The Jim Gaffigan Show

- _ - Oh, my God.

Who was the first person to eat a potato?

Hey, this rock looks delicious. Let's eat it.

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you! That's all from me. Good night.

That was Jim Gaffigan!

Jim Gaffigan. Five kids? How do you do it?

That's a lot of hard work and sacrifice.

- Where's Jeannie? - At home,

doing the hard work and sacrifice.

Oh, good. I got here before Mitch.

I still don't understand why he's not staying here.

We live in a two-bedroom apartment with five young children.

I don't even want to stay here.

He's at the Bowery Hotel.

What, are you two on a date?

No, just having a little wine and some gentle nuzzling.

When is Mitch getting here?

Should be here any minute.

So another Gaffigan in town.

It's just what New York City needs, more people from the Midwest.

Well, we have to come here to see snobs like you in your natural habitat.

Now, you've got a lot of brothers, Jim. Is this the one that's funnier than you,

better-looking than you, or the one that's

funnier and better-looking than you?

Is Mitch in town for a conference or something?

I don't know. He texted this afternoon that he wants to hang out this weekend.

- That's strange. - Why is it strange?

You two hang out for no apparent reason.

When I'm in Chicago, Mitch and I hang out.

Now he's in New York, so we're gonna hang out.

It's strange that he's coming to town without Carol and the kids.

He just randomly shows up?

I hope everything's okay.

Would you stop?

Wait, you don't think he's getting a divorce, do you?

He's a happily married man

who's just coming to New York to hang out with the sexy Gaffigan.

I keep meaning to call Carol, but every time I call her,

she makes me feel guilty for not calling her more,

which makes me not want to call her,

which makes me feel guilty for not calling her.

- Do you know what I mean? - Wow.

You really are a devout Catholic.

That's him.

There he is!

The ugly version of me.

Ah! You're not gonna hug me, are you?

Ugh. Oh, Jesus, Jimmy!

Five flights of stairs?

You think you'd be skinnier by now.

In other parts of the country,

they got things called an elevator.

Mitch, how is the banking business?

Oh, well, I haven't jumped out a window yet.

But, you know, they keep 'em locked.

- Mmm! Jeannie, how are you? - Good to see you.

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you have to be married to him.

He is funnier than you. Hey, I'm Daniel. We met at their wedding.

Oh, yeah! Hi! I remember you. I've never seen a man cry that hard.

I'm Mitch, the sexy Gaffigan.

Mitch, it's so good to see you.

- How is Carol? - She's terrific, hon.

She'd love it if you'd give her a call sometime.

You know, she and the girls are looking at colleges this week.

- Wow. - Can you believe it?

My girls looking at colleges. Time just flies.

Well, you know, the whole family

is welcome here anytime.

I mean, you've got plenty of room, after all. I mean,

we could sleep on the fire escape, I guess.

No, I just thought Jim and I would hang solo this time.

Divorce.

You know, I could spend a few days watching him eat.

Come on! I do more than just eat.

- You do? - I do.

- Anyway, let's go get something to eat. - Let's go eat.

- Nice to see you. - You too.

Oh, no.

Oh, there's this amazing falafel place, Mamoun's.

Is the Comedy Cellar around here?

Uh, yeah, I already did a spot at Gotham,

but I think Dave's going on in a little bit, if

- you want to go. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

'Cause I definitely want to see that place.

Okay.

Hey, Dave, that bit about cell phones was hilarious.

- Thanks, Mitch. - Hey, have you ever heard

- Louis C.K.'s rant about cell phones? - Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I didn't steal that, man. See, that-that's...

that's the problem with Louis.

He's too prolific, you know? He's got bits on everything.

You know, we can never keep up. He's been making other comics

- look like crap for years. - I'm starving.

Uh, what do you want to eat, Mitch?

Remember that place Porchetta I told you about?

It's, like, how many ways can you fry a pig?

No, no, I know where I want to go,

- and I think it's up here. - Oh.

Oh, he's not here.

Who is that?

