Better Off Ted

There's Linda.

Things have been a little awkward...

since we kissed and I told her I couldn't be with her.

Actually, the kiss was a bit awkward too.

And clanky.

- Hi. - Hello.

Listen, I hope things are okay with us since we're not gonna...

you know, be together.

You mean you're not getting on the elevator?

You know what I mean. It just can't happen for us right now.

But I think you are a great person. And I know you are gonna find someone-

- Ted, this is my boyfriend, Don. - Hey.

That was fast.

It's nice to meet you, Ted.

And you're right. Linda is a great person.

Ted, we didn't go anywhere. This is the same floor.

I know. I like this one.

Lem, you ever get the feeling the ooplasm cultures are looking up at you...

worshipping you like a vengeful god?

No. Cytoplasm cultures sometimes, but never ooplasm.

Sometimes you are a complete stranger to me.

Coffee? I think there's still some of the fancy stuff...

the company got us for Christmas instead of bonuses.

You mean, got you for Christmas.

'Cause you were too scared to tell them they left you off the gift list.

Look, I don't need any coffee. I'm sorry I'm not the alpha male you are.

Ooplasm. That's crazy.

Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?

Oh, yeah. I was trying to get the stains out.

You know, soap would work, and it wouldn't kill someone if they accidentally drank it.

But soap leaves a film.

Hello?

Motion sensors, I'm motioning.

I'm motioning.

Please sense me.

Mmm.

Tastes like cinnamon, hazelnut and just a hint of hydrochloric acid.

It gets dark whenever you leave the room.

Oh, now how can I stay mad at you when you say things like that?

Who's that incredibly handsome guy with Gidget over there?

Uh, that's Don, Linda's formerly ex-, currently current boyfriend.

You're still hung up on her, aren't you?

No, I'm not. I'm the one that didn't want to get involved.

I can't, because my daughter really likes her, and Linda talks about taking off one day.

That's exactly what Rose's mom did. So I can't run the risk of that happening-

Stop. I need to be out of this conversation by tomorrow.

Oh, uh, one other thing. Lem mentioned that there's...

something weird going on with the motion sensors in the lab.

Oh, yeah. We replaced all the sensors in the building...

with a new state-of-the-art system that's gonna save money.

It works by detecting light reflected off the skin.

- Well, Lem says it doesn't work at all. - Lem's wrong.

It does work. Although there is a problem.

It doesn't seem to see black people.

- The system doesn't see black people? - I know. Weird, huh?

That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well, racist.

The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist...

because it's not targeting black people, it's just ignoring them.

They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent. "

Well, they know it has to be fixed, right?

Please? At least say they know that.

Of course they do. And they're working on it.

In the meantime, they'd like to remind everyone to celebrate the fact...

that it does see Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders and Jews.

Oh, great. She saw me looking at her.

Now she's gonna think I'm hung up on her, which I'm not.

Oh, man. She saw me doing it again.

Now I have to go over there and show her I'm cool with her and... Don.

I'm not gonna play racquetball with you. You'll win.

- Not if you distract me. - I'm not flashing you again.

That was a one-time deal because I forgot to get you a birthday present.

Oh, Ted, you remember Don, my boyfriend.

Of course. You hold a hell of an elevator door.

There's a lot more to him than that, Ted.

He's funny, smart, speaks French-

- Say something in French, Don. - Non.

Oh, that was French and funny...

in one syllable, which makes it smart.

Do you want to play racquetball with him? He'll kick your ass.

You play? Because I just got back into town and I don't have a partner.

Except in bed. Go on.

I don't want you to feel like you have to.

No. No, no. I'll play. j'adore le racquetball, Don.

So we got the children's hospital all set up and running.

I left Liberia and went to Paris.

Uh, Linda and I went there the first time we were together.

And we found this vendor who makes the most amazing chocolate crepes.

She loved 'em so much, I got the recipe so I could make 'em for her when we got back home.

It turned out Don was really a good guy. Linda was right.

He was funny and smart.

And for some reason, he could name every freshwater fish in North America.

Plus he once played miniature golf with Tiger Woods.

Good morning, Lem. You're here bright and early.

- No. I was here all night. - Really?

Sweet. You single guys. Wish I could spend all night in the lab.

I wasn't in the lab all night because I'm single.

I was stuck here because I'm black and a door wouldn't open for me.

What? Why didn't you call Security?

I did. Spoke to Lamont. Nice guy. He spent the night trapped in his kiosk.

This is ridiculous. You have to talk to Veronica.

- I'm going to. - No, I mean, you really have to.

- I'm going to. - No, you won't.

Yes, I might.

You have to stand up for yourself this time.

This isn't just delicious flavored coffee. It is your dignity we're talking about.

I have my dignity. Now will you please take me to the bathroom?

All right, I see your point.

Guess I could get a couple of the black employees and we could go talk to Veronica.

Good idea. Safety in numbers.

She is way too attractive and intimidating to face alone.

Plus, if I get enough guys, maybe she won't know which one's me.

Nothing.

We never should have let that white guy off.

We're eight black men in an elevator. Of course the white guy's gonna get off.

Veridian Dynamics.

Diversity.

just the thought of it makes these white people smile.

We believe everyone works best when they work together...

even if they'rejust standing around.

just like we enjoy varieties of foods...

we enjoy varieties of people...

even though we can't eat them.

At Veridian Dynamics, we're committed to a multiethnic workplace.

You can shake on it.

Veridian Dynamics.

Diversity. Good for us.

Hey. I had a really good time with Don last night.

Yeah, I heard. Great news.

And he is obviously crazy about you.

He's obviously crazy about you too. Good job, Ted. Everybody loves everybody.

Wait. I'm saying I like Don.

And I'm saying "fantastic. "

Doesn't sound like you're saying "fantastic. "

I mean, you're using the word but it sounds all... yelly.

Oh, is that one of Don's crepes?

Yeah. They're really, really good.

I'd love to taste it.

Sorry. That was the last bite.

This was the company's plan. We're gonna die in here.

Yeah. We'll get the last laugh next week when everyone is wondering what that smell is.

I thought you guys might need a little help.

Veronica! Oh, God, this looks way too aggressive.

No, it's okay. I think I know why you're all here.

Well, most of you.

Um, I have something prepared. Um-

"Veronica, you are a terrific boss"-

Thank you, Lem. I'll take it from here.

Let me start by apologizing on behalf of Veridian for this inexcusable situation.

I understand what you're going through.

I know what it's like to see the ugly face of discrimination.

- You do? - Yes, I do.

When I was 16, I was 5 foot 9 and stunning.

I mean, off-the-charts gorgeous.

At school, I was like a swan among ugly ducklings.

All the other girls hated me and...

like our light sensors are doing to you, totally ignored me.

If it wasn't for the modeling contracts and the comfort of college boys...

I don't know if I would have made it.

Wow. I had no idea.

No. How could you? You're still not 5 foot 9.

Thank you.

My point is, the company is committed...

to fixing this problem, and they will.

- Anything else? - Uh, uh-