My Name Is Lenny

Come on, McLean! You fucking mug!

- Come on! - I ain't done yet.

Come on, boy. Right here. Right here.

What've you done?

I've wet meself.

You filthy bastard!

My dad is coming back soon.

No, boy!

I'm the guv'nor here. Your dad is dead!

I'm your stepdad now, that's the end of it!

Your dad is dead, shut your crying!

Mum's the guv'nor.

I'm the guv'nor.

It depends on the size of your mug!

Nine, ten. Nine, ten.

Nine, ten.

Tea. Val?

Oh, lovely.

Len, slow down.

Oh, mmm.

Give me your hands.

No, no, no, no.

I'm alright.

We're late for the rent again, Len.

You said that we wouldn't have to go into the pot.

Leave it with me, Val.

Lenny, I've made your breakfast.

I'm off, Val.

Lenny, what time are you going to be home?

Carrots!

Carrots.

- Lenny. - Hello, my son.

How are you feeling today, boy?

Strong as you like, Carrots, strong as you like.

Hey, when are you going to get a proper job, boy, hey?

Done with all that street rugging.

Oh, you will get your collar felt, you will,

with all that soppy graft.

Well, listen, the world is changing, boy.

It's not like when we was nippers.

You know, you got to have an angle

or a bit of cutlery

and you have got to get into something, boy.

I promise you, boy, what I do is not technically illegal.

Oh, technically illegal? You are an armed robber.

No. lam more like a... More like a saint.

Redistributing wealth. It's quite spiritual.

- (Sighs) - Karma, boy.

That'll get steam on the table.

Here you go, Teresa.

You need a couple of new wheels on there, babe.

Alright boys, how are you?

Come on, come on. Put 'em up, put 'em up. Right here.

Oh, harder. Oh, harder. Oh!

Hello, hello mate.

Come on, boy. Have a look at your boat, then.

Look like Godzilla, boy.

I've got character.

Hands like broken melons.

Proper use, boy. Potentialise yourself.

Alright, good soul, good boy.

Yeah, you have got to potentialise yourself.

Put them to proper use.

What do you mean, "Proper use"?

I have three gypsy fights lined up off my cousin Bootnose.

No, listen. I mean, in the ring, boy.

The ring?

Carrots, I love you. You are my cousin,

but gloves are for poofs, alright?

- Come on. - Alright.

Here, Trevor.

Hiya, Lenny.

I heard you been selling that shit around my manor again.

That gospel?

Look, someone's been telling you rubbish, boy.

Well, if I find out it's true, I'm coming after you

and I'm gonna hurt you.

- Hurt you! - OK. OK, Lenny.

And then I'm gonna feed it to you.

- OK, Lenny. - Fuck off!

Hello, Katie. Come here, sweetheart.

- Are you alright? - Yeah.

- You look beautiful, my love. - Thank you.

Go on, have a good one.

- Hello, Frank. - Right.

- Lenny. - (Lenny) Alright.

Oh, have a look at her, Len. She's golden, isn't she?

She's hovering.

God. She could straighten up Liberace.

Hello, Treacle, this is Trixie.

This is Sue's girl, Carrots. Trixie, this is Carrots.

Don't mind him, he is a little bit

highly strung at present, he's just got out of prison.

- Oi. - (Laughs)

You are actually just the man I've been looking for.

Oh. yeah?

How do you fancy doing a little favour for me?

That Alan's been giving me mum agg again.

Seems he won't take no for an answer.

Keeps banging on the door come 3:00 in the morning.

I can see he's got you all aeriated.

You leave it with me, alright? I'll sort it out.

Thanks, Len, that will mean the world to us.

Good girl.

I would drink your bathwater, I would.

Full of yourself, ain't ya?

I'll empty out later.

- Alright. - Ta-ta.

Ta-ra.

Oh, morning, Alan.

Speak of the devil.

So, what is this I hear about you terrorizing Sue

and her little girl Trixie, hmm?

No, Len, I ain't, I swear.

You swear. Well, someone's telling porkies, Alan.

Is it you or is it her?

I'll drop round.

I mean, it's only when I've had a drink I swing round there.

Oh, it's only when you've had a drink?

Well, you're having a drink right now, aren't you, Alan?

Does that mean you are going over there again?

Giving her agg?

Have I got to hurt you, Alan?

Have I got to hurt him, Carrots?

I am going to fucking hurt you, Alan?

Leave off.

I've just been paid, I just fancied I'd have a lager.

Oh, that's it then.

Funny thing, Al, you owe me a couple, didn't ya?

- There you go. - Thank fuck you bumped into me, Al.

Now, you are going to go round Sue's

and you are going to give this to her

and you are going to apologise.

You are going to say you ain't never going to bother her again.

And then you are going to come back here

and you are going to tell me what she said.

Fuck off, then.

Go on, Alan, I ain't got all fucking day!

- (Both laugh) - What a mug.

- Hello, ladies. - Hello, Carol.

Oh, it's a lovely sight, look at that.

You've nicked one of these before.

- Morning, Len. - Morning.

We've a couple of them, haven't we?

The Rozzers ain't catching you in that, I tell you that, boy.

Chaps.

Fellas.

- Carrots, how are you doing, son? - Hey!

- Alright, how is Lenny? - Top of the world.

Good boy. Stay out of trouble.

- (Woman) Carrots? - Leslie!

- Len, boy. - (Lenny) Hello.

- (Carrots) Les! - Carrots!

How's Douglas Haig, then, eh?

Are you still farting mackerel?

You two still on speaking terms?

Already been half poisoned.

Empty as a whore's handbag.

- Who poisoned him? - (Leslie) Reenie.

Left a bucket of Gordon's out on the side again.

Silly moo. Doggy drunk himself half to death.

They found him in a skip, Wednesday week and he's... (Chuckling)

Alright now. He's great.

Look at the smile on him.

He ain't smiling, old timer.

Look at him, his lip sticks out.

Better top up his sherry, then, boy. Always calms him down.

Get me a pint while you're there.

You ain't bought a drink since the Blitz, have you?

I ain't had any rump since then, neither.

Shrapnel blew me bollocks off.

Here, show Lenny your letter from the Queen.

- (Laughs) - (Lenny) Say, Carrots,

he was in the Somme, Leslie.

I know.

And you came back with what, half a plastic leg,

four bouts of syphilis and someone else's dignity, didn't you?

Yeah, and I would do it all again if I had half a chance.

- Beautiful, Bobby. - Oh, thank you very much, gentlemen.

Thank you, Leslie. Thank you, Carrots.

He's a sociable man.

Never leave your children unattended with him, mind you.

Alright. How about I get us another?

It's alright. Play on, play on.

Now, what are you having, boy?

Oh, Treble rum, please, Reenie.

What about you, Carrots?

I'll have two jars of ale.

Tepid or warm?

Reenie, if you was 50 years younger, I would dive straight up you.

You dizzy queen, I'm 49.

Life ain't been too kind, has it, Treacle, hey?

You will find out soon enough.

Me and Reenie was pulling babies out the rubble in the Blitz.

Why do you think I'm still here every day?

Cos every day is a gift,