The Nanny

- Anything for the post office? - Here.

Miss Babcock's corporate tax returns

must be postmarked by the 15th

or she'll face substantial penalties.

Today's the 16th, Niles.

What's your point?

Would you mail this letter to Lenny?

You know, I can't believe you're still writing to your first-grade pen pal.

Why? Val wrote to hers for a long time

until eventually he lost his appeal.

She got tired of writing him, huh?

No. He lost his appeal.

They fried him at Leavenworth.

Here you go.

Miss Fine, this is an Easter Seal.

- Oh, they don't look. - Oh.

Something smells rotten in here.

Or dead under the house.

Or... Maggie, I love your new perfume.

She's trying to attract a guy.

Who, the Orkin Man?

Now, Brighton, be nice to your sister.

Thank God my new girlfriend doesn't smell like that.

Oh, does she fold out and thumbtack to the wall like the last one?

Well, I think it's just fabulous.

Now even you'll be married before me.

Who is this little tramp that's after your father's money?

Well, her name's Veronica.

I leave notes for her in third period,

she leaves them for me in fourth.

We've had no physical contact whatsoever.

Well, it's working for Michael and Lisa Marie.

Oh, Autumn, what are you doing?

You're throwing your life away.

And for what? That schmendrick Owen?

Oh, this isn't even my soap.

Oh, Summer, what are you doing?

Throwing your life away.

Oh, Nanny Fine.

How can you watch those soaps?

The plots are so...

What's going on?

Well, she is hopelessly in love with her business partner,

only he doesn't even know she exists.

What a loser.

Hello, Maxwell.

Maxwell!

Oh, I'm sorry, C.C. I didn't notice you there.

So what's gonna happen?

Is she going to get this guy or bash his British head in or what?

Well, he asked her to work late tonight,

and she's going to seduce him.

So we'll find out what happens tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

This is a soap.

We'll be lucky if six months from now

that coffee she's making is ready.

Oh, C.C., what are you doing Saturday night?

Oh, my cousin Gee Gee needs a transfusion,

and my blood type is the... Why?

Never mind. I just thought we could do some work,

but under the circumstances, with your cousin...

What's the rush? I mean, they gave her six months.

You know, if she were Jewish,

her last name would be Iceberg.

Oh, lookee here.

Another letter from that pen pal of yours.

Do I detect a strong, hideous cologne?

Yeah, your daughter just left.

But on the bright side, no more silverfish.

Oh, Lenny.

- Oh, stop doing that. - What?

Whenever you get a letter from Lenny,

you make that ridiculous grin.

No, I don't.

You know, you never did tell me what this Lenny chap looks like.

Oh, I have no idea.

We vowed never to exchange photographs,

which is probably why he stood by me

through my fatal attraction with Ben and Jerry.

Yes. I've seen those pictures at your mother's.

Listen, Mr. Smarty Feldman,

he who wore a plaid skirt to his high school graduation

should not throw stones.

It was a kilt.

You say potato.

Oh, no, I'm nauseous!

What, Lenny broke the no-photo rule?

No. He's coming to New York,

and he wants to meet me for dinner at the Russian Tea Room.

The Russian Tea Rooms are bad

because waiters dressed as Cossacks give you the creeps? What?

No.

I'm afraid to meet Lenny because, well...

Over the years, I might have stretched the truth a little bit.

For instance?

Oh, things.

Oh, cheer up, FloJo. Silver goes with everything.

Are you out of your mind?

What, no good?

You wouldn't believe I'm the fastest woman on Earth?

In that outfit I would.

You like?

'Cause I did kind of tell him

that I was also a little more popular than I am.

Yes, sir!

- You know... - Oh, what a great audience.

Thank you!

You know, to me...

To me nothing says debutante

like a leopard-skin cocktail dress.

What, no Oprah?

I don't do daytime.

Miss Fine, whatever possessed you to make up all these things?

What is it you're always telling the children?

Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day?

All right, what is it I'm always telling the children?

Miss Fine works too hard. We should send her to Club Med.

No. To tell the truth.

Oy, I think I told him I was on that show, too.

Oh, mayday, Fran.

Veronica stayed after school so she could meet me.

And that's it. It's over.

Oh, what happened?

Well, I wrote to her and told her I look like Brad Pitt,

and I don't.

B, you made up some cock-and-bull story

just to make yourself seem better?

I'm so surprised at you.

What? I said I was surprised at him.

I had to lie to Lenny.

A guy like that's not gonna be interested in me

without the Olympics, Letterman, and...

my career.

You told him you were a nanny?

Close.

Houston, we have a problem.

Oh, Niles,

I thought I might as well give Miss Fine a lift to the Russian Tea Room.

I'm going out anyway. Got to drop by my, uh...

My, um, attorney's.

Your attorney is nowhere near the Russian Tea Room.

Then I'll get a new one.

Same place I'll get a butler.

Admit it, sir.

You're dying to get a look at this Leonard fellow.

Oh, Niles, as usual, you are way off the mark.

Do you think he still has all his hair?

Oh, no, sir.

You're the fairest of them all.

Where is Miss Fine anyway?

Oh, she's upstairs getting all farpitzed.

What does that mean?

You know, dressed.

I thought that was farblondzhet.

No, sir, that means confused.

No, man, that's farkatke.

Well, then, what's farshimmelt?

I think that's her uncle.

Oh, Miss Fine, you look beautiful.

Oh, yeah, but I'm all farshvitzt.

Oh, what am I so afraid of anyway?

So I told Lenny that I'm a little more sophisticated

than I really am.

Oh, God. Please let that be an eyelash.

Yeah, it was.

Tell me the truth.

If you were expecting Grace Kelly,

and I showed up, you wouldn't be disappointed, right?

- Literally Grace Kelly? - Yeah.

Well, yes.

I believe you farkatked up, sir.

Oh, forget it. I'm not going.

Oh, Miss Fine, what, so for the next 20 years,

I have to hear about this wonderful man you never met?

You are going.

As a matter of fact...

You're going to take her yourself.

I'm going to take you myself...

Even though it's nowhere near your attorney.

Even though it's nowhere near my...

Anyway, you're going to meet this Lenny fellow face to face

so you can see that he is no better than I am.

- You are. - Would you please?

You are.

All right, let's go.

Wait, wait.

Oh, I know. I'll tell him I couldn't come

because Miss America could not fulfill her duties and I had to jump in.