Happy Endings

All I'm saying is, there's no good reality television anymore.

Everything is so scripted. I wanna see something real.

Well, you could just watch an actual documentary.

What am I, a lesbian? That one with the penguins was pretty legit,

with Morgan Freeman? And, man, that guy can narrate.

I don't care how silky or inspiring his voice is.

I don't want to see a documentary about penguins.

What if the penguins got hammered off of body shots, formed a couple of alliances,

and had night-vision sex in a hot tub?

I'm listening. I'd watch the ass out of that.

I'm pretty sure penguins wouldn't survive in a hot tub.

I got the promotion.

I know!

You know what else you could do with those penguins, though?

You put 'em all in a loft in Tribeca,

give 'em 48 hours to redecorate the place...

Or we could talk about your thing. Promotion!

I'm so excited. I get a raise, I get a bigger office,

and the best part is, I get an assistant.

Nice. You're gonna love having an assistant.

They do all the boring stuff you don't wanna do,

like get your dry cleaning or buying anniversary presents

for your... your mailman.

Oh.

I am just so psyched, because I have had such terrible bosses,

and now I get to be, like, the cool boss,

you know, less "Devil Wears Prada,"

more Angel Wears Business Caszhe. You should be cool.

Okay, in high school, my boss was such a jerk,

I used to mess up orders just to get back at him.

Al, you worked at a pharmacy.

Don't make me come in on Memorial Day. Mm..

Damn, girl, you sassy! Don't make this little white girl do nothin'.

Don't make do nothin'. Y'all heard!

Happy Endings Episode 13 "Why Can't You Read Me?"

I'm telling you, penguins in a loft is not gonna work.

I feel like I've seen that before.

Now you replace the penguins with hasidic Jews

and you change the loft to a houseboat, you got a show.

Jews Cruise. I like it. You know who would be the awesomest host?

Brooke Burns.

Mike Ditka. Mike Ditka-

All-time winning-est Bears head coach,

all-time winning-est hair.

Pretty sure you could pay him in steak.

All right, ladies, two beers, double shot of Tequila.

- I didn't order that. - I know. I just can't keep serving an adult man sangria.

But I like the fruit. Yeah, you and me are gonna have to work on that.

And F.Y.I., the all-time winning-est Bears coach

is George Halas, not Mike Ditka.

Hmm.

Whoa! Dude, that girl's super into you.

Too bad she's not your type. What? I don't have a type.

Come on, bro. You like girlie girls.

Tough girls aren't your thing. I like tough girls. Real tough... men.

- So you guys saying I can't handle a tough chick? - Nope.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. I'm tough. But I'm super tough.

Hi. Hi.

- I was the guy at the table that you brought the... - Yeah.

Um, I don't know if this is weird or- 'cause I'm a patron,

- and you work here, but... - Oh, just pull up your skirt and ask me out.

Actually, it's, um, a slim-fit... jean, you know?

Uh...

Yeah, let's hang out.

Yeah!

Oh! Ooh.

Hey, I just heard about this midweek spa deal-

2-for-1 mani-pedis. You wanna go tonight?

Ah, I can't. I have pilates.

Oh, you meant Jane.

I can't go either. I've got a meeting

for my adult literacy organization. I need to start doing more good, you know?

Hey, maybe I could help.

Yeah, I don't think you'd like it.

It is a ton of work, with the planning

and the patiently sitting around, waiting for them

to sound out even the simplest words. Eee. Ugh.

It's-you're not missing anything. Trust me.

Okay, well, I guess I'll see you guys later then.

Thanks for breakfast. You're welcome.

Okay.

I know, I know. That was a crappy thing to do.

It's just that this literacy group is my thing,

and Alex always has a way of kinda

coming in and stealing all the attention.

In the year A.D. 89,

Titus Flavius domitian

ordered the construction of the hypogeum catacombs-

Look at me, daddy!

I'm emperor cloppy-shoes.

Look at you! Cloppy, cloppy.

Cloppy, cloppy, cloppy.

Oh, you're adorable, honey.

I've been working on this thing for so long.

I mean, the graduation is kinda my time to shine.

I mean, also the readers' time to shine,

but me, too, 'cause I've been working on my emcee jokes, and...

This whole thing is just super important to me.

