Instant Family

- You bought this? - Yeah.

And it's ours now. We own this.

Mm-hmm.

- I love it. - Right?

What'd I tell you? The fireplace, the built-ins here.

Are you sure you want to give this to your sister?

Babe, we'd make 100K off this flip all day long.

- Trying to make up-- - This is it?

Hey, yeah. Come in.

You guys made me ask off an hour early to see this dump'?

- We're all smelling this right now, right? - Yeah, it smells like I'm breathing piss.

Okay. Not a good fit. So we'll just go.

- Come on. - Come on, have a little vision.

French doors to the garden.

We move the stairs, take these walls down,

create an open concept through the kitchen.

There's a gorgeous stained glass here in the corner.

The bones are really good.

When's the part we cough up 12 grand to fix the rotted-out foundation?

Clearly, it's not for them. Let's just flip this one, El.

There's a park across the street.

And the schools here are fantastic if you have a baby.

When. I'm sorry, Kimmy.

When. When you have a baby.

We're having a baby. We are having a baby.

You see that? That's called manifesting to the universe.

Sometimes the universe thinks it's funny if I drop $26,000 on in vitro first.

- Oh. You're a dick. - I'm kidding.

If this place is so great, why don't you guys move in here?

What are they gonna do with five bedrooms and a park?

They're obviously never having kids.

Look at 'em. They don't have any emotional holes to fill.

Not that we are doing it to fill...

- Shut up, Russ. - All right.

- What was that look? - What look?

He just said you guys were never gonna have kids,

and you did a definite look.

Yeah, what was the look for?

You looked back at me to try to include me in your look.

- I didn't do a look. - Totally did a look.

- It wasn't a look. - I think we just started some trouble.

- There's no trouble. - Maybe even a fight.

- There's no fight. There's no trouble. - Let's get out of here. Come on.

Oh, my God. You guys are gonna have kids now, aren't you?

No. What? Kimmy. I don't know. What?

Of course you are because you have to win at everything.

Then you're gonna throw your perfect uterus in my face too.

How do you know my uterus is perfect? We've never even tried to have kids.

- I don't know if I can get pregnant. - Oh. Of course it is perfect. It is yours.

- Kimmy. - It probably has a leather interior.

Please, Kimmy. You just got here.

Sorry, Petey. Have a good fight.

See you later, Russ.

- I didn't do a look. - You're doing a look right now.

There's no look. You're doing a look.

All right, maybe I did do a look.

But just hearing him say it out loud:

We're never having children. I mean, is that true?

I quit bringing it up because every time I did,

you'd say it's not the right time.

I know, but we were always so broke.

And then we were going crazy trying to get the business started.

We've flipped five houses this year, and I'm starting to turn down design work.

I always thought that I'd be a mom someday.

- I think I'm ready. - Great.

Now you're ready, and by the time the kid's 16,

I'm going to be one of those old dads, like Brian Hendricks0n's dad.

- Hey, Dad. - What's up, Son?

Hey, Mr. Hendrickson, go long.

Dad?

You killed my dad!

Hey. Hey, Dad. Wake up, wake up. Wake up!

You did not kill Mr. Hendrickson.

And you're not that old.

Here's an idea. What if we adopt a five-year-old?

It'd be like I got cracking when I was 36. How about that?

Keep your end straight, will you?

Look, you're overthinking it, bro. None of my kids were planned.

Kid shows up, you figure it out. Easy-peasy.

How many kids you got now, Stu?

Number four's in the oven right now, dude.

- Wow. - Nothing hard about kids.

As long as you spend some time with them, they're cool.

Most important thing, make sure the moms all get along.

- - Meatball. Hey. Hey, buddy.

Hey. You miss me?

Oh, that's my boy. You missed me, huh? I missed you too.

Yeah. You're such a good boy.

Hey, El. I got the towel samples you wanted for the kitchen.

EL you okay?

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing. I was just thinking about what you said about adopting a five-year-old.

- I said that? - Yeah.

- I was totally-- I was joking. - I know. It's kind of crazy.

But it just got me thinking. And there's so many kids in foster care.

And they're moving from place to place, and they don't have anybody,

and it's like the saddest thing I've ever seen.

