Chozen

Yo, the best things in life don't last long.

Like nutting, leftover birthday cake,

and Joey Fatone's beautiful physique.

Bye, bye, bye.

Oh, goddamn... shit!

And to think, a week ago, it was all a dream.

Just like B-I-G predicted. Baby, baby.

Dude, she's totally into you.

I've had sex 16 times. I know what I'm talking about.

Bros, stoked you want to get your party on.

But unfortunately, no room for freshman.

I told you we wouldn't get in, Manesh.

Don't worry. I got this.

Bro, this isn't Mumbai. There are rules here.

Hey, hey. I said no fresh-men. Fresh-women are always welcome.

Ladies, Thatcher Brooks.

Mi casa es su casa.

Can't help it. Bi-ling.

- Summer in Madrid. - Ooh. I hear Spain's amazing.

Hey, guys, we're having a lingerie party next week.

And it would be tops

if you guys could just go ahead and kill yourselves.

'Cause I don't really want to have to go through this again.

Adios, compadres.

1x06 - I'm With the Contraband

They separated the men from the women.

- Just like the goddamn holocaust. - Exactly like the holocaust.

I'm sure all the women inside there are naked and scared.

All we can do now is drink our cares away.

- Like poets. - This sucks.

Maybe it was for the best. All we would've gotten are hangovers,

smoke in our hair, and bugs all up in our dick-fur.

- Oh, that sounds awesome. - Yeah, it kind of does.

- Yo. What's up, cool dudes? - Oof!

Sneak attack! Yo.

All bullshit aside, though, I'mma need that tomorrow.

Heavy on the fabric softener, please.

And don't be using that generic shit. put snuggles on the case.

Yo, what happened, did George Lucas die?

Y'all giving "sausage party" a bad name.

I'm glad I B-Y-O'd my own B.

Aye, tech support, you need to stop reckless eye-balling my macrobrew.

Sorry, we just got frosh-blocked by some fraternity toilet-head.

Goddamn it, man. I bet the girls are getting drunk right now.

Yeah, probably getting face-blasted, too.

- Those frat dudes move fast. - This is so unfair.

Freshman guys can't get in anywhere. No one respects us.

You wouldn't know anything about it.

I did not come to America to be sober.

And that's when I realized I knew these young dudes

better than they knew they own selfs.

Dah!

And when you really think about it,

being a frosh ain't all that different from being a fish.

New to the harsh realities of institutional life.

No connections. No privacy.

C'mon, smile. Spread those cheeks.

Cough twice, spread your cheeks.

Yeah, spread those cheeks, girl.

Spread them cheeks, boy.

Either way, you gots to do your bid.

But a little contraband can turn "hard time"

into "the time of yo' life."

And for the entre-prison-neur, it. Don't. Stop.

Rainin'. Money.

Best of all, I wouldn't have to keep that shit all up in my butt hole.

Yeah! Got that stout liquor to get you there quicker.

Ha! That means beer.

- Yes! - Hey, yo! Fall back.

This fine malt is priced a dollar a shot.

Hippy-hippy-shake! Cocktail style!

You know what? Make that two bucks a shot.

- Here we go... kokomo! - No!

The only thing lower than their tolerance for booze...

was my tolerance for bullshit.

That's almost $100 in money. I mean, we keep this up,

and there's no telling how far we could go.

Maybe you guys could get some new audio equipment.

Silly Troy.

Jay-Z didn't just run out and buy a bunch of music machines.

First he built a solid, yet subtle, criminal enterprise.

Then he got paid and bought fly shit.

Then he rapped about said-fly shit and really got paid.

It's called the blue print. It's a vicious, lucrative cycle.

Ah, that's a good point, dog.

I'm gonna step up my tooth game I'mma get a shiny-ass new grill.

It's gon' be like rims for lips.

I'mma get me a bike, some leathers, dope helmet,

and a little compartment for my sunglasses.

Straight ruff ryders style. Ruff-ruff!

Oh, yeah! Shout-out to dreams within reach!

Oh, guys, this is just like the episode of Entourage

when curly-haired Vince and his boys stand on top of the roof

and talk about how they're gonna run Hollywood and shit.

