Dead Pixels

And then softly, softly...

..softly...

CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES

Fuck!

MUFFLED SCREAMS

This fucking mission is impossible!

Why?! SHE CHUCKLES

Why?! WHY?!

It's really difficult, isn't it?

Russell, it's an act of outright fucking sadism.

Every time the same - just repetitive, relentless,

merciless drudgery.

I appreciate that sounds fun, but it isn't!

It just isn't. That's it. It's USB time.

No, Usman, don't do it!

Meg...I told myself every time you fail the mission, you get it again.

WIRE WHIPS, HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I do it?

Do you think I should go to the doctor's?

No, Meg, no doctors.

Right, first positions. We go again.

DRUM ROLL

WHIPPING, USMAN SCREAMS

So, Alison, I don't want to make a big thing of this, but, um...

..I want you to have all of my tights and my trainers

if anything happens to me,

because...basically, I'm pretty sure I've got Parkinson's disease.

OK... Is this to do with the mission, Meg?

Failing the mission was my first symptom of Parkinson's, yeah.

Right, I see. Losing control of my hands,

loss of fine motor skills... DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

..it...it explains everything.

I'm so sorry. Have you told her, Meg?

I've told her about me, yes, Nicky.

HE SIGHS

OK...

Alison...

And this is going to be tough for you to hear.

..we think we may have Parkinson's.

You don't have Parkinson's, Nicky.

If anything, I've got more Parkinson's than you!

I'd love to have your level of Parkinson's. Please!

Puh-lease!

You've probably just got, like, very mild MS.

I don't think either of you have Parkinson's.

I think perhaps you're a little bit stressed

and you've just come across a level that you can't do.

THEY SCOFF AND LAUGH

Wh...?! Sorry, hang on.

Um, Alison, which do you think is more likely -

that I'm unable to complete a side mission on a game that I've

been playing on and off for about, what, 14 years? 14! 1-4.

Or that I've got a disease that

affects as many as one in 800 people?

Face it, Alison, I'm Parkinson's as fuck.

Not quite as Parkinson's as me.

Yeah, but I've got a relationship to maintain.

You don't have a relationship, Nicky.

I'm in a wordless relationship that's based on consensual waving.

Uh, with a girl who pulled your guts out from your anus.

It's an off-beat modern romance, Meg.

Sorry you find that so challenging.

OK. Well, a little bit of housekeeping.

Uh... There is a man coming round tomorrow to service the boiler.

Whoa! Hang on... What?! There's a man coming round?

What kind of man? A tradesman?

A tradesman, Meg, yes.

You just need to let him in.

Let him in?! What's next, Alison - give him a bath, trim his nails?

This really isn't a good time for us, Alison.

We've got a mission, we've got weekly challenges.

We've got Parkinson's.

You just need to let him in, make him a cup of tea.

It's not a big deal.

Make him a cup of tea?!

I'm not fucking making him a cup of tea, Alison!

What is he, a little bird that needs looking after?

Should I chew up some worms and spit them in his mouth?

I don't think that would be appropriate, Meg, no.

He's going to want to show us what he's done.

Oh, my God, he's going to make us LOOK at what he's done!

"Ooh, look at this! Look at that! I gave it a bevelled edge!"

He's going to want a compliment. Men are so fucking needy.

Thirsty for compliments, thirsty for tea. Men are so fucking thirsty!

I think I need to go and lie down.

All this stress has given me a Parkinson's flare-up.

Yeah, yeah, same.

Thanks for the Parkinson's flare-up, Alison.

ALARM BLARES, CREATURE ROARS

LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

Bullshit! Fucking bollocks! Shitty stealth mechanic piece of shit!

Maybe we just need to look at a walk-through on YouTube.

Oh, is that who we are now, Russell - those people?!

Maybe we could invite some real men over to chop off our sausages

while they fuck our wives.

Goddamn!

CRASHING, USMAN GROANS Usman?

