with sweet nothings.

Oh, I feel so sorry

for this puny American cucumber.

It's so small it could not satisfy

anyone's appetite for anything.

In Russia, cucumbers are much bigger.

I'm not big on vegetables, so...

I hope you're talking about penises.

Of course was.

Da.

So who's in?

I knew it.

I knew you were all just nodding for your own personal reasons.

I'm in.

Just like Rebecca

never gave up on her ex-husband Paul

in Danielle Steel's Matters of the Heart,

I'm not giving up on America.

Never thought I'd say this...

but Frank here's my guy.

Who else is with us?

Well, after Frank volunteered, we kind of had to.

I mean, he is officially the laziest guy in the store.

Barney does superlatives in the annual Howdy's yearbook.

At first I was scared to do this,

but the more I thought about it, I realized

I don't have a fancy, glamorous life.

I work in a grocery store.