Is that, that show with those three ugly-ass dudes and... turtle?

I like that one.

Ugh.

Oh, dear Jesus, please let E.T. be at the end

of this candy trail.

Thanks for nothing, Jesus. Phil, what's going on?

- Free enterprise, prison style. - Most of this stuff is stolen.

In my defense, I did say prison style.

Tracy, I don't know if you were aware, but exploiting the underserved

is a time-honored method to unlockin' untold power and riches.

- This smells like trouble. - Trouble is odorless.

That sweet pungency tickling your nostril holes must be

these dead prezzies!

Oo-whee, Andy Jackson made a stinky.

- That's just a lil' taste. - Not interested.

A'ight, just sayin'.

I see you peepin' them high-gloss surfaces.

Luxuries...

Luxuries...

Hey, you got I. D., homey?

Underage only, player. Get outta here.

Oh, right this way, ladies. Wink.

When you're the only game in town, word spreads fast.

Nearly half the freshmen dorm was up in that joint.

On a school night, you heard?

Hi. You have any Vodka Redbulls?

It's gonna be $18, hot shot.

- Uh... can I pay with ritalin? - Well, this sounds like good stuff.

80 mg time release. Big boy pills. I like your style, son.

All bets are in, then? Fight!

Get it!

I'm giving two-to-one on Jared versus homesick from Tampa.

My name's Tim, and I'm just depressed... Ugh!

I wanna go home!

These are free at the health center.

Cool, no problem. They open at nine. I'm sure she can wait.

Come on, daddy, let's go.

You're gonna go with that one?

This one's got spermicide, undercoatin', and a generous reservoir tip.

Or for a dollar more, you get all that

- plus protection against vagina goblins. - Vagina goblins?

Itchy.

- $10 for 15 minutes. - Aw, but I won't need that long.

It's not my problem, stud.

Tracy! You gangsta.

Guess it runs in the family.

Heat wave! It's them hogsnouts!

Then I remembered, not everyone here spoke prison.

It's a raid, bitches! Go go go!

Quite the party here tonight.

I ain't got the foggiest, what the hell you talkin' bout, screw.

Screw, huh?

When those peels come off?

Just got sprung, but my bit was a bum beef.

What are you, a catch out?

I went from new jack to hack,

all the way to mighty whitey

before I got dirty.

Listen up, inmate.

Freshman dorm is my block, but for 20% of the action,

I can get you a dedicated spot.

But what's the catch?

20%.

That sounds fair as hell.

- Password. - We no discuss no password, dog.

How about "Chozen got a big old dong?"

I'm not tryin' to talk about your dick, man.

What about "backstrokin' USA?"

Hey, Chozen. What about Beetlejuice?

Nice try, Ricky. I ain't scared.

Why do we need a password?

- Every exclusive club has a secret pass... - Beetlejuice.

Ricky, do not say that thing a third time!

- Beetlejuice. - God damn it, fine!

Ricky, if that sumbitch shows up, it's on you.

We all know what he did to Whitney Houston.

- Wait. Wh-what? - Behold...

- Our new center of operations! - This place is a shit hole.

And you know what you do with a shit hole?

Fill it up with cool things.

Now that we had our own spot, it was more than a hustle.

It was a empire.

- Nice jacket. You ride? - Yeah. As soon as I get my bike.

Blackjack. House... wins.

Yeah. I'm gonna have the freshest Mexican grill since chipotle.

I love your moves. You're a really good dancer.

I make a lot of mistakes when I'm drunk.

Ha ha, tell me about it.

I totally get sch-wasted all the time.

Anything they could dream...

I made come true...

for the right price.

Crime is so much cooler once you get organized.

I bet that's why the mafia is so into it.

Plus the money and the drugs.

All right. There we go.

Is it cute? Is it hot?

Oh, no. It's super cute. Super hot.

It's just what you asked for. A rock and roll scorpion.

Oh! I wanted a butterfly.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're probably not gonna like this then.

Anything's better than stretch marks though. Am I right?

Have a great night.

God damn! Look at Steve Harvey over here, huh?

That suit's lookin' sharp.

Steve Harvey, personal hero.