Attenberg

Ugh, what am I late for?

Fire!

Oh! How do they always know?

Oh, my God, Amy...

This is your greatest scare yet.

- Fire. - What?

- Fire! - Wait...

Amy, this fire is amazing!

I cannot believe she did this.

It was definitely Amy who did this.

Olivia, you have to come out here and see this.

I think there's a dead body in the hallway.

This is gonna be so awesome. (LAUGHING)

She's gonna be so scared.

I think we're supposed to leave.

Oh...

Fire! Fire! Everybody needs to evacuate! Get up!

Fire! This is not a drill!

Listen, if anyone asks, I think we should say

you slept in your own room tonight.

It's just, us sleeping in the same bed and the fact that we're

the same level of attractiveness, no one's gonna believe that nothing happened.

Right. Plus you're naked.

Aw, you noticed.

Fire! Get out!

Whoa... Oh!

Fire! This is not a drill! Come on! Come on!

Aw! Please get your penis off my nose.

Ah, there's no time! Ah! Ah

You guys! Wait for me.

Stop! Wait!

Hutcherson Dorm is on fire.

Please send every fireman that you've got.

I need hoses, and ladders and Dalmatians...

Oh, when did you stop using Dalmatians?

Hey, hey, it's okay.

It's okay.

Can you please take your hand off my ass?

You got it.

Who's this?

- Ooh! (GASPS) - (BARKS)

What's that? There's a fire? Where?

- (BARKS) - In here?

- (BARKS) - And all the residents

are in danger? And it's our job to save them?

- (BARKS SOFTLY) - Well...

What are we waiting for? Let's go!

Morris, Hays, Hudson... All right, where's Mike Shelton?

Gosh, probably jacking off in his room again.

I'm right here.

Oh, hey man, good to see you. Glad you're okay.

Hey, Rachel, look...

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Oh...

Okay. Cool, just think about it. Let me know.

This is so bad.

I knew you were gonna say that,

but I promise to walk him and feed him. He's my responsibility.

Can I keep him, please?

I don't care about the dog.

We set fire to a 160 million dollar building.

But, you got everybody out safe.

They'll be proud of you for that.

No. No, they won't. They're gonna be looking for someone to blame.

Trust me, Thoreau isn't like that.

We're a family and what matters is the family is safe,

not who's to blame.

We are here to assign blame.

That's what matters.

We will not have any preconceived

notions of who is responsible for the fire

at Hutcherson Dorm.

Olivia Blunt.

As I mentioned before, this is merely a fact-finding mission

to determine what happened to the crown jewel of Thoreau College.

This is a private hearing, not a criminal proceeding.

Although, when we figure out who did this,

we may casually let it slip to the police and our lawyer

so we can sue them until they are homeless.

I will now turn things over to Fred Flaterman,

the premier fire investigator

of his generation.

Dean Berber, that's very flattering.

Now, we're here today because of a fire.

But what is fire?

Fire is hot.

And fire is scary.

I'm glad he didn't call on me.

I didn't guess either of those.

In a controlled environment, fire can bring a man warmth,

cook his food,

or melt wax over his lover's bare skin.

But in an uncontrolled environment,

fire is a rageful bitch,

hungry for flesh, thirsty for blood...

If we could just get to the blame.

Yeah, sorry, my bad. Uh...

It's come to my attention that a series of

systematic failures

allowed the fire to spread as quickly as it did.

Now, it's my job to determine if anyone here...

Such as Olivia Blunt.

Right. Such as Olivia Blunt, should be held responsible.

Now, I'd like to start with a fact that I think you'll all find quite illuminating.

This is not the first time the fire alarm has gone off in Hutcherson.

To elaborate on this, I'd like to call Tyler Stone to the stand.

Uh, let the school record show that there is no stand,

because this is not a court of law.

Even though someone is definitely going to jail for this.

Mr. Stone,

is it true you set the fire alarm off in Hutcherson

with a marijuana cigarette?

No.

Tyler, light up that doobie.

Come on, Ty. You got this, man.

Aw, I'm sorry, guys. I'm out of gas.

I tried to, but this religious chick dropped the beef-bomb so bad

it set off the carbon-monoxide alarm.

Wait. There was an explosive device of some kind?

No.

She pooted.

She cut the cheese.

She ripped ass.

I see. An episode of flatulence.

Can't say I haven't been there myself.

But before this,

Olivia encouraged you to light a joint in the dorm?

She didn't not encourage me.

Ms. Willard.

- May I call you Ms. Willard? - Sure.

May I call you Ms. Willard?

No.

Ms. Willard, we have several witnesses who say

they heard the fire being attributed to you.

Amy, this fire is amazing!

I cannot believe she did this. It was definitely Amy who did this.

Why is that?

That's 'cause this seems like something I'd do,

but I did not.

Well, if it wasn't you, do you have any idea who would do it?

That's what I wanna know.

If I can just figure out who the Fire Lady...

Uh, bless you?

Let's move on to the next person.

But, I didn't even...

Not a request. Not a request.

Mr. Parker, thank you for being here today.

I know you are a very busy man.

- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Oh, one second.

Ah. This is work. Do you mind if I...

Hello, this is Sam.

That's my work voice.

What? No, Julianna was supposed to...

Eduardo doesn't...

- We can just come back to you, son. - I don't know,

maybe she's actually sick, Theresa.

Rachel, uh, you were found inebriated the night of the fire.

Now, did any of your RAs know you were drinking in the dorms?

So, you're not gonna bust me?

I mean, I'll probably get in huge trouble if I don't, but no,

I don't wanna do that to you.

Can I plead the Fifth?

No.

All right, well, let me rephrase.

Have any of your RAs shown a known disregard for the rules by participating

in school-related drinking?

Welcome, residents, to the rager-to-end-all-ragers!

Okay, now to kick things off, I'm going to take five shots of vodka.

Count 'em out. Okay.

Ready, set, drink!

- Who's ready to party! - (CHEERING)

Can we talk about something else?

My parents are polygamists.

- Ms. Flowers... - Uh, just Leslie is fine.

Please.

I'm an old-fashioned guy who likes to treat his ladies with the respect they deserve.

Sir, I'm not a lady.

Well, that's not what's listed here in the university registry.

That's Ms. Leslie Flowers to you!

Bam!

Now, Ms. Flowers, where exactly did Doug Wiener's balls hit you?

How is that relevant to the fire?

Dean Berber, the lady witness is being non-responsive.

I am responding and I'm not a lady.

And now she's being hysterical.

I am not getting hysterical...

Ms. Flowers, will you please just answer the question?

We all have families we'd like to get home to.

Ms. Flowers.

Show me on the doll where Mr. Weiner's balls hit you.

No more questions.

I'd like to call Mr. Doug Weiner.

I know they're coming for you, but they're not gonna get you on my watch.

I got this.

Mr. Weiner,

where were you when the fire started?

I was in my room, alone, on my bed.