Superstore

Okay, so it looks like everyone agrees

that Paul Rudd is the celebrity with the cutest butt.

So no more fighting about this, okay, guys?

So I guess we're all just pretending

that Dennis Leary doesn't exist.

- That's fine. - Next up,

we are switching over electronics

from SuperCloud to the new Zephra products.

Ah, Sand... Sandra, I am gonna have you

set up the display today.

I scouted a Best Buy and picked up

some really out there ideas.

Oh, Glenn, do you think we're ready?

We'll see.

Um, and Jonah and Justine, you get to help out tomorrow

when the rest of the shipment comes in.

Oh, I'm actually... I'm not here tomorrow.

Oh, yes, um... I forgot to take you off the schedule.

Sorry, um... uh, Sayid, um, you're gonna have to

come in a little early tomorrow to help out.

I have to come in early

because Jonah doesn't feel like working?

Yeah, and you wouldn't give me the day off

to Skype with my boyfriend.

The time difference with Ghana is so tricky.

We haven't even gotten a chance to talk yet.

I'm actually going to a meeting for Raise the Wage.

So this is really to help all of us.

You know what would help us

is if we were all sleeping with the boss.

- Mm-hmm. - Then we could

all take a day off whenever we wanted.

Well, someone would still have to work.

So who doesn't wanna sleep with Amy?

Okay, no, Tina, that's not...

Oh, really? Sayid, wow.

You'd be lucky.

Anyway, I don't give Jonah special treatment.

It's not just Jonah.

It's all your favorites.

Glenn, Garrett, Cheyenne

Oh, Amy, I'm one of your favorites?

- No. - Oh.

I mean, no, I don't have favorites.

Okay, then who here was invited to Emma's quinceañera?

Okay, no more raising hands.

I be corporate HR would love to hear

about the favoritism at this store.

- He's right, they would. - There's no favoritism.

No, guys,

there's no need to call HR, okay?

Jonah, I'm not taking you off the schedule.

So you're gonna have to find someone yourself to cover.

That's totally fair,

and I'm sure I can find somebody else to cover for me.

- Sarah? - No.

Jesus, Sarah, at least take a minute

to pretend to look at your calendar or something.

Okay. Here's the plan.

Myrtle has passed. Rest in peace.

Miss her like cray, but now I can quit the vision center

and be your new assistant.

Mateo, you know it's not as simple as that.

I can't work for Dan anymore.

Every night, he calls me from the McDonald's drive-thru

begging me to talk him out of it.

And I try, but he goes through.

And then it's just ten minutes of him

sobbing and eating and I have to forgive him

every night.

Mateo, I really could use the help right now,

but I can't hire you.

Zephra still uses E-Verify.

- This is so unfair. - I know.

Oh, my God.

I have to give Dan's wife a lift.

To Fort Wayne, Indiana?

Where is that?

Okay, no, no. Mateo, no.

That's crazy. You can't do that.

We'll figure something out. I mean,

maybe if there were some kind of way to...

Do you actually have a plan

or are you just not telling me to be mysterious

or do you have, like, no idea.

I don't know. It's just too risky.

Okay, I'm gonna pee and come back.

What the hell is all this?

Um, it's the display for the new Zephra products.

Yeah, it's also a shoplifter's paradise.

Nothing's locked down.

This phone, swipe.

This tablet, swipe.

This... I don't know what that is.

It's a digital picture frame.

It has Wi-Fi, so you can upload right from your phone.

Really? Cool.

Anyway, swipe.

Look, this is the most expensive merch in the store.

I can't have Zephra thinking

I'm running a buffet for thieves.

Right, but, um... It's actually Glenn's idea

and he's Floor Supervisor now,

so maybe I should ask him.

The only thing you need to ask Glenn

is how a man manages to make it to 60 without hitting puberty.

This is my domain, and I say take it down.

Did you also want me to ask about the puberty?

So then on your books, Mateo would still

get paid by the vision center, but he'd work with me.

And Eugene would stay on my payroll,

but he'd work with you.

But we had a good thing going here.

I mean, we were vibing. It's like...

- Yes. - But I just don't know

- anything about this guy. - I'm Eugene.

He's Eugene! He's the best!

- He's, um, uh... positive. - Mm-hmm.

And, uh...

- He is, uh... so tall. - So tall.

Hm. Eugene, could you get those boxes off

from the top shelf, and take them to the back?

Sure thing.

Hmm. Good extension.

- Nice wide stance. - Uh-huh.

The kid's good.

- I'm sold. - Good.

- Yay! - Great. Awesome.

And, um, also, you know, we should probably

keep all of this on the down low.

Just the fewer people who know, probably the better.

Of course. I mean,

I actually find shared secrets very thrilling.

Okay.

- Oh, sure. - I can cover your shift, um,

if you can do me a huge favor.

Uh, yeah, sure. Maybe. What is it?

Okay, if the cops call you,

just say that you were with Bo all night last Thursday.

Just if they call. There's, like, an 80% chance.

That's high. That's a high chance.

I'll cover your shift if you work for me next Friday.

Oh, great. Okay, great, yeah.

What's... what's going on Friday?

Oh, nothing. Just having a little thing at my place.

Oh, you're, uh... you're doing a thing.

That's... that's cool. Cool.

So yeah, I'll just, uh... I'll cover for you

while you're having your thing.

- And I'll... I'll be here. - That's how this works.

He wasn't at the ravine. He wasn't at the ravine.

He wasn't... he wasn't at the ravine.

Okay, hi, cops.

Okay, so I swiped this digital picture frame

from electronics because it'll look really cute on your desk.

Ooh. Yes, it would.

Oh, it's gonna be so nice

to have an assistant who actually helps.

Myrtle used to just cut out

pictures of horses from magazines

and tape them to my computer.

Uh, whoa, did you just say Mateo's your new assistant?

How's that possible?

I thought he couldn't work for Cloud 9.

- Um... - Well, uh...

I just found out that, um, I got a work permit.

My lawyer called me this morning.

I just haven't had time to tell anybody.

Ah Mateo, that's awesome!

But Amy, that's bung.

I mean, you say you don't play favorites,

but then you give the sweet assistant job

to your brother-in-law.

Okay, Mateo is not my brother-in-law.

He and Eric are just boyfriends.

Boyfriends?

Did he say boyfriends?

Well, I'd want the job, too.

I've been dying for a desk job.

At least give us a chance to interview for it.

- Yeah, come on. - Or maybe we should call HR

- after all. - Look, you guys,

I just... I didn't realize

that there would be so much excitement for the job,

So seeing as it's not finalized...

- I'm sorry, it's not. - Nope.

Uh, let's... let's open this up.

- Yes! - Uh, anyone can apply.

Anyone.

Okay, let's start by hearing

everybody's work experience.

You first, Justine.

Oh, okay. Well, um, I have worked here

for over three years,

and before that I was a dog groomer

So I guess you could say

I am good with hot-tempered bitches.

I'm sorry. I'm very nervous.

No, thank you, Justine, for answering the question.

Okay, Marcus, you next.