Sorry. I can't stop thinking about your sister's little feet

in your dad's shoes.

Must have been hilarious!

Hey, Ree-Ree! Hey, Pee-Pee!

Yeah, we're gonna need a little brainstorming session on my nickname.

Here's your dry cleaning and your new cell phone.

I transferred your personal contacts to your new one

so you can use the old one for work. Hey, this looks complicated.

And I just took a picture of my cleavage.

And, yep, I just e-mailed it to my stepdad.

Oh, hey, Ree-Ree, one tiny scooch.

It says here on the bill you got $50 cash back?

Oh, my God. I totally forgot to mention that.

I just used $10 for lunch. I was getting your phone.

I didn't have time to go to the bank. I am so sorry.

Let me get you your change. Ree-Ree, come on. I'm the cool boss.

I am like Tina Fey, okay?

And I am totes down with you borrowing a little extra cash-ish in an emergency.

Oh. Okay. Thanks. Oh.

You just pocket that change

'cause I probably would've blown it on rent or groceries.

Pizza, we've got "Sportscenter," and not to go out on a limb here,

but that was some pretty decent lovemaking,

if I do say so myself. Am I right?

Yeah, totally. It was really, really fine.

So, uh...

What's-what's up with all the lacrosse stuff?

I'm a division 3 women's lacrosse coach.

Then why do you waitress?

Because I'm a division 3 women's lacrosse coach.

Right. Mm.

Cool.

So when you said before that the lovemaking was fine,

did you mean just fine, or did you mean, like-

like, '90s fine, like, "Girl, you're so fine"?

Um...

You know, it was good.

I just was hoping

next time we could be... a little more adventurous?

I mean, haven't you ever had any fantasies?

Um...

Well, I have always fantasized

about doing it under a waterfall

or maybe in the woods or maybe

in a room, surrounded by thousands of candles,

white, shrouded curtains blowing in from the wind outside.

So you want to have sex like you're in a Color Me Badd video?

Kinda.

Maybe we can play Color Me Badd in the background while we make our own video.

Like a Color Me Badd tribute video? Oh, you mean a sex tape.

Yeah. That makes so much more sense.

Yeah.

Penny keeps pocket-dialing me from her new phone.

Come on! Don't hate!

Oh, that's terrifying. Yet, it's all I want to listen to ever again.

So... Graduation Sunday is gearing up

to be quite the funday.

Can't wait for our new readers to show off their skills.

Oh. Food-Lauren, I have you down for three quiches,

Barbara, two quiches, and, Keisha, two hams.

I know, I know. It's hilarious.

But, uh, all jokes aside, we're counting on those hams.

Ladies, let's all thank Jane for her tireless planning

and hard work. To Jane. Jane.

Oh, well, I do my best. Hi, ladies.

Oh, who's this?

That's Alex, my sister.

Whatcha doing here, Al?

Well, I was in the middle of my mani-pedi, and I realized,

you know, what am I doing with my time?

So I went online, and did you guys know

that two-thirds of illiterates are women

and that 98% of illiterates come from developing countries,

and the word "pope" is actually from the Greek "pappas,"

which means "father"? I'm sorry.

I got caught up in a Wikipedia hole,

and once it has you, you can't get out. So... Whew!

Ha ha! Anyway, yeah.

So what are we doing, y'all? "Y'all"?

We were just planning our graduation event... Oh.

For our new readers. Oh, how fun.

I actually had a thought on that, too.

What if we served sugar cookies

in the shape of letters? What do you think?

No, I don't...

It's a genius idea, right, Jane?

It came to me. Yes. Yes. Genius.

Thank you.

It's happening again, Brad.

Alex swoops in, and everyone falls all over themselves because she says,

"Oh, hey, I'll make cookies in the shapes of letters."

That's genius. Genius? Really?

Come on, babe. You're making too big a deal of this.

Everybody knows your hard work means more than her cookies.

Save me a "B," though. They're the best.

They all taste the same. But the "B" is for my name.

Dude, I thought we were going to lunch.

Why aren't you dressed?

Penny didn't turn her phone off all night.

- What do you mean? - I mean I've been listening to her insane life.

Over the past 24 hours,

I've heard her flirt her way out of a parking ticket,