Kiss Me, Stupid

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

You should care

For me

'S awful nice

'S paradise

'S what I love

To see

You make

My life so glamorous

You can't blame me for feeling amorous

Now, is this a bit of terrific, hmm?

Last night, she was banging on my door for 45 minutes...

but I wouldn't let her out.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

That you should care for me

Don't worry. I'll get the mail.

I'll get it.

Uh-oh. Speaking of my mo...

I have an amazing mother.

You know, she's 85 years old, and she don't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

She don't even open them anymore.

She goes right through the label.

Oh, and drinking?

My doctor said, "Stop drinking"...

so I'm not gonna drink anymore.

I'm gonna freeze it now and eat it like a Popsicle.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

You should care

For me

2, 3, 4.

'S awful nice

'S paradise

'S what I love

To see

I guess you all know this is my last night here.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Hollywood...

and make a new picture...

me, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr...

and Joey Bishop...

called "Little Women."

But before that, I'm gonna do a TV special...

with Mr. Bing Crosby.

Now, why Bing works so hard, I'll never know.

He's got $21 million...

on him.

My dear

It's four-leaf clover time

From now on, my heart's working overtime

I don't care who you are, fat man.

You get them reindeers off my roof.

'S wonderful

'S marvelous

That you should care

For me

Good night! Good night!

See you next year!

Great, Dino. Only great.

They were rolling in the aisles.

Why didn't somebody take their dice away?

Dino.

Hmm?

Am I going to see you before you leave?

Just one last nightcap?

You got it.

I'll be in my room.

Keep your hat on.

What's her name? Mitzi?

No, no. Sylvia.

Sylvia.

This one is Mitzi.

Dino.

Hmm?

Are we going to get together tonight?

Just one for the road, huh?

It's a must.

My room later, OK?

This is beginning to look like Custer's last stand.

Like what?

Because it isn't just Sylvia and Mitzi.

There are all those other Indians.

You've got Janet in the dressing room...

Juicy Lucy up in your suite...

and those German twins...

waiting for you in the steam room.

That's the whole idea.

Now that I got everybody stashed away, I can beat it.

So you pack my stuff and put it in the car.

You're going to leave just like that,

without saying good-bye?

Damn right, because if I start saying good-bye...

to all these dames,

you'll have to carry me out of here...

what's left of me... in a cigar box...

baby.

What's the matter?

That Sinatra kid missing again?

We had a bad pileup down the highway.

You'll have to take the detour.

Where does that lead to?

You come out at Barstow, by way of Warm Springs...

Paradise Valley, and Climax.

That's the only way to go.

Fill 'er up?

Yeah. No, no. Over here.

Anything else?

No, thanks.

Hey! You forgot your green stamps!

Hi, Barney!

Deedle, deedle, deedle

Deedle, deedle, d...

No, no, Mulligan.

You've got an extra deedle in there.

It's six deedles, not seven.

Let's not monkey around with Beethoven, shall we?

Once more.

Orville.

Yes, dear?

What's the matter?

Please, dear, not now.

Mulligan, not only do you have a tin ear...

you have lead fingers.

Whoever told you to take up the piano?

You did, sir.

Well, I need the money, but what's your excuse?

It says here molto espressione...

which means with much expression...

with feeling, with heart.

From the top again.

A-natural!

Just a minute, you.

Oh, hi there, Mr. Spooner.

Don't you "hi there" me.

I know your type, sneaking around to back doors.

All right, let's have it.

Have what?

That note my wife left you.

You must think I'm blind or stupid or something.

Oh, yeah, the... sure. The note.

She wanted, uh, two quarts of milk and a dozen eggs.

A likely story.

"Two quarts of milk. One dozen eggs."

What's it all about?

I'll tell you what it's all about.

It's about, um...

buttermilk!

And she forgot to order buttermilk.

She always forgets.

She doesn't like buttermilk, but I like buttermilk.

There's nothing like buttermilk...

especially if you have a lazy colon.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, Mulligan.

Now you're leaving out a deedle.

There are six deedles, not five.

Orville!

Yes, lambchop?

Zip me up, will you, please?

Going somewhere?

Yes, and I'm late.

I don't want to keep him waiting.

Of course not. Him? Whom?

The dentist.

Oh. You got a toothache?

No. Time to have my teeth cleaned.

You just had them cleaned.

I have to go in every three months.

Dr. Sheldrake says I have very tender gums.

Oh, he does, does he?

Bye, darling.

Bye.

Where did you get those flowers?

They're from Johnnie.

I picked them myself.

Isn't he sweet?

Yes, isn't he?

Well, I'm off.

See you, Johnnie.

How old are you, Mulligan?

Fourteen... going on fifteen.

Pretty big for your age, aren't you?

That's what they tell me.

You stay away from my wife, do you hear me?

What?

Pussyfooting around behind my back!

Bringing flowers to a married woman!

Let go of me!

You ought to be horsewhipped!

And don't you ever come back here again...

you teenage wolf!

You male Lolita!

Orville!

Hey, you, Orville!

Listen to this! I think I got it. I...

Are you ready? I'm a poached egg.

You're a what?

I'm a poached egg.