Traffic Light

Guess who just gave blood because I'm better than you.

- Was it you, Kevin? - Yes, sasquatch, it was.

There are a lot of sides to kev you don't know anything about.

- Did you know that I have baby veins? - What?

Yeah. So they couldn't take it out of my arm.

They actually took it out of right here. They had to.

It's so embarrassing.

Yeah, you got some snug trousers...

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

It's quite a sacrifice.

Yeah, it was a sacrifice, which is why I stole a whole sleeve of cookies.

In your face, red cross!

Those are yours.

Now I did you a favor, you can do me a favor.

- A cookie is not a favor. - Sure, it is.

Listen, the word has come down from up top

that we have to class up the magazine.

They said go down there, squeeze the dweeb,

see what sort of highbrow stuff shoots out.

- So I'm squeezing the dweeb. - No, don't actually...

- All right, all right! - What do you got?!

I got an idea. I got an idea.

There's a book festival.

Jonathan Franzen is coming down there...

He's a...

Right. Um... I heard about this thing on npr...

God, I hate it when you do that. There's a, um...

Okay, here's an idea.

Prince Harry... he's in town. Check it...

Wait a second, did you get me an interview?

No. Get yourself the interview.

You do it, you get to keep the cookie.

Which is a metaphor for your job.

Metaphor's like a simile without the word "like."

I went to ninth grade.

Hey, baby.

Babe?

Mike?

Mike?

Aw!

Good morning, sleepyhead. You up?

I guess.

Did you just get back from your run?

Five Miles with the jogging stroller.

Personal record.

Why are we whispering?

Is that 'cause Tommy's down for a nap?

Because Tommy's down for a nap.

Do you have time to do your wife a little favor?

Oh, I will make the time.

I have to be at work early all next week.

Can you take the morning shift for a couple days?

You mean the one where I have to wake him at 5:00 a.m.? That shift?

I know that it sucks, but...

If you do me a favor...

I will do you a favor.

Oh, so sex with me is a favor now, huh?

Oh, I was trying to sound fun and flirty.

It's very hard to convey nuance in whisper.

Yeah, like sarcasm in an e-mail.

Yes, like sarcasm in an e-mail.

What happened to your boobs?

Oh, it's a sports bra; They'll bounce back up in a minute.

I don't know how I'm gonna survive, man.

The... the kid wakes up at, like, 5:00 a.m.

Oh, what the hell?

I know. I mean, who gets up that early?

No, no, I just got buried under several hundred dollars' worth

of, uh, unpaid parking tickets here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when do you dodge parking tickets?

No, I don't, I don't.

I... they're not mine, they're not mine.

My car's in the shop; I'm driving Callie's.

It's, like, you would have to try to get this many parking tickets.

It's, like, a contest.

Look, anyway, guys, look, the bummer is,

is that the night shift is actually the easy shift.

Lisa just doesn't know it.

Tommy is, like, the world's greatest sleeper.

Never ceases to amaze me.

Amazing.

Really, I don't know where he gets it.

- You have no idea where he gets it? - No.

- Mike. - Mike.

- Mike. - Mr. Reilly.

Mike!

That's amazing. I'm gonna get the magic markers.

How about we mix it up and put his hand in some warm water.

I like that.

That was really funny that time, guys.

I have to break up with esma. Hm?

That's the, uh, cardio boxing instructor?

Yep. She's very fit and, as it turns out, slightly crazy.

What are you thoughts on that lamp?

I've never loved it.

You should get rid of it.

You're right.

Maybe this weekend we'll...

Or we could do it now.

Oh, yeah, well, we knew she was a total nut job.

So why didn't you guys say anything?

Are you kidding me?

We told you repeatedly.

You know, I don't want to be a broken record here,

but there is something off about that girl.

You guys talking about esma again?

Yeah, you totally got to break up with her.

Did I spill beer in my lap?

Doesn't matter.

'Cause I have an exit strategy.

Get this.

I'm allergic to her cat.

Yeah, but you're not allergic.

Right, but I've been faking sneezes for a week and a half.

- All the groundwork's been laid. - Oh...

No, no, this is really genius, this cat allergy thing.

Yeah, this is like. A new take on the whole "it's not you, it's me."

It's not you, it's your cat.

I... I don't understand.

I really thought that you could've been the one.

You're making this so hard.

Oh...

I'm gonna have to wrap this up.

My nose is running like a faucet.

- Hey. - Hey, sweetie.

So, um, I... discovered these in your car.

They're not like baseball cards, sweetie...

You don't want to collect all of them.

Oh, you're fun!

- You're just gonna... - Mm-hmm.

Sort of missing my point.

I like to do this crazy thing where I pay them.

You know, I mail them in.

And then...

So that's an overdue library book, also.

Okay, listen, I need to tell you something.

Okay, what is it?

It... it's not a big deal or anything like that,

and I should've told you already but it's just, it's hard, and...

Can we do this in a happy place?

You are $40,000 in debt?

- I have to pay for my education! - Okay.

Okay, you got $40,000 in student loans.

Yeah, there's a student loan in there.

Also a couple of what I like to call "life loans."

Life loans?

Oh, calm down. Come on. Shh...

Let the lavender do its work.

Ah...

Feels good, huh?

I can't do this here.

Look, it's not like I was out there buying shoes or anything.

Okay, there are some shoes.

But I spent my money on experiential knowledge.

I lived in India for six months.

I went to Greece with my college Professor.

- Who was your boyfriend. - See? I will never do that again.

Lesson learned.

This is not working.

Mm. You're right, honey,

- this is... much better. - Aw.

Sweetie, think of it this way.

All those things that you view as financially irresponsible

are what made me who I am today, who you love.

Well... yes, I do love who you've become.

- See? Money well spent. - Okay.

I'll give you that.

So, in a weird way, it's kind of like you owe me $40,000.

That's really awkward.

Don't worry, I'll take it out in trade.

Hi.

This is for you. Remember, lift with your knees, okay?

I know. Daddy's gonna be right there, pumpkin.

Oh, hey, you're white house, green door, right?

Amy. We're the house doing the remodel.

Oh, Mike. I put a broken toilet in your dumpster the other day.

- Hope that's okay. - Oh, totally.

Hey, you're married to that jogging lady who never stops, right?

Oh, uh, yeah... Lisa.

She's very focused, very... task-oriented.

But in a fun way.

- Well, she's missing out. - Really?

- Mm-hmm. - On what?

Well, we have this little mommy group going on,

and I think you should come by and have some coffee cake.

What are we talking, like, store-bought?

No, no, no, no... we have some serious bakers in our group.

Kim, over there, used to be a lawyer, and now she puts all that energy into coffee cake.

I think tom is gonna have some new friends.

Anyway, turns out morning shift is awesome!

I'm making points with Lisa, I'm having coffee cake

with these ladies who are hanging on my every word.

Okay, they're hanging on your every word, Mike?

- You heard me. - Yeah, I don't buy it;

- what's your angle? - I don't need an angle.

I'm the only guy there; That's my angle.

Am I saying your husband's a bad guy?

No.

Could he listen a little bit more?

- Probably. - Totally.