Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Let's see, sperm meets egg here.

30 days has September,

all the rest have 31,

except for Judith, who has 28.

Hey, Alan.

Meet Don.

Hello, Don.

Hello, Alan.

Don drove me home

and I don't have any money.

Okay, uh, is Don a cabbie?

No, no.

Don is a close, personal friend.

Don is a cabbie.

He has enough friends, and he wants his $80.

What happened to your money?

Good question.

You know how easy Texas Hold 'Em looks on TV

when you can see the other guys' hole cards?

Yeah.

Very different in real life.

Uh, 20, 40, 60,

80.

No tip?

Hold on.

Let's see, five dollars...

Keep your money, Mr. Trump.

You need it more than I do.

Are we still on for lunch?

I think you offended Don.

He'll get over it.

Where's your car?

Don't change the subject.

: You owe Don an apology.

Oh, hey, a calendar.

Yeah.

What's "JMC" stand for?

Nothing.

Oh, come on.

John Mellencamp Cougar?

No.

Jumping Methodist...

: cougar?

No.

Then I give up.

Well, if you must know,

it stands for "Judith's menstrual cycle."

Get out.

No, look.

This is when Judith and Herb broke up.

And this is the day that I had sex with her.

Dude...

you need a better hobby.

Judith is now five months pregnant.

Oh, yeah, right.

She's probably in that sweet spot

where her boobs are big and cushy

but her ass is still normal.

Charlie, it is almost certain

that I am the father of Judith's baby.

Are you still grinding on this?

What if it's a girl?

I always wanted a daughter.

I finally get one and some other guy gets to be her dad.

I feel like the universe

is playing some horrible practical joke on me.

Wow.

I lost $8,000 playing poker.

I have no idea where my car is,

threw up in my mouth three times,

and I'm still having a better night than you are.

I don't expect you to understand.

You don't know the joy of being a parent.

Of watching a part of you grow and develop,

blooming into a fully formed human being.

Four times.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Hi. Hi.

Jake, your father's here.

So, how you doing?

Good.

Over the morning sickness?

Yes, Alan.

Uh, by my calculations

probably about a week, ten days ago?

That sounds right.

Good, good.

You have a nice break till the, uh, till

the old hemorrhoids come a-callin'.

Jake!

Judith, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?

What elephant?

Come on, you, me, the baby?

I mean, we did have unprotected sex...

You shut your mouth. We did not.

Yes, we did. Read my lips.

We did not have sex.

Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it?

Oh, uh, fine, Herb.

Uh, how you doing?

Proud as a peacock.

Honey, did you show him the sonogram?

No.

Oh, you should see her, Alan.

Her? So, it is a girl?

Yep, one fresh-faced little fetus

sans wee-wee.

I always wanted a sans wee-wee.

Well, you can't have mine.

: No, no, of course not.

Hey, wanna see how we're decorating the nursery?

He doesn't wanna see the nursery, Herb.

Sure I would. You going with mermaids?

Little girls love mermaids.

Actually, I was thinking little ponies.

Little ponies? Yeah, why?

Oh, gosh...

Little ponies have little penises.

Really? I didn't notice that on the stencils.

Let's go take a look.

I'm ready.

Oh, uh, I'll be right back.

I'm just going to go see the baby's room.

He never wants to see my room.

That's because your room is a pig sty.

I didn't ask for a reason.

* Men.

Alan, buddy,

I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking.

I don't have a problem.

Well, I do.

You're swillin' my good stuff.

Here.

Have some Old Wal-Mart.

Thank you.

What's this?

Ugh, a diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy.

Jennifer, Jocelyn,

Jasmine, Jolene?

Some of the names that we picked out

in case Jake had been a girl.

Oh, man, can you imagine him as a chick?

Woof!

Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.

Think about it though.

Every weekend, me, you

and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut.

I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.

Okay, okay, first of all,

you don't know it's your kid.

All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up

you nailed Judith.

Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.

So, the only thing we know for sure

is that despite all outward appearances,

Judith is a slut.

Hey, I'm aware that technically

either one of us could be the father,

but I know in my gut

that this is my sweet bastard child.

You don't know squat.

And you wanna talk technically?

Technically,

maybe neither one of you is the father.

Oh, dear God, Charlie.

What have you done?

Not me, you fool.

Although if I had known she was that easy, may...

Stop!

All I'm saying is there could very well be

some guy in her driveway with a leaf blower

pining away for "baby Juanita."

That's just ridiculous.

Judith won't even eat Mexican food.

Look, even if you're right,

doing anything about it,

it's just gonna destroy a marriage.

I know, I know.

It's just... it's so hard to ignore my paternal instincts.

Sure, I see those instincts with Jake

and I admire them.

If I was his dad,

I would've dropped him off at an orphanage

with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts.

No, you wouldn't.

He was adorable when he was a baby.

Baby?

I'm talking about last week.

I walked into his room.

He was trying to bite his toenails.

Let's be honest.

That's monkey behavior.

My son is not a monkey.

My point here is, forget the baby.

You've already got a kid to raise.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey.