Heretic

I heard Magnum condoms are basically

the same size as regular condoms.

Mmm-mmm.

Which makes you think, like,

what else do we believe just because of marketing?

Like, if you grew up being told

the Book of Mormon is fake,

you'd probably believe it was fake 'cause

that's what you were told.

No, Magnums are huge.

My sister said her ex-husband had a scary big peen,

like, frighteningly big, and they had to wear Magnums.

Sounds made up.

Elephant trunk.

Yup. That's what she would call it.

I was watching this video,

I'm not sure where I saw it.

It was these two people having intercourse,

um, sexual intercourse,

sex, and, uh, and a cameraman filming them.

Like an amateur porno... nography type thing?

Um, and the girl in the video was moaning loudly,

as in typical, I assume, in that kind of video.

Just screaming.

And then, all of a sudden,

off camera, in the hallway,

you hear this lady yell, through the wall,

"We can hear you!"

And the couple stop sex-ing.

And the look of embarrassment and horror on their faces

was so painful.

And the porno-girl who's, like,

taking it from behind-ish, says something defiant, like,

"Good!" under her breath,

but you can literally see her soul

being sucked out of her body, right then and there.

All of her dignity gone,

as if realizing for the first time, like,

"Wow, this is my life,

"I'm f-ing a stranger on camera for money."

And I just thought,

"Like, wow, that is really poignant."

Because, like, in that moment,

I was like, "Yeah."

God's real.

We have souls.

It's divine confirmation.

Do you watch a lot of...

No! I do not! No.

-I do not watch porno-ography. -Okay, okay.

No.

-It's okay. -No! I said no!

-I'm not! -Mmm-hmm. I know.

-Not a pornography watcher. -Okay. Okay.

Oh, I hope this goes well.

I know it's not a competition,

but I haven't baptized a single investigator

on my mission yet.

It's okay, I've only converted,

-like, eight or nine people. -Eight or nine?

Balls.

Anyway, what do you think about what I was saying?

The porno thing?

Like...

How has God shown you that the church is true?

I don't know. I guess I haven't really...

I haven't really thought about it.

But you know it's true.

If ye receive no witness

until after the trial of your faith...

If ye receive no witness...

Who do we have...

after this couple again?

I think we have the bald guy we met at Costco.

Okay. Oh, yeah.

Okay, for every flight of stairs...

-Yeah? -...our husband

gets five times hotter.

Hi, good afternoon, ma'am. My name is Sister Barnes,

and this is my companion, Sister Paxton.

Are you interested in learning

about our savior, Jesus Christ?

Okay.

-Hi! -Good afternoon.

-Hi, are you interest... -My name is, uh,

Sister Barnes, and...

You ever feel like when you sing,

it's, like, too high or too low?

I don't really like to sing.

I think you have a beautiful voice.

I know I don't have a beautiful voice, but...

No, you do. You do.

I enjoy it.

Oh, my gosh. I already love these girls.

Hey...

Sorry!

Sorry! Can we get a pic?

Oh, of course!

Uh, here.

-Is it true? -Is what true?

-Do you wear magic underwear? -What?

Oh, my gosh! Come on, let's go.

This is it.

People think we're weird.

What do you mean?

I don't know. That South Park musical

kind of makes fun of us.

I listened to some of the songs,

and they're actually pretty funny.

Anyway, who... who cares what people think?

You're awesome.

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Sister Paxton. Hi.

Hello, I'm Sister Paxton. This is my companion,

Sister Barnes.

God chooses prophets,

such as Adam,

Noah, Abraham and Moses.

The prophets teach about God and receive revelation.

All right.

Let's get you a baptism.

Okay.

Ah!

Good afternoon.

-Hi. -Good afternoon.

-Hi. -Good afternoon.

I'm Sister Paxton, and this is my companion, Sister Barnes.

Um, are you Mr. Reed?

I am. Hello to you.

-Hello. Wait. -Hi.

You are Paxton, you are Barnes.

-Barnes? -Um, no. I'm...

-Paxton, Barnes. -Barnes, yes.

-Paxton, Barnes. -Yeah.

Mr. Reed, it's so nice to meet you, finally.

We were just in the area, and we wanted to stop by

because you mentioned you might be interested

in learning more about the Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter-day Saints?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Reed, we would like to give you this booklet,

as it will help you understand the restoration.

I... I actually have one already,

but, um, you can never have too many.

It... it tells you all the ways

the Heavenly Father can reveal His gospel.

-As a part of His plan... -Thank you.

...God chooses prophets,

such as Adam, Noah, Abraham and Moses.

-Uh, prophets... -Yeah, well, talking of Noah...

...it is very, very wet.

...teach about God and receive revelation,

and they interpret the word of God, and preach

the gospel to the world, and because of Apostasy...

Would you like to come inside?

...people lose knowledge of the gospel.

Do you have a girl roommate?

A girl, who?

A... a roommate?

We can't come inside unless another woman is present

but, um, we can, uh, stay out here

in the doorway, if that's fine with you?

It's just for safety. We don't mind the rain.

Well, my wife is home. Does that count?

-Yeah! -Perfect.

When you said "roommate," I panicked. I...

I haven't had a roommate since, uh...

Anyway, I... I have a soulmate and that is good enough?

-Yes! -That's great!

We'd love to come in and meet your wife.

Then come on in! Great!

-Do you like pie? -Yeah!

My wife has pie in the oven.

I've gained so much weight on my mission.

People are always feeding us treats.

We never seem to turn them down.

Well, my wife loves to bake.

-May I take your coats? -Oh, yes.

I really love pie. I'm super excited.

My grandma used to make the best pie.

Okay, well, you and my wife are gonna get on very well.

-Great. -Oh, one thing,

the walls and ceilings have metal in them.

-I hope that's okay. -We don't mind.

Good!

Well, I will go and check on the snacks.

Make yourselves at home.

Thank you.

My wife is being shy.

But the pie, the pie is nigh.

She'll have to be in the room with us too.

Yes, of course! Of course, right. I understand.

Please take a seat, take a seat, take a seat.

Couple of colas. Help... help yourself.

I think...

it is good to be religious.

Well, our work here is done.

No. I just want you to know that before we start.

Yeah, I think that we would consider

that refreshing to hear.