D.O.A.

HEY!

GEEZ. BUDDY, YOU LOOK DEAD.

I WANNA SEE BROCKTON.

OR ULMER.

YEAH? WHAT ABOUT?

A MURDER.

YEAH? WHO WAS MURDERED?

I WAS.

HE LOOKS BAD, DAN.

N lCE OF YOU TO FIT IN AN APPEARANCE, CORNELL.

WE'D ABOUT GIVEN YOU UP...

YOU'D BE RIGHT.

DEAD... ON ARRIVAL.

JUST ONE MORE ON THE PILE, EH, CORNELL?

HOW MANY CORPSES NOW?

- FIVE? - SIX.

YOU KNOW, lF, UH, CECIL B. OVER THERE lS READY, I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT lT.

I'LL TRY TO PIECE TOGETHER AS BEST I CAN WHAT'S HAPPENED

OVER THE LAST 36 HOURS.

METCALF, A COLOR. HOW 'BOUT GREEN?

UH, YOUNG. RAW.

IMMATURE. SPECIFIC REFERENCE.

JOLLY GREEN GIANT.

YOU PEOPLE ARE JUNK-CULTURE GEN lUSES, AREN'T YA?

NOW, I MEAN A LITERARY REFERENCE, AND BILL COSBY'S LATEST BOOK DOESN'T COUNT.

HMM? ANYBODY?

N lCK? THE COLOR GREEN, FIRE OFF ANY SYNAPSES FOR YOU?

WHAT ABOUT SHAKESPEARE'S LINE IN ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA?

THAT'S TAYLOR AND BURTON TO THE REST OF US.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE LINE, N lCK?

"MY SALAD DAYS WHEN I WAS GREEN IN JUDGMENT."

GOOD. ANOTHER ONE.

"THE TEXT lS OLD, THE ORATOR TOO GREEN ."

- N lCK? - WHAT?

DIDN'T MEAN ANOTHER SHAKESPEARE QUOTE. I MEANT ANOTHER STUDENT.

AREN'T WE LITERAL-MINDED LATELY, HUH? A BIT LIKE A COMPUTER.

COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS HAVE A SAYING, "GARBAGE IN, GARBAGE OUT."

YEAH? WELL, ENGLISH PROFESSORS HAVE A SAYING TOO, N lCK,

"DON'T ONE-UP ME IN PUBLIC.

I HAVEN'T GRADED YOUR lNDEPENDENT PROJECT YET."

CAN WE HEAR FROM SOMEBODY ELSE?

I'M GLAD SOMEBODY CAN SLEEP IN TH lS HEAT.

MR. SLOANE, GOOD MORN lNG. DREAMING OF A WH lTE CHRISTMAS?

SORRY, PROFESSOR. PULLED AN ALL-N lGHTER.

- UH-HUH. - WHAT'S THE TOPIC?

THE COLOR GREEN AS A METAPHOR.

GOT ANY THOUGHTS? AT ALL?

ANYBODY GOT ANY THOUGHTS?

JEALOUSY. "OH, BEWARE, MY LORD, OF JEALOUSY.

LT lS THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER WH lCH DOTH MOCK THE MEAT lT FEEDS ON ."

OTHELLO. GOOD ACTING, TOO, N lCK.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE UNPLUG TH lS MAN?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

PROFESSOR?

OH . THANK YOU, MISS.

FULLER. SYDNEY FULLER. BACK ROW.

I WAS WONDERING, DO YOU TH lNK YOU COULD...

OHH . TALK ABOUT YOUR SALAD DAYS.

YOU WANT ME TO SIGN TH lS?

I CAN'T BELIEVE MYSELF, BUT, YEAH. TO SYDNEY FULLER.

TAKEN ME ALL SEMESTER TO WORK UP MY NERVE TO ASK YOU.

UH, THAT'S WITH A "Y."

S-Y...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

S-Y-D-N-E-Y. YEAH.

THAT'S THE REASON I TOOK YOUR COURSE... BECAUSE MY PARENTS,

THEY JUST TH lNK LIBERAL ARTS lS A WASTE OF TU lTION AND I...

I'VE READ ALL OF YOUR BOOKS...

SHUT UP, SYDNEY.

HAVE THOUGH. I'VE READ 'EM ALL.

- GLUTTON FOR PUN lSHMENT, HUH? - NO!

THEY'RE GREAT. I WISH YOU HADN'T HAVE STOPPED.

I DIDN'T STOP. I JUST... STALLED.

PROFESSOR CORNELL?

MY NOVEL, YOU REALLY HAVEN'T, UH...

- GRADED lT? FIN lSHED lT? - EITHER.

NEITHER.

BUT YOU SAID YOU'D HAVE lT GRADED TH lS WEEK.

YES, WELL, N lCK, TH lS HEAT'S PUT ME A LITTLE BIT BEH lND SCHEDULE.

I HAVEN'T SHOWN lT TO ANYONE ELSE.

SHOULD I FEEL PRMLEGED OR SINGLED OUT FOR PERSECUTION?

- CAN I BE HONEST? - I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU?

YOUR OPIN lON MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO ME.

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE MY PROFESSOR.

IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR BODY OF WORK.

CORPSE, CARCASS, CADAVER.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY NOVEL, I'LL DIE.

- NO, I WILL. I'LL STOP WRITING. - AH, EVEN WORSE.

I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE SEMESTER SWEATING OUT ON THAT TH lNG.

