Doctor Odyssey

Last night...

Eric Colby went overboard.

I know we're all far from our home cities,

but here on The Odyssey, you are never alone.

-It led me to reevaluate my life,

and it inspired me to make a bucket list.

And the first thing on it was to see the world,

and that's why I took this job.

-What else is on that bucket list?

-Bucket list item number five... -

...have a three way.

Leaner than a bear,

muscular, with some body hair.

What am I? -Okay.

D-Don't tell me. I, uh --

An otter. -Wolf.

-Ooh. -Lean and muscular is the key.

Wolf. Damn it.

Ah, you're doing great.

Not great enough.

Tomorrow this ship gets commandeered

by several hundred gay men.

And whoever comes aboard this ship,

I better know the language. Next card.

Ah, so...this is what Max is.

-What? -Easy one.

Daddy. -What? No.

-Ding, ding, ding. -No. I am not a daddy.

-What do you think you are, then, Max?

-I don't know, a jock? Is that a thing?

-Oh, it's a thing. I'm just not sure it's a you thing.

You know what I mean? -Oh, well, excuse me.

What are you cool kids, then?

-Uh, masc. -Femme.

-Twink? -Twunk.

Silver fox.

Relax. Daddies are in.

They're having a moment, as the kids say.

-Cap's little brother is a daddy.

-Yeah. You're all gonna meet Craig tomorrow.

He and his new beau are coming aboard.

-Oh, the lifelong bachelor has finally met someone, huh?

That's the word on the waves.

I am so damn proud of him.

God, what that guy has been through.

I mean, against all odds, he's --

My little Craig has landed on his feet,

sober 15 years and happily partnered.

And who knows what's next?

The pitter-patter of little feet?

All right, back to business.

Less than 12 hours before we embark.

Okay, Cap, for all the marbles,

Define Mother.

Mother --

a queen who has style and grace and elegance

and serves the house down boots, Mama.

Let's go, baby!

Yeah. That's right.

You heard it here. -He's a killer.

You heard it here.

Hey.

-Is this what it's always like for you?

All the staring and winking.

It feels very -- -Invasive.

-Amazing. I was gonna say amazing.

-Hello. -Hi, there. Welcome to Gay Week.

-POV -- you're having your first drink on The Odyssey.

It's giving cruising.

-Oh, it is giving cruising, all right.

Ahoy, Daddy!

-Oh, did you hear what he just called you?

-Mnh-mnh. -Mm, da-da-da-da-da-

da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-daddy.

Nope.

-Why don't we do this every week?

Honk, honk, mother tuckers.

Marsha D'Penguins is here.

Charmed. Oh.

Ahoy, Capitán. Ooh!

Look at you, serving all this Naval realness.

- Marsha, my God.

Don't you look stunning.

Oh, but, listen, um, could you keep it down? Not so loud.

Not so loud?

Baby, loud and proud is the only way I roll, okay, girl?

Yes! Yes.

I get it. But listen,

I booked you as a surprise for my brother.

You're his favorite queen.

So if you could just keep it down a little bit

until the show tonight, on the down low.

Okay. I get it. Quiet.

Discreet. -Yeah.

-Kind of reminds me of high school.

All right, I got you, bro.

-Okay. Thank you. -Of course.

Wow.

Thank you.

-Two Massey boys under one roof.

That must have been an epic sibling rivalry.

-Well, actually, it wasn't like that.

You know, Craig is 10 years my junior.

Our mom wasn't around, and I -- My dad worked nights,

so I basically ended up raising the kid on my own.

Wow, that's tough.

-It was tough. Kid was a pain in the ass.

But, you know, somehow, through it all,

and quite by accident, we became best friends.

I introduced him to Schwarzenegger.

He introduced me to Streisand.

I wanted to give him my old G.I. Joes. He wanted Barbies.

You know, after a while, Max, I just --

I said what the hell. Go with the flow, man.

-I guess it's all just shiny plastic at the end of the day.

That it is.

A gay cruise?

No, no, no, no, let me pull up the booking.

This is not right.

-You know, I thought there seemed

to be an unusually high concentration of mustaches.

-Uh-huh. Right here on the website.

"Splash, a playful week for those expecting."

See? "Love and acceptance,

fun in the sun, and buns, buns, buns."

Expecting, bun.

-It's actually one sentence -- "a playful week

for those expecting love and acceptance,

fun in the sun, and --"

Buns, buns, buns! Whoo!

-Okay, but the events on the itinerary

are clearly for parents.

Uh, a daddies-only cardio class?

-Yeah, this yoga class is called Werk, Mama.

-Yeah, no, it's pronounced, "work, muh-Maw."

I am so sorry for the confusion.

You're, of course, welcome to stay,

or I'm happy to offer you a refund.

-I think, honestly, this just isn't for us.

Kacey, babe --

-Don't tell me you want to stay.

-In less than a month, our lives will belong to her.

And I can't wait for that day,

but this vacation will be the last child-free experience

that we get for the next 18 years.

The next time that we'll have this kind of freedom,

it'll be...2042.

We will stay.

But we want an upgrade, a-a suite with a...balcony.

I don't want to go full Karen,

but as the only pregnant person on this ship, we need it.

-Yes, the views are very important,

for pregnancy reasons.

Let me see what I can do.

Skipper.

Oh, my God. Look who's here.

What? Call security. Who let these beggars in here?

-Yeah, like they're gonna take orders

from your sorry hillbilly ass.

-Oh, my. -When's the mutiny?

Oh, well, any day now.

Happy to see you, Robby.

You, too, Craig. Welcome.

Oh, this is Avery, our nurse practitioner.

-How are you? Hi. -Hi.

-And you must be the famous Brian.

Ah, almost famous.

Brave man.

It's a hell of a job taking care of this one.

-And a thankless one, but somebody's got to do it.

Better you than me.

I'm honored to meet my brother's better half

and clearly his better-looking half.

Ha. Well, not quite half.

Hello, boys.

Hi. I know we're excited, but look what we forgot in the taxi.

-Traveling with an assistant? That's awesome.

-What would I do without you? -Mm.

-You would burn like a sun-dried tomato.

SPF. I want it on before we hit the pool deck.

Both of you. Hi.

-Riley is, uh, not our assistant.

He's our third.

- Nice to meet you.

Welcome, welcome.

The more, the merrier.

Apparently.

He's our little rebel.

Oh, I read in Conde Nast

there's a seafood buffet that has five stars.

That's got to be a mistake, right?

The only thing that has five stars

is the Costco food court.

-Well, the lobster tails are this way.

And I'll let you make up your own mind

about how they stack up against those famous hot dogs.

-Oh, good. You're here. I just wanted to double check.