Silicon Valley

Hey, could we get one more round, please?

It's on a tab... Bighetti.

- Sure. Coming up. - Cool. Thanks.

Well, well, look who's the big shot.

Yeah, big shot.

How are you guys?

Uh, everything good over at Nucleus?

Nucleus is dog shit. How do you do it, man?

You used to be the most useless guy

in the entire Nucleus team,

but now you run an entire division.

Did you ever ask yourself why?

No. No, I never have.

Do you have any skill at all

other than magically failing your way to the top?

I have a boat.

I guess that's not really a skill.

Fucking Big Head, man.

Fucking Big Head.

Take care.

Oh, hey.

Hey, you forgot your phone.

At least I think this is your...

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Right?

This is Nucleus?

Yep.

That is a beta of their entire mobile platform,

and it sucks.

Yeah. I mean, the UX is, like, Soviet-era.

When it stores photos, they actually get larger.

They never cracked middle-out.

I actually kind of wish you didn't show me this,

because now I know we totally would have beaten them.

As it is now, I mean, we can't get funded.

All of our new coders quit.

I mean, can you even imagine what would happen

if, like, a tech blog got their hands on that piece of shit?

They'd tear it apart. I mean,

it could actually totally destroy Nucleus' release.

I bet Gavin would do, shit, anything

to prevent that from happening, right?

Yeah, totally.

Jesus, Richard, am I actually ahead of you on this?

Take the phone, man.

It's yours. Take it.

Are... are you serious?

Yeah, dude. Come on, I owe you.

I mean, I was about to quit Hooli and move home.

And then Gavin promoted me just to spite you.

And now he keeps promoting me

for some inexplicable reason.

I mean, I haven't done anything, Richard... I mean, less than nothing.

Well, yeah.

But look at me now.

We're sitting on my boat, Richard,

and that's because of you.

Soon we can sail it to fucking Hawaii

or Sausalito.

Three more classes, and I get my boat license.

Oh, really? How many classes does it take?

Three. It's three classes.

I heard you can pay somebody to take the test for you,

but I just haven't got around to it yet.

Enough with your coy bullshit, Richard, okay?

I know you have my goddamn phone.

What the fuck do I have to do to get it back?

Well, I was thinking

that in exchange for my help, you...

I'm sorry, hold on.

You can't use the term "in exchange."

It implies causality. That's basically extortion.

Any actions he takes must be un-coerced

and of his own volition.

Go.

Hello. It's me again.

I was thinking that if you found your phone,

you might be so happy that you would be inclined

to drop the lawsuit.

Why would I do that?

Because if you found your phone,

that would mean that no tech bloggers

or journalists did,

and they couldn't write a scathing review

based on what was on it, as it sucks.

Who knows? It might even

cause Hooli stock to crash

or certain careers to be ruined.

Richard, are you threatening me?

Uh,

am I threatening you?

That's a good question.

Um, no.

If you don't give me my fucking phone back,

I'm gonna find you, bend you over your desk

and fuck you so hard, your front teeth...

Hold on.

You can't threaten him, especially not sexually.

This little shit could cause major damage here.

What am I allowed to say?

Richard, it's me again.

Yes.

Here's my concern.

If my phone ends up in the hands of a journalist,

Palo Alto Chief of Police Ed Gaskins,

who, apropos of nothing, happens to be a close personal friend of mine,

would have to go and ask this person where they got my phone.

Keep in mind, these aren't real journalists, Richard.

They're tech journalists.

Do you think they'd go to prison to protect their source?

I don't either.

And since this phone's OS is a stolen prototype

worth $40 to $60 million,

you're looking at felony grand theft, Richard.

You can go to jail for 40 years.

Then again, you'd probably be fine

in a full-blown hard time penitentiary.

I mean, after they waxed your rectum

and knocked out all your front teeth

just to make things easier.

You know, Gavin, if you don't want my help,

then I guess we'll just see what happens.

All right, Richard.

So what do we do here?

I don't know.

What do we do here?

Paul, are you there?

Ron?

- Hey, buddy. - Sam and Melinda there, too?

They are. They say hi.

Hey, Ron.

What up, kids?

Let me hit you back in 10

and we'll sidebar this.

Binding arbitration? What's that?

Well, it's like a trial but massively accelerated.

Next week we're gonna go in front of a retired judge

and argue our whole lawsuit in just two days, and then we're done.

So this will all be resolved next week?

I've always wanted to go to binding arbitration.

A weird thing to have always wanted to do.

Everybody who's ever sued me

has settled out of court. Pussies.

Now finally I'll be able to take the stand,

be a part of the big show.

No show. This is a serious

legal proceeding, okay?

And speaking to that, Ron Laflamme has got us a new litigator

and we are meeting him in an hour.

Um, how are we gonna pay this person?

Our guy has agreed to wave his entire fee

until our case is resolved.

Oh, it's some wet behind the ears noob straight out of law school.

No, he is said to be very experienced,

one of the best in the biz.

Then why the fuck would he take our case on spec?

Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines,

amyl nitrate, also known as poppers, at the time of my arrest?

In large quantities.

Did I have consensual intercourse

with two women under the age of 18?

Repeatedly. I admit this.

Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them

across state lines for sexual purposes?

Alleged but not proven.

And, boy, they tried. They tried.

Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.

Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?

So you can't practice law?

Not in open court in the State of California.

That's correct. But this is arbitration.

I'm really grateful for the opportunity.

I'm turning my life around.

I've served my time.

Questions?

I guess I have one at least.

Um, what does amyl nitrate do?

Oh, it dilates the anus.

That is accurate.

Also produces euphoria.

Okay, thank you, Pete and Jared.

- Sure. - Anal dilation aside,

what do you think of our case?

You think we're gonna go in there and just dick-slap

those Hooli pieces of shit?

I have reviewed your case

and it is extremely strong.

Thank God.

I do, every day of my life.

It's only by His grace that I was able to survive

that plunge into the ravine and 11 months in the state penitentiary.

I'm sorry, were you in an emotional ravine

or did you actually go into a ravine?

Both.

Now, with your approval,

I would like to move forward.

I currently am not in possession of an office

and I'm residing in a halfway house,

so I would like to give Hooli legal your home address.