Miranda

Good evening! Biscuit?

Sorry, they're mine!

Previously in my life,

my mother makes me get a proper job...

So we're assigning Miranda to the Royal Navy.

What?!

The first trip is seven months.

Couldn't it be longer?

Miranda, are you sure you want to be in the Navy?

# In the Navy!

# You can sail the seven seas In the Navy! #

I bet you get that a lot.

No.

Alarming propensity to sing in interviews.

Luckily, for that one, I failed the exercise test.

They asked me to run, I said, "No!"

Well, I think running is wrong unless professionally or as a child.

I think, as an adult, you should only run if you're near a train station and look at your watch first.

Yeah, I mean galloping is more fun, isn't it?

That's something I'd like to see more of, make commuting fun.

Yeah, I never really had an obvious career path.

That was clear from the careers officer at uni.

What do you think are your main strengths?

Oh, probably dressing pets as famous detectives.

No, even you would have been impressed by Poirot Pussy.

Go away, please. Let's not dwell, on with the show!

Morning. Morning!

Oh, brilliant, new pirate stock! Ha-ha!

Please don't. Oh, Stevie, you know you love it.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrr!

What is wrong, my very small friend?

Bank statements. You know, can you stop using the business account for personal purchases, please?

Look, you're still paying £60 a month gym membership? You never go!

I don't need to, I am in fine shape.

A lunge and stretch...

Oh, yes, I am a woman in her prime.

Don't you think, madam? Out of interest how old would you have me?

They always come under, Stevie.

43.

I know what's happened. You're dyslexic.

Because I'm 34, you've reversed the numbers in your head.

That's what's happened here.

No, I thought you were 43.

Right, get out, please!

But I need to buy... Bye-bye is what you need to do. Bye-bye!

Maybe I should go to the gym. 20...

You're loving the expenses issue, aren't you?

Well, you know, it's a task, and I am the...

Task master.

Oh, sorry, what's that you're asking me, Miss Heather Small?

Oh, is she there? Yes.

# What have you done today To make you feel proud?

Well, Heather, I've done an excellent expenditure...

Oh, no, that's the wrong side, this is the employee of the month board with me in all of them.

Oh, look at my little face! I've been doing an excellent expenditure chart. Oh, yeah, that is good.

Talk me through it.

Really? No!

Can you just try and cut back, yes?

Take things a little bit more seriously.

Of course, captain. Ah-ha-ha-ha-harrrr!

Stay back or I'll throw you to the sex-starved men below!

Oh, sorry, Mum.

Listen, Tilly, outside, promotion, her mother gloating.

You, fake job, big success.

Sorry, I think you dropped some verbs on the way in.

Verbs...

On the way in, she just got a...I said you got a...

to pretend you're the...your father and me wish you were.

I told Tilly you'd got a new job.

But I've got a job! A proper job, I said you work in television.

What? Mum, are you ashamed of me?

Oh, darling, of course I am, ridiculous question.

Well, Penny, I think you're being a little bit harsh there.

Under careful management, this shop could become a successful chain.

You know, when people want...a pair of comedy breasts, they'll think of your daughter.

They already do.

Look, who cares if Tilly's got a promotion?

She's the idiot with everything "fabbifun" and "marvellisimus".

Oh! Gosh, she's coming.

She's got such an annoying, what I call, walk. It is a walk, isn't it?

It's not what you call a walk, that's such an annoying expression.

We've got to convince her.

Oh, hello, Tilly, what a total and utter surprise.

We were just talking about Miranda's new job in television.

Yeah! Mummy told me!

Congratulasareeny, Queen Kong!

Mwah! Mwah!

It sounds spectaculant.

Yes, yes, it's fabbifun.

And what a surprise, flabbergastamoomoo!

No offence, I just didn't have you down as a career bitch.

More someone who mucked around in a shop.

Well, actually, as a local business bitch,

she's been doing some research for a documentary about the retail industry.

Yeah. Would anyone in their right mind enjoy making a living from selling...penis pasta?

Yes, I mean, who would enjoy that on their own of an evening?