HE SIGHS AND BREATHES DEEPLY

It's OK. I'm fine.

I'm just building some flat-pack furniture

and a karate chopped a deep shelf.

At couple's therapy, I agreed to do more acts of love labours

for my wife, but then I got waylaid with the mission,

so now I've got 16 acts of attentive care to do by Monday

or I fail my fucking marriage.

This is like fucking Groundhog Day!

What's that, then? Groundhog Day?

The film. Oh, I don't really like films.

What do you mean, you don't really like films?

I don't know. They've just never really made one that's grabbed me.

Films? You've seen films?

I've seen eight films...

Ghost, Heat, Jaws,

Rocky, Cool Runnings...

..the Hungry Games and the Seabiscuits.

Annette tried to put one on last night,

so I just pretended I was asleep.

Annette? Oh, I've met someone.

Yeah, it's a proper world-wind romance.

She's my Uber driver.

Your Uber driver?

My mum kicked me out and I needed a place to stay, so I put in

my mate's address, but then she picked me up and we got talking,

and she must have really liked me cos she ended up just driving me

straight back to her house.

That was four days ago.

Russell...have you been abducted?

No, nothing like that.

Is it?

And she makes me dinner with a pudding every night.

And the sex...

..well, it's a lot.

It's a lot more than you'd think.

How old is she, Russell?

Oh, not that old.

Like, 30 or 40 or 50. Something like that.

OK, Russell, sounds like what you've got there is a sex mum.

A sex mum? A sex mum, yeah.

It does sound like you've got what we in American would call a sex mom.

DOOR BUZZER

DEFCON 1. That's the tradesman. Go on, then. Why should I go?

Because, you've got more in common with men than I do.

You share, like, 60% of your DNA with men.

Men are my natural predators.

It's like you're making a shrew answer the door to an owl.

What am I, then, if you're a shrew?

You're a Barbary macaque. An owl has no interest in a Barbary macaque.

They're not even part of the same ecosystem.

PERSISTENT BUZZING

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Curse my deep psychological need to appease male authority figures.

Remember, tradesmen are like hedgehogs -

the more liquid you give them, the more they come to expect.

In fact, hide the kettle. Good, good, good, good, good, good.

Remember your conversation stoppers?

"I don't know, mate. I'm just staying here for a bit.

"You'll need to talk to Alison about that."

Perfect.

Hey, I'm Greg.

For the boiler.

Right. Sorry I was late. Traffic.

Oh, sorry, mate. I don't really know about traffic.

GREG LAUGHS SOFTLY

Uh, where's your boiler?

Friend, you might as well have just asked me

for bicycling directions to the Hamburg Symphony Hall.

THEY CHUCKLE

Shall I get started, then, or...?

Uh... I don't know, mate.

I'm just staying here for a bit.

You'll need to talk to Alison about that.

DOOR SHUTS

CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES

Fuck!

My God!

I've got a list of love labours as long as my dick,

but this game just fucks me up every single time.

LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

God, Daisy's back online. Um, see you later.

Wha... What?

So you're just quitting, off to do some more sexy waving?

Uh.... Yes. Bye.

All right, here goes.

Halt. Who goes there?

Uh, hey, sorry. I was just on my way to wave at that nice girl.

Oh, bless. Looks like we've got ourselves another fanboy.

Cos if you're here to get it on with Daisy Chainsaw,

take a ticket from a ticket-dispensing machine.

Oh. Um, sorry, I didn't realise she was such a... ..big deal?

The level 110 cleric who uses double broadswords and is

a verifiably attractive female is a big deal. Isn't that strange?

It's been verified, her attractiveness?

Yes, we're all quite pathologically smitten with her.

I'll ping you her Insty.

You're lucky, she's just moving into her summer wardrobe.

Lots of pinks and lavender tones.

Sounds amazing. Aw! Did you feel you had a connection?

Well... Um, no. I mean...

..kind of.