The Critic

Hello?

Hello, Jay. This is your doctor.

We've been going over your x-rays

and it seems you're made entirely of cheese.

It stinks!

Hello, tonight we'll see Jack Nicholson follow-up his film wolf

with a not-so-thrilling tale of transformation,

chicken.

I'm warning you,

a full moon does strange things to me.

Cock-a-doodle-do, baby. Don't be scared.

Scared of what?

You're a big chicken.

Just for that, I'm going to peck up your wall.

Cluck, cluck.

We'll also be looking at Sylvester Stallone in rocky 6,

Texas chainsaw massacre 4.

The audience seemed to enjoy this film,

despite some nut in the back of the theater

yelling, "cut off Stallone's head!

Cut off Stallone's head!"

All right, it was me.

Feh!

Jay, I hate to interrupt your show.

Run that footage of me with the pope again!

Hey, John Paul, where's George Ringo?

I'd appreciate your endorsing

one of their fine products on the air.

Savvy Indian chewing tobacco?

It used to be savage Indian.

Marketing figured that might offend people.

Duke, I can't sell tobacco.

Many of my viewers are children.

I have a tremendous influence on them.

Here's a fun fact.

Burt Reynolds is balder than me.

Look, it's baloney man.

I'm afraid you're going to have to find someone else to do those ads.

Maybe I'll find somebody else to review movies.

Anybody could.

Like him, or her, or him.

Or me?

No, not you.

Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.

You know, I could replace you with a trained seal.

Oh, come on.

Follow me.

You could have been senator corleone, governor corleone,

the ayatollah corleone, nat king corleone.

We call him our seal of approval.

Uh, is this intended to scare me?

Because it's not.

Last action hero.

Look, you can't make me advertise anything.

I have a contract.

Tonight, like tom Hanks in Philadelphia,

Jerry Lewis tries a dramatic role in schenectady.

Now, could you tell me about the day

you were fired from weintraub, Myers and mellman?

Wine glass, mellman and schmellman?

No. Weintraub, Myers and mellman.

Wino, shmegegi and hasenpfeffer?

No further questions.

Nice lady.

Here's my 2-word review. Bad movie.

What the...

Heap big taste. It will womp 'em.

I refuse to put up with this.

You find somebody else to do your commercials.

Are you forgetting about your contract, son?

Here's what I think of that.

I quit.

So I stood up for my principles

and that's the most important thing of all.

It also means I won't have as much money as I used to.

That's ok, dad. Money is not important.

Not important? This is New York.

I'll starve here without money.

Oh, please, I got to have this job, Mr...

Pizzaface?

That's pizzaface!

And we only hire senior citizens.

It's part of our enslave the elderly program.

Well, the grease has reached its boiling point.

Thousands of French fries are entering the skirmish.

Quit goofing around, and put on your hair net.

And that's the way it is.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Why don't you take a vacation?

You deserve it.

Hmm.

Day 5 of my European vacation.

Where to next? Milano? Brussels?

Ooh, how about beautiful naples?

Mmm, ah, naples,

why visit when you can

bite the cookie that bears thy name?

Tonight at 10:00, the best of Chevy chase.

Then at 10:05 the news.

And now back to coming attractions,

with your new host, Rex Reed.

What?

Joan plowright, and how right.

On the shermometer... i mean, the rexal thermometer,

she rates a 10.

And now a word from our sponsor,

savvy Indian chewing tobacco.

It's not just for Indians.

oh.

Hi, big brother, how's the job search going?

Some scientists paid me $50 to test a new p.M.S. Drug.

As if that's any of your business, miss buttinski.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I say such hurtful things.

Ooh, chocolate.

Oh, that's going straight to my thighs.

Look, don't panic. Remember how insecure you were

when you graduated from college?

Dad, you've always been sort of like a father to me.

What do you think I should do with my life?

Oh, that's a good question, son.

Now, here's one for you.

They're called fingers, and yet they don't fing.

Noodle that one for a while.

Jay, I just want to say one word:

Trucking.

And I have one word for you, too, son:

Snapple.

Oh, dad, you and your nonsense words.

That's it. Trucking.

You know I've always envied truck drivers.

No responsibilities, the open road.

Maybe I'll write about it, maybe I won't.

I'll be much happier.

Now, Jay, don't make any rash career moves.

Remember when you dropped out of school

to become a lumberjack?

Timber!

Well, the lumberjacks liked me.

We ate like kings that night.

Maybe deep down I just want to be loved.

And everyone loves truckers.

Moron!

so you want to be a trucker, huh?

You ever drive a 16-Wheeler?

Well, I once pushed 4 shopping carts full of dove bars.

Are you prone to having blackouts?

No.

Are you prone to having blackouts?

No.

Are you prone to having blackouts?

No!

Oh, better than the rest of us,

Mr. I-know-where-I-am- at-all-times.

Sorry.

Are you prone to having blackouts?

Yes.

Excellent. Previous salary?

$271,000 a year.

I'm sorry,

you just don't have what it takes to be a trucker.

Please, this is very important to me.

All right, but there's a little matter of a vision test.

You see that chart over there?

Yes.

Congratulations. You passed.

At last, I'm a trucker.

Corporate America, I will not be your shill.

Right.

Well, there's your rig.

Oh.

Well, no more sitting around all day staring at a screen.

I'm going to see the world.

Oh.

Oh, my son, the trucker.

I was president of a truckers' union for a while.

That reminds me.

There's a lot of money in some dead bodies buried in the backyard.

Look, I think this is the beginning of a new life for me.

Eleanor, if Jay wants to become a trucker,

he has my blessing.

It's one of the most sensible ideas I've heard in a while.