Friday Night Dinner

This programme contains adult humour.

Hooray, my hero!

Mwah, mwah, mwah. Hey, Mum.

Congratulations, bambino.

What do you think? Hmm... Oh, bobble, I'm so proud.

Has your favourite son ever let you down? Is that it?

Yep.

Go on, show me, show me.

It's not the best-looking award, but...

Christ! Martin!

Oh, it's beautiful. Really?

What is it? It's meant to be an ear on legs.

An ear on legs? You know, music award, an ear.

I thought it was some kind of tumour. Thanks

You won that for shaving foam?

Writing the music for an advert for shaving foam, yes.

Your first award! Shaving foam for ears?

What? Martin, go and get the champagne.

The proper stuff or the cheap stuff? Thank you!

The proper stuff. It's 90p a gulp! Go away.

90-bloody-p! I want to show you something. Oh!

Hello, dolly. Hi, Grandma. Are you all right now, Mum? Yeah.

Mazel tov on your shaving foam award!

Thanks.

Oh, dear. I think I need the loo again.

Tummy. Right.

Oh, an ovary!

Ta-da! What do you think? It looks amazing, Mum.

I've made your favourite meal in the whole wide world.

Beef? Yeah, and profiteroles.

Yes! Not on the same plate, though?

No, all mushed up in a bucket!

Now, where's that bowl? Oh, I'm so proud of you, bobble.

What are you... Dad made that, did he?

How did you guess? And the rabbits?

Yeah, I wondered about them.

Martin, what are the... It's actually 93p a gulp.

Maths. What are all the rabbits?

Cos he used to keep rabbits. No, I didn't.

No, he didn't. No, I used to keep rabbits.

So easy to confuse yourself with your own son.

I don't remember them much,

but one of them went under a lorry and my mother cooked it with potatoes.

Flopsy.

Oh, Jonny-boo's back from America. Oh, oh!

It tasted of road.

Hi, Mum. These are for you.

Oh, they're gorgeous! Come in.

All right, Pissface? Bambino. Come in then.

Um...I'd like you to meet someone.

Oh, hello.

Hi there. I'm Lisa. Yeah, this is Lisa.

Hi, Lisa. Hi.

We met in Vegas and...

Well...

I'm not a stripper.

Who is she? Not a stripper.

Um...do come in.

I hope you don't mind me crashing your whole...get-together thing.

I'm sorry? Is it OK if Lisa eats with us tonight?

What? Oh, of course. There's more than enough to go round.

Thanks. Cool house.

So, are you Jonny's female?

His...? Female. Wait. How did you know?

How do we know what? That's for Adam.

That we got married.

What?

Married? Um... They're married? Married?

Did you just say you got married? Someone get married? Hi, Grandma.

Shall we go through? You got married and you didn't tell your mother?

We were going to tell you later. Later?

Yeah, well, you know, it was Vegas and...

Mum!

Kind of like you said, only this bit took way longer.

Will you let us in, please? Mum!

What do you mean, you got married? I'm Adam, your new brother-in-law.

Hi. Well, do you understand the word "married"?

I thought you were on a stag weekend. I was, then this happened.

"This." Oh, what a romantic

Oi! What the hell are you doing, getting married without telling your mother?

She's not my mother. Sorry, I don't know why I was looking at you.

What the hell are you doing, getting married without telling your mother?

I don't have to tell Mum everything. You do. He does. Thanks.

Now I'm in trouble! For what?

Apparently, I should know everything my son gets up to.

Why don't you tell me everything you get up to?

Maybe I should go sit in the car. Good idea. OK.

I won't be long, babe.

I must say, married life looks fun!

Thanks a lot, Jonathan! Oh, this is ridiculous.

Come on, Jackie. How could you do this to me? Do what?

He's so thoughtless. Shut up! Never thinks of his mother.

Seriously! It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

You don't say? I met her the night before.

The night before?! You'd known her for one night? Sex.

Thank you, Martin. Plus the morning. Sex.

Seriously! We got to know each other pretty well. Sex!

Martin, please stop saying "sex"!

Hello, everyone. Mum, we had a tiny ceremony. It was just us.

It was quite funny. There was this guy dressed just like Elvis.

You got married by an Elvis?

Do it again!

Do you think we should maybe, like, go to the pub or something?

Don't worry. She'll let us in soon. In about a week.

I've never been to a real British pub. Then you'd love ours.

It's really real. Free stabbing with every pint.

Fantastic.

Jonny, do you shave your ears?

What? We were meant to be celebrating my award.

Oh, shit! What's she doing here?

Huh? Auntie Val. Oh, bloody Val!

Am I in my bed? Who's Val? Hide!

Just a very reasonable lady.

Out!

Oh! Go on, Jonathan.

Agh! You're hurting me. Get off!

How could you do such a thing to your mother? I didn't do anything to her.

Your husband's very brave. Ow!

You're going to apologise to her right now. No, I am not.

Well?

Sorry I got married without telling you, Mum.

Thank you, Val. Jackie.

Where are you going?

Mum!

Good evening again, Lisa.

Why don't you come in?

And here's the place we tied the knot.

Lovely.

There's Jonny. There's me.

Why are you wearing a cowboy hat?

Cos it's Vegas. Prat.

Prat. Hey, careful now. I was a cowgirl.

Oh, yes, a cowgirl bride.

Lovely. Really lovely.

Um...cheers, everyone.

Cheers!

That's £4.65.

Sorry? Nothing.

So, my dear, which part of France are you from? France?

France? Grandma... Mum, she's American.

Is she? She sounds French.

Merci, madame. You know, dolly, I've never been to America.

But I've been with an American.

Mum! Oh, God!

And where are you from in the US of A?

US of A... She's from Los Angeles. San Francisco.

Really? Yeah. Jonathan Goodman, you don't know where your own wife's from?

Excuse me, I just need to check on the dinner.

I just need to check on the bottle. More champagne? Always. Nut?

Oh! Oh!

Well, what do you think of my wife now?

All my friends with their lovely daughters. What?

All those lovely girls and you marry the first one you meet in a casino!

I see. I didn't meet her in a casino.

Yeah? Where did you meet her? All right, I did meet her in a casino.

What's wrong with Carol's daughter? Or Sue's daughter?

The tiny one with the terrifying face? Jonathan!

Having fun? Mum wanted me to marry Sue's daughter. Pocket Dracula?

You're horrible! It's OK, Mum. I get it. You don't like my wife.

How can I not like your wife? I don't even know her. Do you even know her?

Yes, thank you. I know my wife very well.

Sex. Adam! Do you know one thing about your wife?

Apart from her being French. Shut up! Course I do.

Go on. What? Tell us one thing about your wife. Yeah.

We're waiting. I'm thinking.

She likes apples. Apples? Yeah, she likes apples.

That's what you know? She likes apples? That's HER birthday sorted.

Lovely girl, Jon-Jon. Thank you, Grandma.

At least someone's happy for me.

Mum, you're meant to be angry with your grandson. Am I? Yes.

I'm very angry with you!

Me? Not him. Jonny. What?

Oh, who's that? Coming!

Apple?

Ugh! Stop it!

Hello, Jackie. Something smells nice. Oh, hi, Jim.

Sorry, it's really not a good...

Just popped round to give you a letter which was addressed to you,

but delivered to me by mistake.

Oh, OK, thanks. Electricity bill.

Right.

Are you going to give it to me? Yes, of course, Jackie.

For safety.

Here, there...