Footballers' Wives

I placed a bet. For 200 grand?!

Jesus, Kyle! What is it with you two?

Char never interfered in my finances.

Who keeps you both in knickers, eh? How dare you?!

This is bullshit.

Don't you recognise your own wife? She's duped you and me

out of a million quid, Conrad.

You need help...

SOBS Conrad, please...

I was angry.

If you ever, ever lay a finger on your mother again,

I'll break both your legs and shove them up your backside.

COUGHS

I understand that you do eliminations.

Ah...

A curse.

I need an ambulance.

It's my husband.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Tanya Las...

Tanya Turner.

SIGHS

I don't know why you bother, Amber. I know it's you.

I'm going to get my calls monitored,

so next time, you better have something to say... to the police!

Nutter.

Bitch!

You're really starting to get on my tits, Amber.

Excuse me, but I happen to have a lunch date.

In the same restaurant as me? GASPS

Are you eating here, too?

Careful, Tanya. I'm beginning to think you're following me around.

Lunch date, my arse. She's off her rocker.

Oh, ignore her. She'll get bored.

The truth is, she's doing me a favour.

You should have seen the piece of meat I had round

to discuss my security.

There are plus sides to having a stalker.

I thought you only had eyes for Conrad.

Yeah, well, that's got to be handled carefully.

At least I'll have something pretty to look at...

now I'm out of purdah.

I mourned my budgie longer than that!

And he didn't leave me a penny.

Oh, I earned mine, H.

Frank got what he wanted and I can assure you

he died with a smile on his face. Er...

Remind me not to tell you when I get a dodgy ticker.

Oh, I did everything I could to revive him.

He was just too ill.

Poor darling. I don't know how you'll ever get over it (!)

Amber.

Teddy, darling.

Mwah, mwah.

Thanks for coming at such short notice.

It would be more convenient if you'd come to the office.

You're the one that's always telling me, "You've got to be seen."

Don't be so mad at me, you.

I'm really, really happy you could make it.

And we've got so much to talk about.

Yes. Look, I was going to call you anyway.

Are you psychic?

The new Guy Ritchie movie?

Well...

you know how, um...

Madonna and I have the same Pilates instructor?

Actually, we're pretty good friends.

I could ask her, but I don't know if I want to put her in a position.

Amber, love... No, no. Listen to me, Teddy.

What I'm saying is, why don't we go through the proper channels?

I mean, it can't hurt.

Ask her along for drinks, she could bring hubby,

YOU could bring a few names, I'll work on Conrad.

He's mad at me at the moment, but... Amber, look.

It's not been going well for a while, has it, honey?

No. No, I know.

But I've... had personal difficulties.

But, Teddy, I am bursting with new ideas for the product line.

Listen to this. After we've cracked Japan, how about we go with perfume?

We bombed in Japan, sweetie.

The Yanks are dropping you, so we have to downsize anyway.

As far as films go, let's concentrate on what's realistic.

No-one in Bollywood is touching you right now,

so maybe it's time to look at telly, OK?

Well, where is she? She's got the flu.

She had the flu last week. What the hell am I paying her for?

She sent a replacement, Rog. People get ill.

There's no point her giving it to us.

All right, you can stop showing off now.

I can see you're improving.

What I need to know from Elaine is, can I count on you this season?

If she's lost interest, maybe I should, too.

She's sick. So I heard.

Been knocking her about an' all? Roger!

Of course not. Of course not.

Because that won't be happening again, will it? No.

Have you seen that shrink I set you up with?

Yeah. Yeah, he's, er...

He's really helpful.

Don't lie to me, because it just takes me one call to check you out.

Honest, boss. I'm doing really well. It's a new leaf.

Good. You won't mind me checking your laptop, then.

He hasn't been gambling. I can vouch for him.

These will vouch for him - when I see his laptop.

It's fine, Mum. I've got nothing to hide.

I'm clean.

Hey, Kyle.

You know, I'm only looking out for you, don't you?

You used to be a good kid, and that's what I need on the team,

not some... screw-up.

Cup of tea'd be nice, Jack.

We want to take you in another direction for the moment.

Michelle has her finger in all the soap pies...

Soap?!

Do I look like I'd be sucking down a pint at The Rovers Return?

And who the hell is Michelle? YOU'RE my agent.

If you want to work, you'll consider what I'm saying.

Michelle's the right girl for you, OK?

She can give you the time that I can't right now.

I'm sorry, kitten.

Of course, you're free to go with another agency if you choose.

It's up to you. But if you want to stay with us,

you have to trust us to know when we're wasting each other's time.

I have to dash I'm afraid. No time for lunch.

Bye.

What?!

Shit!

Can I get you anything else? Do you want anything else?

Thank you.

Yeah, well, you can say what you like,

we were close in the end, me and Frank.

At least you've got his shares in the club to...

take the edge off your grief. Yeah.

And don't you forget it.

The team better pay off if I'm going to live the way he wanted me to.

You know me, Tan...

I got the Midas touch.

Here's to old Frankie.

May he rest.

And here's to Tanya Turner... back in town.

I thought the lads was winding me up.

It's a bit rough, mate.

She'll get her settlement. No. Rough for you, I mean.

Yeah, well... Better off without them, eh?

Sorry, mate.

Obviously, I didn't mean Chardonnay.

Don't be silly.

Whether we like it or not,

here's to being single.

Yeah, cheers.

Listen, I'm going to shoot off. All right?

Yeah. See you.

So, you and Amber...

it's over for good, like?

I'll give you her number if you're interested.

Might piss your girlfriend off, though.

I...

I haven't got a girlfriend.

I made it up.

I wanted to see what you... If you'd care.

If I'd care?

You were trying to make me jealous?

I love you.

You've got to be joking.

I could have fun with you, yeah, but I'm not in love with you.

And I'm into women in a big way.

Cool. I'm sorry.

No. I'm flattered.

But you've got to forget that one.

No hard feelings, yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what I'm doing. I... I can't help it.

I'm just the way I am.

It's nothing more than that to me and I don't want to hurt you.

So you tell me yes or no.

No bullshit.

Thanks for lunch, darling. Look after my investment.

See you at the game.

Oh, Jesus! Step out of the vehicle, please.

LAUGHS This is a wind-up, right?

I have reason to believe that you've been drinking.

Come on. Just get your kit off and get it over with.

I'm in a hurry. I said, step out of the car.

Are you under the influence of alcohol?

I had a glass of wine, but that was with lunch.

Still, maybe you're right.

I'll do a bit of shopping before I go, make super sure.

Could you blow into this tube with one continuous breath?

Keep blowing until I ask you to stop.

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, for God's sake! Just the one glass, was it?

The machine shows you've provided a positive sample.

Shit, no, I did have a bloody Mary, but that was hours ago.

I have to ask you to come to the station for further tests.

Oh, come on. I didn't actually drive the sodding thing.

You do know who I am, don't you? I don't care if you're my mum.

I mean, I'm recently bereaved.

My husband just died.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of being in charge of a motor vehicle

whilst over the prescribed limit. But I'm grieving, aren't I?