LT TOOK HUGO 16 YEARS TO WRITE LES MISERABLES.

BUT lT ONLY TAKES A COUPLE OF DAYS TO READ lT.

COME ON.

ANY COMMENT? ANYTH lNG TO TIDE ME THROUGH?

N lCE TYPING.

SOMETH lNG GO DOWN THE DRAIN? YOU KNOW SOMETH lN' I DON'T?

YEAH . YOU LOOK LIKE SH lT, HAL.

AND I SHOULD KNOW. I'M AN EXPERT ON THE SUBJECT.

HEAT GETTING TO YOU, OR JUST UP ALL N lGHT TOLLING AGAINST.

THE PUBLISHER'S DEADLINE?

NO, I WAS UP ALL N lGHT CONSULTING MY PHYSICIAN.

AH, PLAYING DOCTOR WITH ELAINE, SPEAKING OF TOO HOT.

WELL, THE AIR CONDITION lNG AT THE MED CENTER WAS WORKIN'.

SHE WAS ON CALL ALL N lGHT.

MM-HMM. HOW DO YOU DO lT IN A HOSPITAL?

FEET IN THE STIRRUPS?

WHERE ELSE? H I-HO, SILVER.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT THE WILD LIFE...

ONCE YOU BECOME A FULL PROFESSOR.

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I WONDERED HOW LONG YOU WERE GONNA KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE.

HE SAID YES, RIGHT? SO THE PROMOTION'S MINE?

ANOTHER RING UP THE LADDER.

IT'S NOT OFFICIAL YET, BUT lT WOULDN'T HURT lF YOU SHOWED UP.

AT THE ART GALLERY DEDICATION.

I'LL BE THERE, WITH BELLS ON.

YEAH, lT'LL BE YOUR LAST CHANCE TO KISS ASS BEFORE THE CHRISTMAS PARADE.

IF YOU HADN'T HELPED ME WITH THE OUTLINE AND STRUCTURE,

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BOOK CONTRACT.

I KNOW.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THE RAP FOR THAT ONE.

I'M SERIOUS.

I WANNA THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IN THE GOOD WORD.

MEET ME IN THE OFFICE.

I GOT A BOTTLE IN THE DESK. WE'LL HAVE A DRINK.

ALL RIGHT.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - OKAY.

HEY, CHUCK, YOU SPELLED "CARN lVAL" WITH AN "E"!

HEY, DEX. DEX, YOU OUGHTA SLOW DOWN IN TH lS HEAT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A Ph.D., NOT AN M.D.

YOU KNOW WHAT I AM.

I'M AN ASSISTANT PROFESSOR, MORTGAGED TO THE EYEBALLS...

WITH TWO KIDS AND A TH lRD ON THE WAY.

CONGRATULATIONS, GRAHAM. BOY OR GIRL?

WORD AROUND THE FACULTY LOUNGE lS THAT YOU RECOMMENDED.

YOUR FRIEND HAL TO THE DEAN, DEX.

I'VE BEEN HERE LONGER, I WAS NEXT IN LINE.

I DIDN'T PUT HAL'S NOVEL ON PUTNAM'S SPRING LIST, GRAHAM.

YOU KNOW ACADEMICS POLITICS AS WELL AS I DO,

"PUBLISH OR PERISH ." ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE.

I HAVE PUBLISHED.

WELL, REHASH lNG OLD CLASSROOM LECTURES.

IN OBSCURE LITERARY JOURNALS JUST DOESN'T COUNT.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PUBLISHED, DEX?

THERE'S AN lNTERESTING ARTICLE FOR ONE OF THOSE "OBSCURE JOURNALS."

YOUNG LITERARY LION PRODUCES BRIL... BRILLIANT NOVEL.

HOLD TH lS.

GETS SNAPPED UP BY SNAZZY COLLEGE.

STRONG FOLLOW-UP BRINGS FULL PROFESSORSH lP.

AND THEN THE TH lRD NOVEL THAT lS CARELESS,

AND A FOURTH THAT KIND OF STINKS.

BUT BY THEN, THE LION lS TAME AND TENURED AND NUMBER FIVE.

NEVER COMES AT ALL.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S STILL FOUR MORE THAN YOU, PAL.

LOOK, SOME OF US JUST WANNA BE TEACHERS, DEX.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY LITERARY PRETENSIONS.

WE'RE JUST FUCKING GOOD TEACHERS!

FUCKIN' ASSHOLE.

- HOW'D YOU GET TH lS IN HERE? - I DON'T KNOW.

UH, TH lS lS GAIL. UM, THE PAPERS CAME TODAY.

EVERYTH lNG SEEMS TO BE IN ORDER. I JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN 'EM.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO MOVE OUT SO QU lCKLY.

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO GET EVERYTH lNG. UM...

THERE'S SOME MAIL HERE FOR YOU AND...

CHRIST, lS lT HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?

THEY SAY RAIN'S ON THE WAY, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE lT.

UM... I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

OKAY? BYE-BYE.

UH, YEAH, H I PROFESSOR, IT'S N lCK LANG CALLING...

MM-HMM.

OH, SH lT.

lF YOU DON'T LIKE MY NOVEL, I'LL DIE. NO, I WILL.

I'LL STOP WRITING.

SHUT THAT, WILL YOU?

SH lT. WHY?

TIME OF YEAR, lSN'T lT?

HOLIDAY DEPRESSION AND ALL THAT.

AND TH lS HEAT.