Better Off Ted

Do you think I look like a possum in this shirt?

- Not in that shirt. Why? - My wife went on and on this morning...

about how this shirt makes me look like a possum.

Well- Sometimes I don't know how you put up with that woman.

Usually, I hold perfectly still until she goes away.

The company has a problem.

A recent survey found employee morale has dropped from "low," which they were okay with...

to "I'd like to burn this place down"...

which, frankly, I'm surprised was one of the options.

This is Clark. He conducted the survey.

Right now he's telling Veronica what the employees think about her...

which means right now Veronica hates Clark.

And 63% found you too intimidating.

Is there such a thing as "too intimidating"? Is there?

Answer me, you little bean counter.

I've told you three times I don't like being called that.

Oh. Sorry. I was told my evaluation was at 11:00.

We're done. It seems everyone's afraid of me...

which to me sounds like their problem, but apparently not.

The company is worried that a decrease in morale is hurting productivity.

We think it would help if you soften your image a little.

Compliment people. Be more supportive.

If people feel appreciated, then they work harder.

Veronica, I'm sure we're all gonna have to make adjustments.

- Not you. - No?

You mean, everyone likes me?

- Oh, you so desperately wanna be loved. - No, I don't.

Yes, I do. I mean, who doesn't?

Mr. Crisp, you had a near unanimous rating of"excellent. "

In fact, there were even several write-ins of"adorable. "

Oh, brother. Look out, Jesus.

Wait. Uh, near unanimous.

Does that mean a few less than unanimous or a few more?

Well, really, the only group you didn't score well with were men over 50 and lower management.

Too bad, Ted. Men over 50 and lower management loved me.

- No, they didn't. - Shut up, you little bean counter.

Huh. I don't get it. What did I do to men over 50?

Well, you're young, good-looking, successful.

Honestly, they probably just resent you.

Well, maybe I'll just have to make them get to know me.

I mean, my father's over 50, and he-

I'll wait.

You wanted to see me, boss?

Yes, employee.

As part of an effort to raise morale...

I've been told to find out what would make our workers happy.

And I thought I'd ask you since you're the smartest, most observant person...

- in the whole company. - Let me guess.

- You've also been told to compliment people. - See how smart you are?

Thank you.

But what makes you think I know how to make employees happy?

Because you're the suggestion-box lady.

Well, that's what they call you upstairs.

I've never put my name on any of my helpful but ignored ideas.

- How do they know they're from me? - Other people suggested...

that you stop hogging the suggestion box.

Oh. Okay.

Well, sitting out there in those identical cubicles, people start to feel anonymous.

There's no sense of community.

Personally, I've always felt disconnected.

Like I'm just some faceless cog in a giant dehumanizing machine.

Whoa. Slow down, Chairman Mao.

I don't need a manifesto.

I need something to make people happy.

Well, the company could start by letting us individualize our space...

you know, decorate our cubicles, put up photos and artwork.

Really? That's all it would take?

You drones are so easy.

That's not a compliment.

Good morning.

Hey, Rick, I think I've been replaced by someone who likes cats.

Yeah, my cubicle's been decorated with space stuff.

It's a very aggressive move. But by who?

Nice sweater, Lily. I support your decision to wear it.

Hi, balding guy. I love what you've done with the hair you have left.

Hello, mob. You look confused.

We were just wondering about our new and lovely cubicles.

- Well, Linda suggested- - Oh, great. I love where this is going.

that you all be allowed to decorate your workplaces to express your individuality.

The company thought it would be too risky to let people do whatever the hell they wanted.

So they have expressed your individuality for you...

in four exciting and inoffensive themes-

Green Bay Packers, cats...

space and classic cars.

Isn't that great?

Enjoy your new personalities.

Nice job, Linda.

I know.

Can you believe this place and the things they do to all of us sometimes?

Veridian Dynamics.

Teamwork. It's a beautiful thing.

In business, it means working together for a common goal.

X- rays show that when people work together, they're happier...

and less likely to do something weird.