Wowzers... A documentary, who for?

Yes.

What?

Who 4. It's a new channel.

E4, More4, Who4.

And which company are you working for?

It's a small production company down here. Down here? What's it called?

What's it called? What?

What's It Called, that's what it's called.

What's It Called, which is funny because when people ring up,

we say, "Hello, What's It Called,"

and they say, "Don't you know? It's your company."

And then they say, "Who are you making programmes for?"

and we say "Who4," and they say "Yes, that's what I'm asking you."

And we all laugh so very much.

Listen, listen, the reason I've come is I'm having a - whisper it -

miniscule celebratione of my promotion tomorrow night, you come?

Penny come! Sounds divine.

And Kongeroo, defo come.

Great. You come. Yeah. Come. Go. Come! Go. Come.

Come, come, come, come, come, come, come!

Go, go, go...

Oh! Well done, darling.

Mum! I can't believe Tilly said I couldn't get a proper career.

I could be a Tilly!

Do you know? Actually, I think it might be time for me to move on.

Yeah, I've always said once I got the shop up and running and an excellent manager in...

Good morning. Good morning to you. Then I could consider something else.

Oh, at last! Go, Miranda!

Now first, like all good career bitches, I am off to the gym.

Yes, the gym. Oh, yes.

Look at me go.

Excuse me, I don't think these doors are working.

If it's a press the knob and release, it is not functioning.

I'm really banging the knob now.

Don't!

BUZZER

Are you OK?

I'm fine, my workout starts the minute I enter the building.

I am permanently pumping.

Do you want a hand?

No, I've got it.

There she goes!

OK!

That way?

Oh, yeah.

Help! Stop, please!

Someone make it stop!

Help!

Thanks for that. Just the ones I'm used to are a bit less...

Yeah...

Aaaah!

I mean, what do they do?

I mean, does anyone really know what they do?

Keep going, you'll be halfway across the Channel.

Right, do you know, I'm just going to get the ferry.

Whee!

That's what they're used for.

Hi, guys.

Blimey. Are you all right?

Oh, my flat needs redecorating, and that's just the shade of red I was looking for.

What do you call that? Heart-attack maroon?

Cholesterol magenta?

Full-fat fuchsia?

No, Clive, I'm not going to high-five you, go away.

This is just a healthy post-workout glow, yes, workout,

so now I shall have a carrot and orange smoothie and a low-fat bagel.

And what I mean by that is a hot chocolate and an enormous slice of cake.

I am going to look for another job.

Why?

Because Tilly and Mum say I couldn't. I could get a proper job, right?

Guys? At least my school was more supportive.

Miranda, don't run in the corridor! It's a gallop, Miss.

I think all businessmen should do it, and one day I hope to tell the nation via a TV show.

Oh, Miranda, with that naive optimism, you gallop, girl!

Well, I'd help with the job search thing, but I've got loads of kitchen prep to do.

I've got a reunion tomorrow, with my RAF pals.

You were in the RAF?

With the uniform?

Just the cadets for a bit when I left school.

Oh, Maverick, you stud, take me to bed and lose me forever.

# Take my breath away-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay... #

Pilot your jet into my flight path.

Said it all out loud!

Oh, there you are. Now saddle up, I've got you an interview tomorrow morning.

Manager of a sales team in a, what I call, department store.

It is a department store.

Oh, Evergreeens, they're big!

No, I could do that, couldn't I?

Guys? Do you want me to come with you?

Not a good idea.

Please take her! No.

She's got excellent sea legs.

Show him your sea legs. No.

I really don't need to see her legs.

Come on, show them. Put your sea legs on the Captain's table!

Speak later, dashing off to Cakersize with Belinda.

Cakersize? Cake decorations and aerobics, you have to leave exactly the same weight as you came in.

Such fun!

Do you know, this really could be my thing, couldn't it? Retail experience, people skills.

Oh! Blimey, how can you get so stiff so soon?

I take it you won't be going back to the gym?

Oh, no, I'm going back, I am...very much going back.