The Carmichael Show

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Maxine... can you believe Whole Foods

tried to get me to buy a reusable bag?

Why's everybody pretending to care

about the environment right now?

You cannot realistically care about the future

of your great-great-grandchildren.

Look, Jerrod, my dad is in town for only 48 hours.

So, just dinner tonight, graduation tomorrow, that's it.

So, I just really want this to go well.

He has unreasonably high standards.

So why am I looking at a bottle of wine with a screw off top?

Because screw tops are in right now.

Don't you listen to NPR?

I just want my dad to like you.

Don't worry. Just relax.

He's gonna like me. He's gonna love me, actually.

You know, I can charm rich people really easily,

'cause all you got to do is bring up the play Hamilton.

Seriously,

rich people love that. I don't know

if the Illuminati is real, but if so, "Hamilton"

is definitely the password to get into their meetings.

Look, I think it's gonna take a little bit more than Hamilton

to impress my dad. He is impossible to please.

You know, all through school I got straight A's

until the tenth grade... I got my first B

- and he took away my car for a month. - Whoa, whoa.

You had a car in tenth grade?

- It was used. - Okay,

make and model, right now. And I'm making eye contact with you,

so don't lie to me.

It was a BMW 325.

You were such an abused child, Maxine.

Oh, my God,

they should make a sequel to Precious

based off your life.

We should tell Syrian refugees your story

so they won't want to come here anymore.

Okay, just open the door.

Okay, one more. You're the American Malala.

Maxine, is your rich daddy here yet?

- How are you, sweetie? - Uh...

I want to ask him how much money he got, 'cause I'm curious.

- Don't do that. - No, I'm gonna do it.

No, no. As a reminder,

rich people don't like being called rich to their face.

That's why we came up with the term upper middle class.

Now, Maxine, we know that your dad is gonna probably

give you a big, fancy graduation gift.

But we didn't want to compete with that,

so I decided to give you

three sincere hugs.

Here's the first one.

Oh.

Oh, God, that feels so good.

Ooh! Yes, I know.

That's why I don't go around just giving those things out.

That was from me, too.

Hey, y'all.

We are ready for our free steak dinner.

Again, Bobby, the dinner's not free.

I'm paying for it.

Well, Jerrod, look, just a heads-up. I'm gonna

do that thing where I go grab my wallet and say, "Oh, man, no...

you got it last time. Allow me."

But just know that's just a empty gesture

I do in front of company.

Do not take me up on that offer.

So, I know Jerrod said that we can't ask how much money

your rich daddy got, but, um, what does he do?

Uh, he's in commercial real estate.

Commercial real estate?

Ooh, la, la.

Wait, is your mom coming, Maxine?

Well, if my memory serves me correctly,

Maxine's mom is bogged down

in booze and-and pills

and refuses to be in a room with Maxine's dad

since the divorce.

Did I get it right?

Is that's why she's not here?

Did I get it right?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, honey, good memory.

Yeah, that multi-vitamin is just paying for itself.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go finish getting ready.

But don't let that stop you

from talking about my dysfunctional family.

Okay.

You know, her cousin is in jail on a hit and run.

Look... Look, all right?

This dinner is really important to Maxine,

so when we get to the restaurant don't talk about

how expensive the menu is,

and nobody's gonna split a steak to save money,

and nobody is gonna order a red wine with Coke in it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look here, Jerrod, it's called a Calimocho

and they drink it in Spain.

Yeah.

You think you better than the Spanish, Jerrod? Huh?

Yes.

I don't like this special effort

we're having to give this man just because he's rich.

Well, of course rich people get special treatment.

They earned it. Shoot, if I'm driving

and somebody cuts me off in traffic in a Mercedes,

I don't even get mad.

I just say to myself that is a Mercedes man

and he's probably got Mercedes things to do.

Go on with your day.

But, now...

say you cut me off in traffic driving a Civic,

well, I'm gonna lay on the horn, and I will

threaten you with some violence.

Why you going in a hurry in your damn Civic?!

You ain't got no place to be.

Oh, he's here.

Oh, I'm gonna say "charmed" when I meet him.

Rich people love to say "charmed"

when they greet each other.

Hi, Dad.

Charmed.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

They tried to force a Prius on me at the car rental place.

If I wanted a golf cart, I would've asked for one.

Oh, that's okay. Uh, this is my boyfriend, Jerrod.

Hey.

- You're white. - Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, I really lucked out there.

Now, Maxine, I've been making jokes about your daddy

all this time 'cause I figured he was the black one.

You never hear about white men marrying black women,

except for, um...

that Robert De Niro and Ebert.

George Lucas.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Wait, do you have to have a billion dollars

to be white and marry a black woman?

- Oh, my God. - Okay, Mr. North,

Hamilton... let's talk about it.

Hamilton, the, uh, play? That's an odd thing

- to just randomly bring up. - Yeah, yeah, but you saw it, right?

What did you think? You like it?

It was the most incredible experience of my life.

I sat right next to Josh Groban all night

as tears went down his face.

See, Maxine? Everything's gonna be great.

Maxine's dad,

can I interest you in a Calimocho?

So, uh, Grant. Commercial real estate, huh?

That's right.

I'm in the moving business,

so there's a little bit of crossover there, you know.

See, I move furniture into buildings,

and you sell those buildings.

So, how much money you really got?

Dad! No.

Cynthia, uh, Maxine has told me a lot about you.

Has she?

Well, I have plenty to say about her, too.

- Um... uh, Dad, do you want some wine? - Sure.

Grant, tell us something embarrassing about Maxine

so we can tease her.

Well, let's see. Uh, when she was young she, uh,

sucked her thumb. Only way we could get her to stop

was to tell her someone was gonna cut it off

with big, sharp scissors.

You know, like...

in the... the nursery rhyme.

What the hell nursery rhyme is that?

It's German. They used to read it to us in the foster home.

I like you.

Yeah, the Germans really know

how to get a point across, huh?

Maxine, listen, I-I can't wait until tomorrow

to give you your graduation gift. You got to open it now.

Is it a ticket to go around the world?

'Cause I'd love to see Maxine take a trip around the world.

Wait, you got me a job interview?

To be the psychologist at a prestigious private school

in Charlotte. It's a good job for a starter city.

Truth be told, the interview's

just a formality. The job is already yours, honey.

- Congratulations. - Oh...

- Happy graduation. - Uh, well,

I appreciate what you're trying to do here, Dad,

but, um, I already have a job lined up.

I'm gonna be a county social worker.

Ugh, county?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

that-that sounds like community service.

Did you get a DUI? Why didn't you call me?

You know I can get those things erased.

Uh, thank you, but I-I'm gonna be a social worker.

Maxine, now, I'm sure there were a lot of people

who were way more qualified than you

that your daddy had to bump out of the way