Still the King

Oh, sh...

Whoa!

Uh, Curtis, why don't you kick us off...

with a little musical inspiration.

Nice and loud now, Curtis!

Sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you like that.

Whoa! Slow down there, fella!

I don't know if that's how you greet your new minister...

around here, but I'm late for...

I just think... you do not go in there.

Would you please step back!

I want y'all to close your eyes.

Close your eyes tight now, and don't look up...

and meditate on a time that you may have hurt someone...

even if by accident.

Don't look up! Curtis, that goes for you, too!

You play it by ear.

I got this.

Sorry about the confusion there, Pastor, you gotta forgive us...

we've had a rash of fake ministers...

coming through this area pretending to be preachers.

They're robbing these little churches blind.

Wow, unbelievable.

Yeah, it is.

I used to wrestle in college.

So sorry about that, son, I got carried away.

If you want to be technical about it...

I'm the one that got carried away...

and then thrown on the ground.

Actually, I think I might have a mild concussion.

Well, I guess I'm out of a job, hah.

Say, hoss, did they happen to mention where you're stayin'?

They told me a parsonage would be available.

Oh, I knew they'd drop the ball.

That place is bein' fumigated; huge rats.

Oh, well, I guess...

I got an idea! How about you get a motel for the night?

We'll get together tomorrow for a bite and we'll get you...

settled in proper, okay?

You drive safe. Keep God in your heart.

See you around.

Well, that was easy.

So what looks good to everybody?

Well a lot of things lookin' good, honey...

but how about we start with a round of beers...

and see where it goes from there.

What do you say, Joe? A toast to new acquaintances.

Hah, no, thank you, Pastor. I'm not a big drinker.

The big man may not approve.

Plus, between you and me, alcohol makes me crazy.

Well, we all get a little crazy on the sauce.

I'm serious. I go really crazy.

Okay... let me give you a sec.

That's part of the reason I joined the seminary.

Right... Walt, I think I gotta take a leak.

I'm good.

What?

- Hang with me. - Jeez.

Listen, I'm just spitballin' here...

but what if we get him crazy drunk...

get him around some strippers and other debauchery...

take pictures of him, and then tell him we're gonna pass...

them around town if he doesn't split?

You mean blackmail.

No! We're not monsters.

I just mean, if we had some pictures...

that show him doing non-preachery stuff...

he might not want that kinda thing out there...

for everybody to see.

Right.

Hey, buddy.

All right, you guys still need more time?

How are your Long Island Iced Teas?

Oh, they're a house favorite.

I hear Long Island makes the best tea.

Then I'll try one of those, please.

All around!

Okay.

Hey, it's Onboard With Ronnie!

Turn it up.

This guy is such a moron.

Welcome back to another exciting, new edition of...

"Onboard with Ronnie,"

a show for boating enthusiasts by a boating enthusiast...

myself, Ron...

The hell happened?

Heh-heh, it looks like the power went out.

Ronnie! Why's our friggin' power out?

I gave you money, did you pay the bill?

Well, I didn't not pay it...

'sides, we're about to be flush with child support cash.

Ronnie, I asked you to stop buyin' fisherman crap...

for your kids show!

This is a lifestyle program for consenting adults.

Adults? Do you know what adults do, Ronnie?

They stay in budget and they pay their bills.

Well, this show will be cost lucrative...

the moment we get some sponsors to serve...

- Yeah, I've gotta go pay bills. - up some sponsorin' dollars!

Electricity turned back on...

and be the adult in this relationship, yet again!

You need to get onboard the sponsor ship!

You're a loser!

Say, I think these teas have some spirits in 'em.

I don't mean the holy kind, am I right?

They're delicious!

I better take this... preachin' emergency. Hello?

Your child support payment was due yesterday, Vernon.

- Who is this? - DEBBIE Very funny.

You know what, you can just bring it...

to the Child Services meeting today.

The what meeting?

DEBBIE With the social worker?

Vernon, it's all in the parenting plan.

We need to make sure you're fit to be around Charlotte.

VERNON Oh, come on now.

We don't need to involve the kid police!

30 minutes, don't be late...

unless you wanna lose your visitation rights.

Can't we just talk about this over dinner or drinks?

29 minutes, Vernon.

What's going on? Everything okay?

Debbie's pissed. I gotta go take care of this.

I need you to stay here with Joe and stick with the plan.

How am I gonna do that?

Just get the pictures we need, I'll take care of the rest.

Say, Joe...

Walt was just telling me he's really lookin' forward...

to showing you around town...

drinking lots of tea, and not going back to church.

That sort of thing.

Yeah... said all that stuff.

Cheers!

I do pay my bills, my boyfriend...

You know what? Can you just get it turned on today?

Thank you. You're late, I said 30 minutes.

Here you go, first payment.

In full, I might add.

You know, if you want this to go well...

you better start following the rules.

Only one rule I follow, Debbie.

Never drink free coffee.

Hey, don't worry so hard.

I'm not worried, I'm not the one in question here.

If this didn't go well...

it's you that doesn't get to see your daughter.

Now wait a minute, I thought I was just here...

to talk to some paper-pushin' kid cop.

Mr. Brown... mule?

Uh, yes, ma'am, call me Vernon Brown.

What happened to the mule?

Brown's just my stage name. Mules don't sell tickets.

Apparently neither does Brown.

Hi, I'm Debbie Lynn Cooke, I'm Charlotte's mother.

Right, I'm just seeing Mr. Brownmule today.

I know, I'll just sit quiet.

I just want to make sure you don't miss anything.

I've been doing this for 26 years. I don't miss thing.

Okay, okay, Miss Thing!

She wound a little tight.

Are you ready to go on a musical journey of epic proportion?

Here's the thing...

No, Party Break is still playing, so if we hurry...

we can actually...

Hi!

You brought... siblings!

Lots and lots of siblings.

Hey, kids!

Yeah... just gotta make a quick stop on the way.

It's a music theme sleep-over.

And that's when you started impersonating Elvis?

Yeah, and I would have won first place, too...

if it wasn't for this one fella, Zelvis.

Yeah, Zelvis, that was his real name, believe it or not.

A name like that is child abuse.

His parents are lucky they never came across my desk!

Okay, I know I said I would just sit quiet...

but you haven't asked him one question about parenting.

- Excuse me? - Uh-oh.

Ask him about jail, or why he's been gone for the past 15 years.

Ask him about the sheriff's daughter...

or give him a drug test at least.

I'm here to judge his moral fiber, not his past.

But, now that you have my attention...

why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

I mean, I'm not on trial here.

Is it just you and Charlotte in the house?

That's a good question.

No, but, um, that's not important.

Oh, please don't tell me you're one of those mothers...

who moves her unemployed boyfriend in...

with an impressionable child.

Child Services frowns very heavily...

on those kinds of living situations.

Well, he... he has a job... of sorts.

Is that so? Please elaborate.

He's very passionate about boats...

and so he has this boat show...

but that doesn't really bring in...

I don't... some...