Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich

[PETER SIVO BAND'S "LET THE DEVIL POUR THE WINE" PLAYS]

# Every kiss I get is stolen

# From your wife, who waits for you #

# And the fire you bring me in your arms #

# Is gone by the morning dew

# Though I have no right to hold you #

# I'm too weak to say... #

How many is that now?

You need to call him a taxi.

I'm not trying to be mean.

It's that old guy again.

- Should you let the manager know? - The guy hasn't done anything.

That's how it is with creeps, right up until the day that they decide to do something.

- He's probably harmless. - Nobody's harmless...

...especially a male, nobody.

Excuse me. Can I sit down?

You're allowed to sit wherever you'd like.

- Thank you. - What would you like to drink?

A soda water...

...with lemon.

Please cut it in half.

- That's $1. - Thank you.

Here.

Have anything smaller than that?

All my bills are that size.

I'll get you your change.

During my prior visits to this establishment...

...you were tending the bar. Do you really enjoy that work?

When the customers are respectful, I do.

Mm.

But, uh...

...you have ambitions, don't you?

That's not any of your business.

Perhaps I'm mistaken...

...I am from Europe and do not know all of these local customs...

...but I thought that the primary responsibility of a bartender...

...is to serve and engage the customers in a conversation.

Is companionship something that you offer?

Make one more insinuation, and I'll have you thrown out.

Cheers.

So, where are you from in Europe?

I'm from France.

My father is French, and my mother is German.

But I lived in many places.

Well, I don't know how things are back there, but in this country...

...people don't wear hats when they sit down someplace to have a drink.

So, you want me to take my hat off?

I'm letting you know the customs, since you're such a respectful guy.

Tell me something.

Are you an acquaintance of hers?

Bartender? The man here wants to know if we're acquainted.

Disgusting homosexuals.

Mind if I turn it down a bit?

Too loud?

No. I just want to talk about something.

- - What's on your mind?

Well... what we talked about last week.

Having a baby?

Yeah. I think...

...I think now would be the perfect time.

- Me too. -

- Did you hear that? - It came from the back.

- -

Harrow, come take a look at this.

Maybe like a... a raccoon, when it stands on its hind legs...

...begging for scraps?

I'll call it in.

Get ready for something different.

Freeze!

- -

Hello, Dad.

- You letting yourself go? - What?

- That stain on your face. - Oh. I'm, um...

...working on a beard. Thought I'd try a new look.

Well, you might want to remove some of that jewelry you got on. It's dated.

Oh.

I do not remember putting that on.

Eddy!

- Mom. - Oh! How are you?

- I'm fine. I'm fine. - That's good.

- Yeah. - You look well.

- Don't patronize him. - I'm not.

Divorce can be very hard to go through, and I think you look very well...

...especially when you consider...

I cleaned up your old room. Any idea how long you intend to stay?

Uh, well, I'm gonna look for apartments when I'm off work this weekend, so...

- ...I don't think very long. - I'd like that in writing.

Oh, you are a delight.

Are you feeling sorry for yourself...

...coming in here, going through his stuff, wallowing?

Dad, if you don't want me here, just say so, but Mom invited me, okay?

You've been at your worst since I got here, and, also, your best is... not great, so...

Your lecture would have had a lot more impact if you weren't holding a doll in your hands.

- You know what? I can just go stay at... - No, no, no, no, no, no.

Your mom wants you here, it's fine by me.

- Okay. - Any of that stuff valuable?

That box has just been sitting in that closet forever.

Well, you wanna sell it on the computer, keep the cash.

No.

I don't think I'd sell any of this stuff, no.

All right. Up to you.

Home by 7:00, you can have dinner with us.

If not, we'll set something aside for you.

Thanks.

You know...

...I was disappointed when I found out you and Jennifer separated.

I really thought she'd make a good mother.

She was a real good looker, too...

...especially for a guy who...

...works in a comic-book store and draws.

I'm sure that was supposed to come out nicer.

Yeah.

Hey. That'll be $12.

- I've got $9.85. Can you do some type... - No, no, no, no, no, no. No charity, okay?

If you don't have enough, you can steal from your mommy like everybody else.

- You're a jerk-off. - Perhaps I am, yes...

...but that does not diminish the value of my advice to you.

You want me to hold these back here or put them back on the shelves?

You can hold them.

- You drawing anything new these days? - Hmm? No, not really.

You should do more Madame Lightning.

- Mm, maybe. - She's hot.

- I think you should work on something new. - Yeah, I will. I just, um...

...I've been very, uh...

Distracted.

You've been pretty distracted.

Oh, yeah, I have been.

- Eddy Easton? - Yeah?

Do you remember me?

- I'm Ashley... Ashley Summers. - Oh, my God. Mike's little sister.

- Yeah. You remember. - Oh. Wow.

I know I looked kind of different before, but...

- Are you still over there? - Mm-hmm, yeah. But it's just me now.

Mike's in the Coast Guard. I don't know if he told you.

And my parents moved to Florida, so...

- Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting you? I... - No, I... I was looking at the old thing...

...'cause, um, honestly, work was bad, and...

...the idea of having dinner with my parents right now is, uh...

You wanna join us for a walk around the block?

Oh. You're walking a cat.

Hypothetically. Yeah.

- So, what are you doing now? - I'm getting a sociology degree...

- ...and working at a record shop. - Oh, cool.

I love records. I mean, when they first came out, we called them "records..."

...before they were "vinyl" when hipster douchebags just made them to seem all retro.

Yeah.

But, honestly, I'd probably agree with any statement that contained the phrase...

"...hipster douchebags."

- Sorry. - Oh. So...

...will Rhonda get jealous if I ask you for your number?

- Yes. - Okay.

But she can deal.

Hello.

Do you want to go to the auction, hmm?

Shit!

Jesus. Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Fuck.

Shit.

Well, you definitely seem like a toy that a maniac would make.

Don't stab or hook anything.

Do you guys remember where you got that puppet for James, the, um...

...creepy one with the, uh... the skull face and the hat?

I don't. Do you?

We didn't actually buy that for James.

He found it when he was at sleepaway camp.

I would never have bought him something like that.

He really wanted to keep it, so we let him.

Where was his sleepaway camp?

Postville.

You know, this used to be better before he could fly...

- ...back when he leapt over stuff. - Why?

Because jumping hundreds of feet in the air is a logical extrapolation...

...of superhuman strength, right? Whereas flying...

...displays a flagrant disregard for the laws of physics, okay?

Unless his body was somehow magnetically opposed to the Earth...

...or somehow magnetically attracted to the sun, which is ridiculous.

- He's just too powerful if he can fly. - Yeah, but he's also bulletproof. So...

- ...what's the difference? - He's bullet-resistant.

- -

- Hey! - Hi.

Hi.

- You must be Ashley. - I am.

- And you're Markowitz? - Are you impressed?

Just don't even... don't even engage him. That's the best thing to do. Just...

- Just look over here, so... - What's this? You going somewhere?

I was actually thinking about going to that convention at the end of the month.

Cool.

Oh, my God. Do you wanna go?

Mm, to a convention celebrating a bunch of sick murders that happened 30 years ago?

Things like that exemplify absolutely everything that's wrong with our society.

- So, that's a yes? - Yeah.

- Oh, cool. Okay. I figured you'd want to. -

You okay there? - I'm sorry. I just...

...I get this really weird cough when I'm not invited to things. It's a...

- You wanna come to the convention? - No.

Oh, my God, I would love to join you two. Thank you.

That was not an official invitation, okay?