Dr. Ken

I looked it up online.

It's hemorrhoids.

Hmm.

That's your diagnosis?

Who should we listen to?

The doctor or the guy with the inflamed ass

and the Internet connection?

Hmm.

All right, webmd-bag.

Based on your symptoms, I'm recommending a colonoscopy.

What? Colonoscopy?!

Hey, relax with the upsell, buddy.

It's a hemorrhoid.

"It's a hemorrhoid." Duh.

You would know since your head's up your ass.

That was a good one. Hold on a second.

Go to hell!

It's just a little hemorrhoid!

"Go to hell! It's just a little hemorrhoid!"

Man, I love that guy.

Oh, my god.

I'm so stressed out.

These patients are such whiny, complaining bitches.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

Um, what do you think might alleviate your stress?

Well, for starters, my wife could help.

In what way?

Well, she could conduct the rest of this session with her top off.

We could see where it goes.

I only do that for paying customers.

You have change for a $5?

Nina: Dr.Park? Both: Yes?

Your 5:15 is running late.

Thank you, Nina.

Ken, what is wrong with you?

You know, Molly's got her driver's test today,

and I'm, like, so nervous.

What if she doesn't fail?

Look at her.

She's our baby girl, and cars are death machines.

You said the same thing about tricycles, seesaws, and puppies.

Puppies grow up to be dogs, dogs eventually die.

Broken heart, drug abuse, prostitution, death.

Wow.

The day I got my license, I was so excited.

I was waving to a buddy,

and I drove straight into a parked car.

But she's not you.

I know.

She's like me but popular.

We have the same number of hands,

but she has way more people to wave to.

She's growing up. We got to give her some freedom.

Kids don't need freedom. They need...

What's the opposite of freedom?

Duct tape.

They need... To be taped... down.

Oh, my god.

You sound like your father.

No, I don't.

My father sounds like this.

Which means...?

"Tape down. Child cannot run!"

Okay, come on.

Mama's got to work.

Love you.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

It's all right, Mr.Cantos. Come on in.

Just talk about your kids a lot.

Gets her super-turned on.

Hey, buddy.

What you got going on?

I'm rehearsing.

Oh, right, right. Big talent show.

Lay it on me.

Sexy yet kid-friendly.

Oh, good god! Is that mime?!

Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Um, Dave...

And now you're in a box? Really?

Dave...

Every kid does one thing in school that they're defined by,

and you really don't want yours to be mime,

because that is an invisible box that you cannot get out of.

Oh, you showed dad your mime act?

Yeah, and he thinks it's lame.

Dave, I don't think it's lame.

I know it's lame.

I am so proud of your originality, honey.

Why don't you go practice upstairs?

Uhp. Forgot my box.

Need a hand with that, buddy?

No, dad. It's imaginary.

Come on, alli. We can't just let this happen.

We got to protect him.

We got to support him.

And this is what he wants to do.

It's mime!

You know what the audience is gonna want to do?

Ungh!

Suck it, los Angeles!

Your traffic just got a little worse!

Oh, you passed!

Yay.

Thanks for being happy for me, dad.

Oh, Molly, if it seems like I'm not happy,

it's only because I'm not.

Of course your dad is happy.

I'm not. I'm really not.

Okay, if you can't be happy, can you be quiet?

How about that?

Anyway, I was thinking tomorrow night

I should probably take dad's convertible.

Thanks, dad!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't have my car.

I need it.

Mom!

Is it cool if I take your car tomorrow night?

Sure. I think there's...

No. Need that one, too.

You need two cars?

Yeah, I'm having a... parade.

Ugh!

Thanks a lot, dad.

What?

I spend all day listening to those damaged nutjobs

on that couch telling me all the ways

their parents screwed them up.

Molly's growing up, Ken.

Rip off the duct tape or you're gonna lose her.

Fine, I'll try it your way.

You're right... I love these kids.

I would never do anything to scar them.

Hey, dad, want to...

Not now, son. A little busy.

Hey, you know what?

You can borrow my car tomorrow night.

Really? What about the parade?

Well, they're expecting rain,

and... it was fake, so...

Thanks, dad.

On three conditions.

Number one, no texting while driving.

Why would I increase my chances of an accident by 46%?

And the rearview mirror isn't for applying makeup.

It's for safety.

True, but you can't just rely on the rearview.

You have to turn around. Blind spots. Duh.

Okay, okay.

Here's something they don't teach you in driver's Ed.

If you see a friend while driving,

do not, under any circumstances, wave.

Dad, please, no one waves anymore.

- Really? - No.

Hmm.

I-I-I did not know that. I...

Um...

Oh, where are you going tomorrow night?

Oh, just... studying over at Avery's.

Avery, huh? What happened to Tammy?

Eh, Tammy's Tammy, but Avery is Avery,

and Tammy could never be Avery, but if Avery wanted,

she could easily be Tammy like nine times over.

Okay, why would Avery want to be Tammy?

No, dad, no one wants to be Tammy, except Whitney.

Eh.

So, Allison was all like, "we got to lock her down!"

And I was like, "no, we got to give her some freedom."

There is no way it went down like that.

She's right.

Look, I-I did give Molly the car, but it is killing me.

Oh, don't let it, Dr.Park.

Molly seems like a good kid

You're right she is.

I tell you she is going to a friend house for studying

no bigs.

Friend's house to study? Mm-hmm.

What? You don't believe that's where she's going?

Oh, no, that's every girl's dream...

To get her license so she can drive

to her friend's house to study!

She's right.

When I got my license, I drove straight from the DMV

to varsha patel's house to crush some calculus.

We were so crazy back then.

Well, I trust my daughter,

and if she says she's studying, that's where she is.

Aww, that is so sweet.

Did you see that episode of "20/20"

where that girl borrowed a car and got abducted?

Yes.

Or that "nightline"

where the little 15-year-old girl

gets all mixed up in some crazy stuff on craigslist?

Yes!

Or literally any episode

of "law & order: Svu"?

Yes!

Wait, guys, I know that there are some disturbing