Baywatch

All right, boys. Here we go.

Nice and easy.

Oh, man, Mitch, if you weren't here...

I'm always here.

Don't worry, your friend's gonna be all right.

Are you Batman?

Sure, pal. Just bigger and browner.

- All right, boys, get him in. - Have a good run, Mitch.

All right, Steph.

- Yeah, Mitch. Yo, Eros.

How's it looking out there?

Lippers are feebs today. Just eggy.

Ah, eggy beyond, brah.

Nuggin' higher outside than a full-on gazebo.

- Good call, brah. - Come on.

- All right, brah-brah! - It's just brah.

- Come on, Pete. - Hey, Mitch!

I told you, you don't have to do this every day.

I want to. You saved my sister's life.

You think I'm gonna forget that?

All right. Well, listen, tomorrow make my pecs a little bigger.

And don't cover up my front bump.

You got it. Huge dick.

Big dick.

- Yo, Ellerbee. - Hey, Mitch.

Hey, come on, man, why don't you leave my boys alone,

and get off this big wheel and come join me for a run?

What are you saying, that I need to work out?

That I'm, what, looking smaller?

No! You're looking big.

I don't know how you fit in that uniform, man.

- Oh, yeah? - Hey, hey!

If I had a sister, I'd introduce you to her, man.

You all right, all right.

Wait, was that sarcastic?

Like calling a tall guy "Shorty"?

Damn it, he always does that to me.

I heard he invented Google and gave it all to charity.

Man, I heard he invented the cure for the common cold.

He ain't Superman, he's a damn county lifeguard.

Grown man wears spandex to work.

So does Superman.

Hey, fuck you! Get off my beach!

I don't even have to stretch to guard you. Let's go.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Ahh! Not on my beach, Arian!

What up, Vern? - What's up, Mitch?

He saved my nana's life. I ever tell you about that?

Every time he jogs by.

Literally, every single time.

Hi, Mitch. (CHUCKLES)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Flakka. Jesus.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

- Hey, Mitch. - Hey, can I see that?

Ah...

- Where'd you get this? - Right there.

Right there, huh? Is this the only one?

All right.

You could go over there, you could go the fuck over there,

get the fuck out of here!

What part of "private" do you not understand?

Hey, hey. What's up, boys?

Ah...

- Beach belongs to everybody. - Nothing belongs to everybody.

That's not nice.

- There are killer waves, boys. Go shred. - It's on.

- Later, Mitch. - All right, brah.

Ah, you don't want to do that, big dog.

I'm an animal lover, but I will put you down.

Frankie! Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Frankie, stop.

Don't you know he's a friend?

What a terrible, terrible way to meet.

- You're Lieutenant Buchannon, right? - I am.

Victoria Leeds, the new owner of the Huntley Club.

Of course. I know exactly who you are.

- Oh? - (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Well, welcome to Emerald Bay. - Thank you so much.

I heard you were a head-turner. What an understatement that is.

And I heard you were a charmer. Guess that's an understatement, too.

Nah...

Um, I apologize for Frankie.

I know this beach is public and, honestly, I wish the club was, too.

- But you, you're welcome anytime. - Thank you very much.

- I'll see you around? - Yes, you will.

Okay, I get that you have to test for image stabilization,

but why'd we have to come to the beach?

You know I hate the beach.

Besides, I got to get back to work at the Huntley.

Well, I'm sorry, man, but the beach is important, okay? It's, uh...

It's, you know, the wind and the, uh...

Just...

Oh... (LAUGHS) I get it.

- I get it now, okay. I get it. - Who... What, C.J.?

No, I didn't even know she was working on the beach today.

"I didn't know C.J. was working."

- Shut up, Dave. - Hey, Ronnie.

Ha...

It's Ronnie, right?

What the fuck? Yeah, it's Ronnie.

- I'm Dave. - Hi, Dave.

Nice to meet you. - C.J. How you doing?

I'm doing all right.

You're trying out today, right?

I saw your name on the board. That's how I...

Say... Say something.

Kinda feel like this is your year.

Stop that.

Okay. Um...

Well, I'll see you at tryouts.

Eh... All right, C.J.

That was amazing to watch.

She came up to you, she was very nice and warm.

And you handled it really smoothly.

- Really? - Fuck, no. That was awkward.

- It was horrible. - Fuck!

Did you have a stroke? It felt like you had a stroke.

Hey, I'm Matt Brody.

And not a single fuck was given.

Ooh!

Hey, Ronnie. - Oh, hey, Steph.

- Welcome back. - Thanks.

Third time's a charm, right?

Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm...

Hey.

I'm more motivated than ever.

So you just need to fill out this form and take off your shirt.

Ahh... My shirt. No, I don't... Ugh.

No one wants to see that.

Take it off.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Ooh!

Wow. Nice nipple-fros, bro. Damn!

Hey, does anyone have a weed whacker?

We got a comedian on the line. What's your name, funny guy?

- I'm Zane. - You're Zane.

Why don't you step out of my line, Zane?

- Okay. - Okay.

You need to understand one thing, Zane. We're a family here.

A team. And we support each other.

- You're out. - Come on, I'm... I'm Zane.

- Get the fuck off my beach. - Okay. Okay.

So you're going to make me guess your name?

Are you following me?

I was actually just going to ask you the same thing.

Okay. Look, you're hot.

I may resist for a while, but we both know eventually I'll give in.

So why don't we just skip that.

Why don't you put a baby in me?

- Now. - You know, honestly...

I was thinking dinner first.

But we could try the baby thing, if you want.

You are trying. Way too hard.

Trying's the best part.

- Summer. - Hi.

I was hoping we'd see you here.

I couldn't sleep last night. I am so excited.

Hey, it's your day today, Summer.

Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?

Uh, no, no, I'm not trying out.

I'm actually already on the team.

You're already on this team?

I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.

"Ready for duty"? Oh, okay.

Um, you got any papers or anything like that?

I do. There you go.

Oh, it's a permission slip. Literally. "Dear Mitch,

"I am pleased to write you on behalf of Mr. Matt Brody."

- Right. Well, no free passes. - Yeah. Whoa.

At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a shit.

I legit needed those for my taxes.

What you need is to understand that if you're going to be on this team,

- you got to earn it. - Really?

Yeah. So, why don't we start this whole thing over,

just like gentlemen?

Where you from, One Direction?

Um... Iowa?

- Iowa? - You heard of it?

Yeah, I know what it is.

- Hey, Steph. - Hey.

New Kids on the Block here is from Iowa.

Oh, man.

And, uh, he says he's already on the team.

- Yeah. - Doesn't have to try out.

- Really? - Yeah, absolutely.

Let me ask you this... A lot of oceans in Iowa?

No, just ponds and lakes and cocky pretty boys, apparently.

Uh-huh. Cocky pretty boys.

Hey, Mitch, what happened to that

last pretty boy recruit we had?

- He died. - R.I.P.

Are you guys being serious right now?

I honestly can't tell.

You show up here, matching bathing suits.

What is this, "lifeguard hazing"?

I'm Matt Brody.

I hold the world record in the 200 meter.

Two gold medals.