Fresh Off the Boat

Mmm!

Really, Dad? Another burger?

Whoa!

You gonna take that from your own kid, Lou?

Come on, fight back. Make fun of his hands.

No, we've just been eating a lot of burgers together lately.

We formed a club, the Burger Boys.

Whenever a place has the balls to advertise

the "Best Burger in Orlando,"

it's the Burger Boys' job to put it to the test.

It's been a really fun way to hang out with two of my sons.

Food is just brain-fuel.

My girlfriend Sicily makes nutrition bars

so we can focus on what matters...

Science and holding hands.

You touch her knee yet?

Shut up!

Almost.

Thank you for scheduling this dinner so late.

I can't get out of the house while Maria's awake anymore.

Sure you can. Use the door.

No, she is just so clingy,

she has a tantrum whenever I leave the room.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

It's okay, sweetie!

Mommy's right here!

She has a shy bladder, though,

so the more you scream, the longer this'll take.

Mommy, where are you?

Honey, you have to start ignoring her.

Teach her that she doesn't get attention by yelling.

She only gets it through hard work and academic achievement.

That worked with your boys?

You ignored them and that fixed it?

Oh, they never needed it.

They're so independent, especially now.

In fact, it's freed me up for...

Hey! Eyes on me!

I am pleased to announce that I will finally

be recording an audiobook of my under-appreciated novel,

"A Case of a Knife to the Brain."

I'll be doing an R-rated version and an X-rated version.

Ooh!

You should've said all ears on you.

It's an audiobook.

"As Jennifer Hong got up to the bazooka factory rafters,

she saw a door.

Her elegant fingers grasped the knob, turned the knob,

and pulled the knob..."

Ooh! Sorry, are you recording?

Hi.

Honey, why is there a child on your leg?

I gave you perfect advice. She should be obedient by now.

Actually, your advice worked too well.

Oh, yes. My curse.

I ignored her, and she calmed down,

but then I started to miss

all that clinginess and affection.

Oh, yes. Your curse.

I guess, but right now, she's my precious little girl.

Don't you miss when your boys were this young?

No. I put in the work,

and I taught them to study hard, feed themselves,

so now I can focus on my own life again.

Speaking of which...

"And as the bazooka factory rafter door creaked open..."

Wow, your door impression is incredible.

That wasn't me. I can only do doors closing.

I haven't mastered doors opening yet.

Evan. What's wrong?

Sicily broke up with me.

Oh, my precious little boy!

Come here! It's okay!

I told you it's hard to ignore your children.

This is totally different.

This isn't a baby crying for more milk.

This is a beautiful young man,

who has been betrayed by an evil, ugly witch.

Okay. Come on, Maria.

Bye.

I'm telling you, turducken is not Thanksgiving-exclusive.

We could do it year-round.

And I'm telling you... I see "turd" on a restaurant menu?

I'm eating somewhere else.

We've got another one, boys!

Looks like Burger Barrel thinks they have

the "Best Burger in Orlando."

Those suckers don't know what they're in for.

You mean when you buy their food and talk about it?

Trent, just... Okay?

Hey, boss, think I could get in on the action this time?

Oh, sorry, Chestnut,

but this is more of a Huang-boys-only thing.

Alright. Yeah.

I guess you would have to adopt me.

Which would be crazy, right?

Right?

Whoa, no bacon bits?

I get it, saving space for the beef.

Smart.

I could learn from you.

Well, actually...

Look, I wasn't sure how to say this before,

but I was watching PBS, and there was this documentary

called "Fatal Farming."

Long story short...

God, why is this so hard?

The thing is...

I'm vegan now.

A vegan?

No.

No boss's son of mine is gonna be a stinkin' vegan!

Here I am, ready to give my left chestnut

to be a Burger Boy,

and you're gonna give a spot to this little...

leaf-muncher?!

It's disgusting!

- Whoa, you need to cool down! - Oh, I need to cool down!

I'm sorry, boss.

You never think it'll be your kid.

Sorry, just playing catch-up here,

but what's a vegan?

It's like a vegetarian, except you don't eat

any animal products, not just meat.

So no dairy, no eggs...

Wait, what about candy? Can you still eat candy?

Guys, this doesn't have to be a whole thing.

I don't need to eat burgers to be a Burger Boy.

It'll still be fun to hang out.

Emery's right.

Nothing has to change. I'm sure it'll all be fine.

Yeah, you're probably right.

It'll be totally fine,

like when my sister Tiffany stopped drinking.

Huh. I didn't know you had a sister named Tiffany.

We don't talk about her because she stopped being fun.

Do we have any Gatorade?

My new boyfriend's a lot of fun.

No, and keep it down.

Evan's had a tough day, and he's trying to sleep.

You're giving Evan too much attention.

What about the advice you gave blondie?

Jenny, you eavesdrop too much.

One day, it's gonna come back and bite you.

The last thing that tried to bite me

is waiting in the garage.

Maria is a toddler, Evan is a teenager.

It's different. Give him a day.

Tomorrow he'll be back to normal.

I got to get back.

And don't come in no matter how much I yell "help."

Mommy, I had a bad dream.

Oh, it was just your grandmother.

Shh.

Uh... sorry.

Are you sure this is okay?

Not too weird?

Not at all.

I'm loaded on vitamin B12 with all these fresh vegetables.

I'm in a great mood.

Is it just me,

or is tofu at a burger joint a real bummer?

It's like a cat at a dog show. Disrespectful.

Two Double-Barrel Burgers for you.

And a seltzer for the boy who brought in outside food.

Thanks.

Well...

Oh.

We finally found the one burger

the Hamburglar wouldn't steal.

You can tell these were frozen.

Burrrr-ger.

Boom! Got 'em!

Umm...

Are you sure you don't want to try it?

So you can see how bad it is? One bite won't kill you.

First of all, you don't know that. What if I choke?

Second, I'm serious about my veganism, Dad.

But you two should enjoy.

You know, maybe we just call it.

There's something about this place

that isn't as fun as I thought.

Oh, that reminds me.

There's this vegan restaurant, Cafe Fiona, that says

they have the Best Veggie Burger in Orlando.

Whaddaya say we put 'em in their place, huh?

Oh, wow, yeah. Cool. Can't wait.

You're not gonna like the price,

but that's what it costs to make a patty out of beans.

And bun out of beans.

And cheese out of beans.

And the parking's valet-only.

Soothes the vocal cords...

and boosts fertility?

Just do one thing well.

Oh, you're looking refreshed, how are you feeling?

Better. Spending time with you always makes me feel better, Mommy.

Great. That's solved.

My cords are soothed. It's time.

What's happening? What... What is this?