And I found this adoption agency. They're having an orientation next week.

No, don't show me that. I don't want to see those little faces.

You trying to break my heart? I just got home from work.

Ellie, people who take in foster kids are really special.

These are the kind of people who volunteer when it's not even a holiday.

We don't even volunteer on a holiday.

What if there was a disaster?

- What, like a dirty bomb? - Whatever.

And there's a little kid who ends up on our doorstep.

Are we gonna turn her away because we're not special enough?

That would depend. There's a lot of factors that go into it.

I mean, our food rations. The blast radius.

El, you can't take some offhanded remark I made

and turn it into a crazy life decision.

It was a joke.

Yeah.

I know. I just...

You're right. You shouldn't be pushed into something you don't want to do.

It was just a nice thought.

Good night.

All right, I won't make any more jokes like that.

All right?

Hey, you want to watch a little Fixer Upper'?

- Okay, I love you. - I love you.

That's a long fill-up, my friend.

Well, that's because I wanted you to come in here.

We're gonna have a karate kicking contest. Me versus you, straight up.

Oh, God.

It's not fair. That is not...

Hey-

You can't buy these pita chips anymore. They're way too spicy.

I'm getting my nose watery and--

Over a half million children are currently in foster care.

The system is overloaded, okay?

It doesn't need any more kids.

So, for a child to be removed, conditions have to be pretty bleak,

usually involving abuse or extreme neglect.

And some of these kids can often languish in the system,

unless a wonderful family like yours steps up for them.

We'll step up. We'll take one right away.

Oh, perfect. Let me go check in back, see what we have in stock.

She is kidding, of course. We do not stock.

And you know that. Um...

But we can take you through the eight-week foster parenting course,

and you can get your certification.

And then we can pair you with some kids that you can foster

until they become adoptable.

But it is not gonna be easy, folks.

These kids will test your will,

put a strain on your relationship,

and push buttons you didn't even know you had.

Now, I can tell by looking at you that not all y'all are gonna make it.

I actually think this group has got the grit

to face some unpleasant...

Excuse me.

Y-You guys heading out?

- Yeah. - Okay. Well, thank you. Bye-bye.

- All right, that one's on me. - It absolutely is.

- We've gone over this before. - We have.

- This is a problem. - It's a problem. Okay, everybody,

why don't we learn your names

and what type of children you're looking for.

Oh, hi. Um...

We're Dana and Dirk McCann.

And the Lord has guided us here to adopt a baby boy... or a girl.

Yeah, the big guy,

-he's blessed us with so much. - Mm-hmm.

We'd just like to share it with a child that needs a home.

- Yeah. -

What about over here?

I'm David, and this is my wife, Jessie.

And we've been trying to have a baby for three years now.

But no matter what we do, I--

I can't...

- I'm sorry. Can someone else go? - It's okay.

It's okay. Well, I'm Kit, and this is Michael.

We've also been trying to conceive now,

pretty much since the first night we met, right?

That is correct. We're just not having any luck.

Anyway, we're looking for a child of any gender or ethnicity up to nine years old.

Hello. My name is October Ross Jennings.

And I would like to be the single mother of an athletically gifted teen boy

who I can help to reach his full Division One scholarship potential.

Preferably African-American.

Mm-hmm.

Right! Like The Blind Side. Like the movie, right? That's great.

Honey, she's not joking.

A-Are you jo-- You're not joking? My God. I'm so sorry.

I just thought 'cause of the gay guys' conceiving joke, that we were...

I mean, that is the plot of The Blind Side, so...

I've never seen it, so, please, it's your turn.

- Just do not talk to me anymore. - Yeah, she's nuts.

I'm so sorry. I feel terrible. I, uh--

So, my name's Ellie. Hi. This is my husband, Pete.

Uh, yeah, I mean, I'm not too sure about any of this.

I mean, I get it.

We adopted our dog Meatball, and we love him like crazy, but--

- Don't compare kids to dogs. - I'm not.

I'm just saying there used to be a stigma about getting a dog from the pound,

but now they're called rescue dogs and everybody wants one.

Don't say "pound," don't say "dog." Just don't.