Man on the Flying Trapeze

Ambrose.

Leona: Ambrose! Yes, my dear?

What are you doing in the bathroom?

Um...

Brushing my teeth, dear.

I don't know what's come over you lately.

You're always in that bathroom brushing your teeth.

Yes, dear.

Are you sure you're brushing your teeth?

Yes, dear.

You want anything, dear?

Please come to bed and put the light out.

Yes, dear.

Hurry up and come to bed.

Yes, I'm hurrying, dear.

What are you doing now?

I'm taking my socks off, dear.

You're certainly making a lot of noise taking your socks off.

Yes, dear.

Please come to bed and put the light out.

Oh, yes, dear.

Legs.

Willie the weasel. What are you doing here?

Steve sent me over here to lift some silverware.

He's off his nut. He sent me over on the same job.

Everything's mixed up since they sent maxie to stir.

What's that in the pan? Molasses?

Taste it. It's applejack.

Jersey lightning.

What does this applejack remind you of?

It reminds me of the old oreland social club.

Remember how Saturday nights, we used to get plastered on applejack,

and what we used to sing?

On the banks of the wabash, far away.

Do you remember the tune?

Oh, the moonlight's fair.

That's it.

Tonight upon the wabash

Ambrose.

Ambrose!

Did you leave the radio on?

Did you leave the radio on?

Ambrose. Ambrose.

Wake up. Wake up, ambrose.

Ambrose, there are burglars singing in the cellar.

What?

Ambrose, there are burglars singing in the cellar.

What are they singing?

What difference does it make what they're singing?

Get up and see what it's all about.

Yeah, that's right.

Don't sit there like a bump on a stump, go down and throw them out.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, ambrose. Hurry.

What are they singing down there for?

Oh, it doesn't matter what they're singing. Go down quickly, ambrose.

We're in danger I tell you. We're in terrific danger, ambrose.

The more haste, the less speed. I'll be down there.

Oh, ambrose, my poor mother. My poor, helpless, old mother.

My darling...

She's upstairs. They won't find her.

Oh, ambrose, don't fumble. Don't fumble, ambrose.

Hurry, ambrose, hurry.

I'm coming, dear.

Get these socks on, ambrose.

What does it matter whether you've got socks on or not, ambrose?

I'll catch cold down there.

Ambrose, hurry, hurry.

They're great murderers, brutes, ambrose. They've got guns.

Now what are you looking for, ambrose?

I don't know, they may not have guns.

Oh, ambrose!

Maybe they mistook our cellar window for a stage door.

Hurry, ambrose, hurry.

It's getting louder and louder and louder.

I can't find my socks.

You're getting me so nervous I've lost my socks.

Oh, ambrose, hurry. What are you looking for now?

Why couldn't they wait until later on in the morning?

Oh, hurry, ambrose. Hurry, hurry.

It's getting louder, ambrose. It's getting louder.

Hurry, ambrose.

Oh, don't SWAT flies.

Hurry, ambrose. Hurry.

Oh, such an earthly hour...

An unearthly hour. Where are they?

In the cellar, ambrose, in the cellar.

I heard them there. Listen, listen, listen.

Oh, what rotten voices.

Murderers. Brutes, ambrose.

Yeah.

Get them, ambrose. Get them.

Oh, gosh.

Couldn't I just sleep about another hour, then I'll go down there?

Oh, ambrose, hurry. Hurry, ambrose.

Okay.

Oh, this is awful.

Look at that. There's the gloves that you lost two weeks ago.

Ambrose, get the gun!

Say, what are these things doing in here, all these walnuts?

What's the difference what they're doing? Get the gun, ambrose! Get the gun!

Look, there's nothing... there's no... Yes, here it is. Here it is. I've got it.

Here, I got it.

Be careful.

Oh, there's nothing to be frightened of.

Be careful. It's unloaded, there's nothing in it.

Careful. It's okay.

There isn't a bullet in it.

Did I kill you?

Oh, leave me in peace! Leave me in peace!

Oh, good, good, I didn't kill you! That's fine.

What was that?

Sounded like someone shot off a pistol.

That's what it sounded like to me.

My baby! Did they kill you?

Oh, no, I'm all right, but quiet. There are burglars singing in the cellar.

Burglars singing in the cellar?

Yes, there are burglars singing down in the cellar.

Give me that gun.

Let go, let go, let go, will you?

There are burglars singing in the cellar.

Look out, look out, look out. Excuse me. Come here.

Come in... come in here. Give me... out of the way!

Got a smoking revolver in my hand, woman.

Dad, what's the matter? There are burglars singing in the cellar.

There are burglars singing in the cellar.

Burglars singing in the cellar!

Yeah, there's burglars singing in the cellar!

Great big fellows, about eight feet tall...

They sound like... they sound as though they're even more than that.

- What's that? - Nuts.

Walnuts. I just dropped them. I dropped them on the floor.

Will you go downstairs and get them out?

Yes, I will. Come on, Claude. We'll go down and root them out.

Claude, dear, I know you have the heart of a lion,

but if you want to see your poor, old mother die of heart failure,

you go down into that cellar.

Oh, I won't do anything to hurt you.

Indeed, Claude will not accompany you into that cellar.

If anything should happen to Claude,

you know very well it would kill my poor mother.

How can you be so selfish?

Oh, wait a minute, dad. I'll go with you.

Oh, no, you won't, dear.

You stay here. I know what I'll do. What?

I'll telephone the neighborhood patrol.

What do I pay them $5 a month for?

Oh! It's a different story when it comes to your own flesh and blood.

Hmm.

Yeah. I think I'll go and brush my teeth first.

No, you don't. You just brushed your teeth. Sit down and telephone.

Oh, yes.

Let's see, it's...

Hello, hello. Neighborhood patrol?

Has... oh. Oh, I beg your pardon. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm awfully... I apologize.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Crudd. I'm awfully sorry,

but we have burglars singing in our cellar.

I thought this was the neighborhood patrol, excuse me.

Who's that woman you were talking to?

Huh? Oh, a Mrs. Crudd.

Why do you call her up and tell her all your business

at this unearthly hour of the morning?

I didn't call her up. I called up the... The neighborhood...

I tried to get the neighborhood patrol and I got her on the phone.

Then why don't you call the neighborhood patrol

and tell them there are burglars singing in our cellar?

I'm looking for the number.

Here it is. Here. There, it's simple enough.

Hello?

Hello. Is this the neighborhood patrol?

Well, where were you? I called the wrong...

Listen, come over. We have burglars singing in our cellar.

Burglars singing in the cellar?

Come over right away, will you? Thanks.

All right, all right. That's simple. That's all done.

Did you tell them who was calling, and where to come to?

Who? What?

Gosh, I forgot that.

People make me sick.

Hey, listen, that was ambrose wolfinger talking.

Yeah, come over right away.

There are burglars singing in the cellar. Good. Okay.

Don't move!

A gildersleeve.

A cop.

What you drinking there?

Applejack.

There are three of them singing now.

Yeah, they're singing the same tune, too.

I... I feel as if I'm getting chill!

Oh, would you like a little drink of applejack?

Ambrose wolfinger.

Well, I thought I might join her.

You know perfectly well my mother detests alcohol.

Oh, yes, that's right.

When I was a young and a pretty girl, I always vowed to my parents

that lips that touch liquor, would never touch mine.

Oh, yeah. Pretty sentiment, very nice.

Yeah, that was fine of you to say that. That's nice.

That's all right, dear. Don't worry. I'm not even going into the cellar.