Louis C.K. This is where he eats pizza.

- Oh! - Are you serious?

That's just the opening sequence of his show.

I know! I mean, I know!

Uh, I'm a little drunk.

It was a long shot, okay?

Hey, what's, ah... what's the name of that pierogi place?

- Uh, Veselka? - Yeah! Yeah.

I heard Louis talk about that in an interview once.

Uh, can we go there? I want to go there.

Uh... yeah, yeah.

Uh, cancel that.

Ahh!

How about those pierogi, Mitch, right?

- Oh, they're good. - You know what we gotta do?

We gotta go and get ravioli at Supper.

It's right around here. This neighborhood is crazy for good food.

Hey, when are you gonna move out of that apartment anyway?

I mean, I know you're a cheap bastard, but it's ridiculous, man.

I mean, you got no space, you got no yard, up five flights of stairs

- every day to two bedrooms! - That's true. He's right, man.

You're a cheap bastard. It's five flights of stairs.

You know, I call that place the Petri dish.

Apartments in New York City are pretty expensive.

Blame Daniel. He's supposedly our real estate agent.

I can't believe you leave your wife alone with that guy.

Mitch, he's gay.

He's still a man, Jim.

Hey, excuse me. I-I think I just saw you at the Gotham Comedy Club.

- You were amazing. - Thanks.

I loved the bacon stuff.

Would you mind if I take a selfie?

- Oh, sure. - Thanks so much.

Thank you so much.

Ooh! Ooh, la-Di-da! Mr. Big-time Stand-up Comedian.

You know, I'm the one that came up with all that bacon stuff.

- Really? - What?

Yeah, when we were kids, I was the one that was obsessed with bacon.

But I turned it into jokes.

What is your ultimate goal

with all this stand-up stuff anyway, huh?

I mean, besides getting your picture taken with shut-ins?

What, are you Dad?

Actually, I was thinking of developing

a television show based around my life as a comedian in New York City.

You mean like the show "Louie."

Mitch, I realize you're kind of obsessed with Louis C.K.,

but comedians have been doing autobiographical shows forever.

"I Love Lucy," "Roseanne,"

"Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Seinfeld."

Ever heard of those? And besides,

my show would be way different than Louis' 'cause I'm a different comedian.

Different how?

Well, I'm married, and I have kids.

- I have more kids. - Well, Louis had kids first.

That's true, Jim. Louis did have kids first.

Would you two stop?

I'm not in a competition with Louis C.K.,

even though I have more kids than him.

But I'm certainly not gonna let other people

determine what I do or not do, all right?

That's why I didn't go into finance anyway.

Oh, I see how you feel.

You're the brave one because you stuck to your dreams

while I just became some boring, old banker, huh? Thanks a lot, Jim.

What are you talking about? I didn't say that at all.

You've got a great life.

You're really successful. You got a great job. You're happily married.

Wait, you're... you're not getting a divorce, are you?

Don't be ridiculous. No.

I'm quitting my job.

You should get a divorce too.

What? Quitting your job?

Did you get another offer?

No, I'm just sick of banking.

Are there people that enjoy banking?

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be a stand-up comedian.

Are... are you serious?

Mitch, you are so funny!

Okay, Jimmy, time to get up there.

- Your turn. - No, no, I don't want to.

Yeah, come on, Jimmy, it's your turn.

- Don't be such a . - Michael!

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

- Jimmy! Jimmy! - Oh, no, no, no.

If Jimmy doesn't want to, he doesn't have to.

Look, I-I know it sounds crazy,

but I've spent my whole life feeling like a comedian

trapped inside a banker's body.

And then when I saw Dave up there tonight, I just thought,

"Yeah! Go for it!"

I mean, anybody can do it.

That's true. I was on fire tonight, huh?

- You're serious? - Do you think I'm happy about

reaching this conclusion at this point in my life?

Everybody has always told me, "You should do stand-up, Mitch."

Mitch, you should do stand-up, man. You're funnier than Jim.

No offense, man. I mean, you know, lots of people are funnier than you.