About a Boy

[music continues playing from van]

Will: Mr. Idalis, hey, Will Freeman,

my friend Andy and I crushed the Hora at your son's wonderful

- bar mitzvah last week. - Johnny: Yeah.

You pretended to be a gay couple and then basically destroyed

the most sacred moment of my son's life.

Andy: Lovely event, sir. I gotta say, the highlight

for me had to be the chopped liver.

- That stuff was delicious. - Johnny: What... what the hell

- are you doing on my street? - Will: Okay, so I wrote this song

and I think it's super special.

And believe me, I'm not one to blow smoke up my own skirt.

Johnny: You're following me while I jog with my dog.

That is... That is so uncool.

Will: Go, go, go! Dig in!

Listen, why don't you just listen to the song,

and if you hate it, we'll get out of here, okay?

Johnny: You know...

what you're doing is so disturbing

and arguably psychotic, but the song isn't terrible.

You don't have a hook, you need a hook.

So get a hook and then maybe we'll have something

- to talk about. - Will: Oh, good!

I'll get you the sweetest hook you've ever seen!

What... what are you doing?

- Andy: Sir! - Johnny: What?

Andy: I'd consider it a solid if you would hook me up

with your chopped liver guy. Is it a deli, or a caterer or...

- Will: What are you doing? - Andy: It was delicious!

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid ]

Fiona: Hello, darling, how was your day of learning then?

Marcus: Well, on a scale of great to sucked,

it sucked mightily.

Fiona: Oh, no. Here, do you want a biscuit?

Marcus: Man, Mr. Chris is the most annoying teacher

- on the planet. - Fiona: What?

Marcus: I wish he'd just teach instead of boring us

with his inane tales of travel.

Yeah, we get it, buddy, you got a passport.

Fiona: Darling, are you upset 'cause Mr. Chris

and I are dating?

Marcus: A-bup-bup-bup! Not listening.

Not listening.

Are we set up for our Paint Our Feelings Night?

Why are there three easels?

Bob: With a large brush...

let us pool that...

and then it'll mix with a liquid white...

Chris: Well, look at that.

- Fiona: It's amazing, isn't it? - Chris: Yeah, that is amazing.

You know, I studied painting with true masters at Arte Umbria

just outside of Firenze, and I gotta say

this guy's pretty good.

- For a lot less lira. - Fiona:

Marcus: Can I paint my friggin' mountaintop in peace, please?

Fiona: Marcus! Well...

now's the part where we typically share our work,

obviously with a safety net of no criticism,

just appreciation for each other's inner vision.

- So I'll share first. - Chris: All right.

Let's see here. Oh, Fiona, this is beautiful.

Fiona: I'd climb every mountain with you.

Maybe fjord every stream if you're lucky.

- Chris: I like the sound of that. - Fiona: Ooh.

Marcus: Seriously?

Chris: Well, here's my little effort.

Fiona: Chris, that's brilliant!

Marcus: The lake's a little showy.

Anyways, here's mine.

Both: Oh.

Fiona: So that's two people at the top of the mountain,

- are they? - Chris: And what's that red bush

at the base?

Marcus: One of the climbers got a little full of himself

and then he slipped and fell off the mountain,

and then he caught on fire.

Chris: So those are flames.

Honestly, I just need you to just calm down.

Andy: I got the hook.

- Listen. - Will: Here we go.

Andy: See, it's all about the rhyme, right?

Will: Yup.

Will: I'm surprised John Lennon didn't come up

- with that little gem there. - Andy: Right?

Will: Okay, please, please, give me some peace, please.

Fiona: Well, that was very rude.

In your painting you set Mr. Chris on fire, darling.

I mean maybe I should have you paint your feelings

to yourself next time.

Marcus: Oh, I'm sorry, did I just fall through

your safety net of no criticism?

Fiona: Uh, Marcus, you know I'm very fond of Mr. Chris.

And all I want is for you to make a bit of an effort

to connect with him outside of school.

Marcus: About that... I've concluded that Mr. Chris

isn't right for you and things should go back

to the way they were.

Mom, you and me, we have this perfect love bubble.

Messing with it could pop it.

Fiona: Right.

I have certain adult needs which are evocative

and quite lovely,

and I am not prepared to give them up.

Marcus: What about my needs? Don't my needs matter?

Fiona: Of course they matter, but in this particular case...

Marcus: They matter less than yours.

Fiona: Marcus, I'm not going to argue about this,

and I'm not going to stop seeing Mr. Chris.

Marcus: Well, that does not work for me.

Fiona: I'm not going to tolerate this tone.

Marcus: Well, I'm not going to tolerate Mr. Chris.

Fiona: Well, as long as you live in this house,

it is my rules.

Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who is...

Oh, not now, my mid-pubescent friend.

Marcus: Okay, look, Will, I have a situation.

Since my mother no longer respects my wishes,

I can no longer live under her roof.

Will: I'm sensing a lot of anger.

What... Uh, pillow/duffel combo

is concerning me a little here.

- Marcus: Move it, Andy. - Andy: He just elbowed me.

Marcus: I'm moving in, Will. Sometimes an almost-man

has to do what an almost-man has to do.

Will: Marcus, this is not th...

Marcus: So you gonna make up the couch

or are we sleeping together? And do you have a towel?

Because I'm a bit of a sleep-sweater.

I tend to sweat the bed.

Will: Hey, Fiona, you need to come get Marcus

back immediately. Fiona, hey!

Out. Snap out. Done.

- Come on. - Fiona: Look, I'm torn.

That's why I'm out here meditating...

I'm trying to seek guidance from my spirit animal.

Will: It isn't that raccoon that's been digging around

my trash, is it?

Fiona: Part of me wants to just gather up my little baby

and bring him back to his womb home immediately.

But there's another part of me that is wondering whether

the awakening man inside the boy doesn't need to

just stretch and test his boundaries a bit.

Will: Okay, that's all well and good,

but you need to get your awakening man-boy

out of my womb home.

Hom... Home.

Get your kid out of my house.

- Fiona: Oh, we've decided. - Will: We've decided what?

- Fiona: Wait. -

Yes.

Yes. Oh, namaste, spirit, namaste.

Raven says Marcus should make his own way home.

Will: You know, my womb home is being affected here.

I believe my voodoo animal should have a vote, huh?

Fiona: It's only gonna be for one night.

- He will miss me. - Will: One night.

Just got boned by a raven.

Alright, Marcus, what's going on here?

Marcus: What's going on here is Mr. Chris.

He's already destroyed my school life and now

he's threatening to ruin my home life.

Ugh! If I were a violent man I'd...

I'd take a swing at this pillow.

Will: I appreciate you not raging against my Euro sham,

but there's some ground rules while you're here

for this very brief stay.

I need you to basically not talk so I can write a silky hook

that is eluding the crap out of me.

Here we go.

Marcus: You won't even know I'm here, roomie.

Will: Please call me Will when you're not talking.

Marcus: I'm going to go upstairs because if I don't get a good

soak in at night, I am basically useless in the morning.

Will: Okay, I got some lyrics, I got some music.

Let's bring it home.

Marcus: Uh, hey, roomie, sorry to interrupt your hook,

but I don't know where the bathtub is.

Will: I don't have a bathtub.

- You can take a shower. - Marcus: Oh, shower.

- Will: Mm-hmm. - Marcus: Yeah, I can rock

a shower.

Will: Okay, come on, come on now.

Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.