Silicon Valley

Just think about it.

On Saturday, over a quarter-million people

are gonna stream through that building.

A veritable who's who of nobodies.

Richard, we've tried marketing at trade shows.

We suck at it.

No, I'm not talking about that.

Let me ask you this:

We need 120,000 phones, right?

What is the first thing

people do when they get in there?

Log on to free Wi-Fi.

But Hooli makes you download

the Hoolicon app in order to sign in.

So, what if we somehow hack our code onto the app?

Then we will have our 120,000 phones all in one day.

I'm sorry. You're... you're talking about sneaking our code

onto people's phones without them even knowing about it?

I mean, that's malware, Richard.

No. No, no, no. Think of it more as, um,

forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing.

Well, as a product of forced adoption,

I can assure you there are consequences.

- I like it. - Well, hold on.

Even if we get our code into that app and onto all those phones,

people are just gonna delete the app as soon as the conference is over.

People don't delete apps.

I'm telling you. Get your phones out right now.

Uh, Hipstamatic.

Vine, may she rest in peace.

- NipAlert? - McCain/Palin.

All right, this works in theory,

but... penetrating the Hooli servers

to hack their shitty convention app?

We'd need a black hat ninja for this one.

I wonder where we can find someone like that.

No.

It's so great to see you, Mia.

- How's Pakistan? - It's so great.

I was there for a while, and as I said before,

I have to go back there right after this

for an extended period of time.

Anyway, how's all this stuff going?

You must be, like, dying of boredom.

I am, but the terms of my plea agreement

forbid me to touch a computer or go online, so.

Let me run a hypothetical by you,

just to, like, exercise your brain.

Like, for instance, if I had to hack

the Hooli app servers, mess with an app,

and push it out over a venue's free Wi-Fi...

how would I do it?

It's a trick question, right?

Because you wouldn't hack the app server.

You'd just launch a man-in-the-middle attack with Pineapples.

Google it. Speaking of...

if they even catch me talking about this,

they could send me to maximum security prison,

but I think I found a way to get online.

- No. - There's a computer in the library

that's not supervised on Sundays.

I think if I can pull library duty, I'll be able to sneak on

and track down whoever ratted me out.

I am going to destroy that motherfucker.

Not if I destroy him first.

Excuse me. What's your policy on anonymous tips?

Fuck. Wi-Fi Pineapples. It's so obvious.

Not to me.

Look, we set up a bunch of these at Hoolicon.

We position ourselves between everyone's devices and the real Wi-Fi.

So, they log onto our boxes

and our boxes log onto the real Wi-Fi?

- Exactly. - So, we show them a fake landing page,

and force everyone to download a doctored version of the Hoolicon app.

And they'll never know the difference.

No wonder Mia's in prison. She's brilliant.

- I think this might actually work. - Wrong!

It'll never work.

You don't even know what we've been talking about.

I don't need to, Richard.

The truth is, we've tried and tried.

Every time we've gotten a whiff of success,

a giant pelican by the name of Fate

takes a four-and-a-half-pound shit right on top of us.

There are people who are destined for greatness and people who are not.

Richard, it seems you and I... are not.

And so, I've had enough.

I'm ending it all tonight.

Suicide? I have a book for you.

No, Gilf. Last night, when I was sitting out there

by the smoldering husk of my palapa,

- so cruelly taken away from me... - You burned it down yourself.

which led me to my epiphany.

This epiphany.

"Greetings from Tibet. If you find yourself in Qamdo prefecture,

do drop in. Gavin Belson."

That was addressed to me.

No, that was addressed to "Richard Hendricks and company."

Company, of which I am a part.

You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet?

You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?

That's where you come in, my great friends.

I figured we might pass the hat?

Just give whatever you are comfortable with.

I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart.

Thank you, young Jinathon.

- Business class? - Premium economy.

You fly one way.

Don't you need a visa to go to China?

Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing.

He's very corrupt.

That sounded... ominous,

but, gents, it's as I was saying:

Where there's a will, there's a way...

just not for you guys.

No, I will not help you on this mission.

No?

Richard, we always said we didn't want to end up like Hooli.

How are we like Hooli?

We are trying to give free Internet to the entire world.

If we have to bend a few rules here and there...

I mean, it's all for the greater good, is it not?

Gavin Belson started out with lofty goals too,

but he just kept excusing immoral behavior just like this,

until one day all that was left was a sad man with funny shoes...

disgraced, friendless, and engorged with the blood of a youthful charlatan.

I am never going to be...

any of that.

Richard, not that long ago,

you agonized over using a stolen log-in

to get into a bake-off with Endframe,

a company that stole from us.

But now you're, what, shrugging off

large-scale cybercrimes against innocent civilians?

It's a means to an end. It's not who I am.

I mean, Lincoln had to suspend habeas corpus to end the war,

- but he restored it after. - Lincoln?

Richard, it's not that easy.

There's always a next time and a next time and a next time.

I cannot knowingly contribute to your moral decay.

Well, what if you didn't do it... knowingly?

You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood

pretending that everything going on around you was okay.

- Uncle Jerry's game. - Yeah, that.

Let's play Uncle Jerry's game.

Do you know what you're asking?

Okay, guys, how we looking?

- One second. - Almost done.

All 12 Pineapples tested and packed.

Jared, you can come in now.

All right, all of our swag is in the car,

and I look forward to a successful promotion

of our legitimate space-saving app.

Yup, that's what this is.

Whatever.

Well, now, gentlemen, this is it. Goodbye.

Obviously, I don't care to make a big deal out of it,

so I think it's sufficient just to go around

and each of you say a memory or two

of times where I've profoundly impacted your life.

It doesn't have to be a profound impact.

We're leaving now.

- What? - International flight.

Four hours early.

No, international flights are three hours early.

It's a new rule.

Gentlemen.

Okay, let's have some fun.

First hurdle down. We're past security.

That made me nervous, sneaking all that shit in.

Why? We're bringing tech to a tech convention.

When did Pied Piper get added to the vendor list?

Oh.

That looks like us.

Oh no, that can't be.

No. This is not what I was promised.

- What? It's fine. - But they told me

that we would have prominent placement

with proximity to high-traffic corridor.

We're in the middle of the road here.

- So? - Yeah, who gives a fuck?

Well, Jared does, and... and we do as well.

Uh, you know what? Why don't you go check out

what the bathroom situation's like?

- Yes. Nothing would make me happier. - Good.

You know, I actually believe him.

Okay.

So, gentlemen,

okay, while Jared's gone, let's get our bearings.

All right, so, we are here.

Now, you guys deploy the Pineapples.

Start with high-traffic areas, so that means entrances.

People are setting up equipment everywhere,

so it shouldn't look that unusual,

but be careful, don't get caught,

- and remember why we are here. - Richard?

Whoa. Winnie.

- Hey. - Hello. Hi.

Yeah. Oh.