Veridian Dynamics.

Teamwork. It keeps our employees gruntled.

What about me screams "cat lady" to you?

Maybe the way you pounce on a fella who's just trying to get a cup of coffee.

The company personalized my cubicle with all this stupid cat stuff.

What are they trying to tell me, that I'm gonna die old and alone...

with a hundred cats chewing on my decomposing body?

Well, maybe if you fed the cats once in a while...

your story would have a happier ending.

Would you just say they're wrong about me, please?

Because in spite of what my new poster says, I'm having trouble hanging in there.

Look, the company does all sorts of crazy things.

That doesn't mean we have to be crazy too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55-year-old man.

- Hey. Manny, right? I'm Ted. - I know who you are.

I have always heard so much about you.

You're practically a legend in this place.

I can't believe this is the first time we've actually met.

It's not. We've worked together on three projects before.

I meant the first time we've met outside of those three projects.

It's not. What do you want, Ted?

I wanna take you to lunch.

Screw that. Just fire me now. I won't make a scene.

- Oh, no, no. It's not like that. - Thirty years I give to this company.

Thirty years, and this is how it ends?

Uh, "A," inside voices, and "B," no one's firing you.

I just wanna get to know you and you to know me.

Hey, you can bring some friends if you like so they can, uh, know me too.

Uh, okay. How about Bill and Jeremy?

Uh, yeah. Don't you have any friends who are, you know, older?

Hey, guys.

I just want you both to know that you're doing great work.

Your specs on the robotic firefighting technology...

really blew my mind.

That's got to feel good, right? Boost your morale?

Wow. Thank you, Veronica.

Thank you, Veronica.

You're welcome.

And, Phil, I like that outfit.

That was incredible.

- I'm, like, tingly. - Our specs weren't that great.

I reject her compliment.

- Then can I have your half? - It doesn't mean anything.

She's only saying nice things because the company ordered the executives to boost our morale.

Then you shouldn't have any trouble giving up your half.

Hey, Linda. I see the company made you a cat person too.

Yeah, well, the company can go lick its ass.

I'm sorry. I just don't see myself as a cat person.

I know. Neither did I.

But then I realized that they're not saying that we're cat people.

I mean, that's insane. They're saying we're cats.

- Oh, Sheila. - Oh, I don't mean actual cats.

They're saying we share the same qualities.

Cats are quick, smart and independent, just like you, me, Debbie and Bruce.

Huh. You think I'm quick, smart and independent?

Everybody does. We've all talked about it.

Really?

I never thought of myself in cat terms...

but I do like to think I have those attributes.

Or should I say "cattributes"?

- Cattributes. Can I use that? - No. It's mine.

What's wrong with this picture?

Five steaks, one Caesar salad, low-fat dressing on the side.

I like a light lunch. Keeps me sharp for the rest of the day.

Oh, hey, look at Mr. Perfect. Mr. Stays Awake at Work.

Ted, you're so put together.

It's like you stepped out of a magazine.

Didn't you ever get a mustard stain on your shirt...

or a hooker's vomit on your pants?

Well, I-I did do one of those things when I was 12, at a baseball game.

I won't tell you which one it is, but it was the game of my life.

Look, fellas, I can have fun.

Oh, yeah? What are you drinking, iced tea?

In our day, it was okay to knock back a few at lunch.

Okay. Tell you what. I can go old school. Drinks all around.

From now on, you can call me Mr. Has a Drink at Lunch...

But Let's Not Go Overboard Because It's Still a Workday.

I know. It's long, but it makes some good points.

Hey, Linda. Have you met Debbie, Bruce and Rita?

They're also cat people.

Oh, hi. Sure. I've seen some of you around, but we've never actually met.

- Now we all have something in common.

Being surrounded by pictures of cats has made me realize how much I want one.

I hate myself for being allergic.

Oh. Hey, uh, have you guys seen that YouTube video thatJanet sent around...

with the cat that flushes the toilet?

- No. I didn't get that. - No.