Skins

Ladies and gentlemen, the seatbelt light has been switched off.

You are now free to move around the cabin.

We've reached cruising altitude and are flying over the French Alps.

Sorry, man.

It's nothing to do with you! It's the vibrations, innit?

Mm, yeah.

Fuck off, homo.

- You gonna be this horny the whole trip? - Just wait till we get there. Oh, man.

Those Russian peasant babes will do anything for some Levi's and a Big Mac!

Ok, everyone. Listen up.

Right, I want you all to remember that this is not a holiday, ok?

This is your chance to nail your module one history coursework...

post-Soviet industrial Russia.

It's a chance of a lifetime, gang.

Whoopee

Now, this isn't just education, yeah? It's total education.

Total piss up.

Uh, no, no, no, no. There'll be no "piss up", ok?

We're gonna work hard, understanding the culture and history

of Mokshovkov in the Mordovian Republic of the Russian Federation.

Ok? We're gonna see the real Russia, yeah?

The wild and desolate land that Napoleon and Hitler failed to tame.

This is adventure, yeah? This is living, breathing history.

Who's with me?

Thank you, sir. I was addressing history students only.

- This trip will blow their minds, and yours. - Great.

Oi, An, An. Where'd you hide the drugs, then?

- I thought you were bringing them. - No. You were gonna put 'em in your turban.

I don't wear a turban, Chris.

I thought you were gonna get one especially!

Don't panic, boys. We've got a back-up plan.

Urgh, not up his arse?

Christ.

Jeez.

Thanks.

What's happening?

They think he's a fucking terrorist?

- Where they gonna take me? - Do something.

- Right, ok. Leave it to me. - Tom, maybe I should...

No, no, no. I'm trip leader.

If anyone's gonna be anally searched, it should be me.

Trip leader. Let me through.

Nyet!

Get the fuck off me!

No, sorry, sorry. Listen, listen! That boy is in my charge

and I can give you my personal guarantee that...

Ah.

Oh, I see. Ok.

No, no, no. I've given you everything.

Ahh! There's nothing fucking up there!

No... ok, ok, ok.

That's totally stereotyping. You gonna let them get away with it?

Now what?

Just walk on.

I'm trying - they just look so disappointed I'm not a terrorist.

Well, you're a very dull Muslim, Anwar. Very dull indeed.

ROAR OF AIRPLANE ENGINES

Excuse me.

Uh, hello, excuse me.

Hello, hi. Uh, we're looking for our bus.

Um, we had an arrangement, uh, for a bus to, uh, Mokshokov.

- Mokshokov? - Um... How can I put this? Um...

- We ordered a bus. - Ahh!

Ugh. Bet you never thought you'd be doing this last week, eh?

No.

Fucking hell. This place better be good.

My hair is destroyed. I need a shower and a decent hairdryer.

Oh, great, Tom. We're staying in a fucking prison.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

This trip is all about understanding other people's culture.

Hello!

Dobry den.

- Ya, Tom Barkley. And you are... - Irene Kovskaya. Translator.

Come! I lock you in!

Ok, it's two to a room.

So pair up, people!

Raas! Russia's big, bruv! Me's gonna be hyped up.

No, it's same sex only, I'm afraid. So rearrange yourselves, yep.

Spoilsport.

Come, come.

- And we are going to be roomies, I'm afraid. - What?

Yeah. Budget couldn't stretch to single lodgings so...

We'll make ourselves comfy, yeah?

Yeah?

I pushed and pushed but still nothing.

What the fuck are we gonna do here without any drugs? Look it it.

Don't blame me if I've got guts of steel.

Dunno why you came anyway. You don't even do history.

I thought it would be uplifting.

Let me have a go.

Cheers, man.

Magic fingers.

What the fuck?

What?

"Bad mood-comfy jim jams"?

What? You try arguing with a 45-year-old Pakistani woman, then.

Did she pack you these as well?

No, but she packed me this.

Seriously impressive, man.

- Must have taken ages. - You can have it, if you want.

Cheers.

Dinner.

Wank or tell group?

Wank or tell group?

Ah, tell group!

Guys, guys!

I've seen boobs! A girl with boobs!

God, that's pathetic, Anwar.

No. You wanna see this, though! She's got a big chopper as well.

Oh, my God!

I wanna see that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, what about your dinner?

You don't wanna look at the girl with the boobs?

Nah. I prefer Welsh women.

She was there a second ago. She was there.

She'll come back. She was just there, I promise!

Tell us when the Spice Girls turn up, too, yeah?

Piss off.

She was there. She had boobs.

Yeah, whatever, man.

What you doing?

Looking for your "Sexy Saturday Night Leopard Skin Thong."

We're going out on the pull.

- Make sure you don't bring anyone back. - Huh?

We are sharing a room Max, yeah.

I don't wanna have to pretend to be asleep

while you're doing whatever you do with some big Cossack guy.

Maybe you can tempt your big-boobed peasant girl in here.

Have a bit of party, you know?

Seriously, I don't wanna have to be stuck around watching you do a guy.

Can I bring a girl back?

I could, couldn't I? You're shit, Anwar!

Have you ever tried being with a girl?

- What the fuck is wrong with you? - Well, have you?

Well, have you ever tried being with a man?

No! Don't be sick.

You calling me sick?

No!

I dunno what I think, yeah.

I'm just a Muslim.

Gay's... just wrong.

Then you don't want anything to do with me.

- All right, Max? - No.

Why?

Well, Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.

What, like, more Muslim than he was already?

A bit more Muslim, yeah.

Oh.

So I need to sleep in here, ok?

Fine. Sid'll swap. You don't mind, do you, mate?

No, it's cool.

Maybe take your bag, too?

Thanks.

What happened?

He's just, like, switched about me being... You know.

Blond?

- No! - Short?

Gay!

Shall I give you head?

- What? - It'll cheer you up.

For fuck's sake.

You're supposed to be a friend, and I've come here with a problem.

- You fuck! - We're in Russia. I wanna try something new!

I'm not a hobby, Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here!

I've been canoeing.

- Well, what about Michelle? - Loves canoeing.

- Tony! - Fine.

What you doing?

I'm gonna get an early night. Coming to bed?

Hey, Max. Can you give me and Tony some time alone, please?

No. Yeah, Sure. Sorry.

Don't come in, Tom.

It's Chris.

Chris.

I'm changing. You ok?

Can't sleep.

Well, have you got a book?

Why would I have a book?

You're a student.

But we don't need books for your sort of thing, do ya?

Psychology. It's all in your head, innit!

Let me in and I'll show you my reverse-psychology.

No.

Fine. I'll go away then.

All right.

Very clever.

So what do you want?

Just wanted to see you.

Ok.

And, er, maybe a goodnight kiss.

Hope you're decent!

Wait a minute!

Ok. Come on in.

Tom. You're staring.

Was I?

- Tom! - Sorry.

Well, I'll be over there.

If you need me.

You ok?

Yes, um...