M*A*S*H

Major?

Major, ma'am?

‐Major? ‐Aah!

Aah!

How dare you paw me!

I didn't paw you! I pawed your book!

‐You're going on report! ‐For what?

For uncovering an officer's leg!

Ma'am, I never touched your leg!

Your leg was naked when I came in!

How dare you say "naked" to me!

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Stop staring at my leg!

I'm not! I am!

Don't you wish you could all the time...

stare at it, and touch it, and feel it!

Oh, no, ma'am.

You don't find it attractive?

Oh, yes, ma'am. It's a beautiful leg.

‐You think so? ‐Yes.

It reminds me of my pony back home,

‐only his hair's brown. ‐Out! Get out!

Wait a minute! Come back here!

‐What do you want? ‐Oh, yeah.

There's an ambulance coming in. They want you to scrub.

‐Don't touch that! ‐Oh, gee.

Just leave this tent exactly the way you found it.

‐You got it. ‐Exactly!

‐What do we got here, Radar? ‐Road accident.

This country's a course in creative killing.

‐X‐rays here, Radar. ‐Take him to X‐ray.

Careful with him. He may have busted ribs.

What have we got here?

Come on. More X‐rays.

Right. Follow him.

Right femur here.

Looks like Saturday night at the speedway.

‐Everything under control? ‐So far.

Be careful. Watch it.

You sure know how to make a doctor crazy.

I may write you an obscene prescription.

Fracture. Ankle fractured.

Gonna check for possible skull fracture.

We got knocked off the road by a tank, Doc.

He just kept going.

A clear case of crush and run.

It was one of ours.

We were goin' up north with Colonel Chaffey,

and wham!

The tank crowds us right into an embankment.

How can Americans do that to each other?

Ever see Gone With the Wind?

I'll take care of that for him, Doc.

He gets it when he goes.

‐Radar. ‐Yo.

Colonel Chaffey's bats about that gun.

He'll get a receipt for it.

It's S. O. P., soldier.

Okay, guys, let's move him out.

Whatever you say, Commodore.

‐Sirs. ‐Look out.

MAN (on P. A.): Nurse Plummer, report to the O. R.

Nurse Plummer, please.

Nurse Gage to X‐ray.

Second post‐op shift, please report at 0500 hours.

More people hurt by vehicles

than anything else in battle. That's a fact.

Let me know if this hurts.

I almost bought it that way in World War I.

I was taking a nap on the side of a hill

when I heard a low rumbling I took to be distant artillery.

I looked up just in time to roll out of the path

of a breakaway portable latrine.

‐They didn't really have those. ‐HAWKEYE: Absolutely.

America had the first armored men's room. Right, Colonel?

You're a bigger liar than I am.

How's our colonel doing?

Broken ankle.

Reckon he'll have to rest up in the fort for a spell.

He came in totin' a six‐shooter.

Chrome, with a bone grip.

The kind we used to sign Indian treaties with.

My uncle Claude collected fancy guns.

He was cleaning them one day

when his prized piece went off.

The bullet severed his foot,

kept going across the room, and killed the cat.

They buried Tabby in one shoe box

and Uncle Claude's toe in another.

Really.

Isn't a G. I.‐issue handgun enough for these army types?

If you like packing hardware,

you're always looking for a unique weapon.

So you can play soldier while you're playing soldier.

My father wouldn't let me have any toy

that even looked like a gun.

I was miserable till I discovered dolls.

I shot a bear once... in the penny arcade.

I wanted to break through that glass and fix up his shoulder.

‐Hawk, you were a sensitive child. ‐Oh, yes.

I studied the violin till I beat up the teacher.

That hurt you yet?

I must be ready to get my license.

Attention, Major Burns. Attention, Major Houlihan.

Together again.

Majors Burns and Houlihan to the compound, please.

If you liked them in the laundry room,

you'll love them in the compound.

‐Oops. Sorry, dear. ‐It's okay, honey.

Gimme that, you nut!

Frank, you've got to set an example.

Listen. I was sound asleep,

and suddenly there's all these wounded.

I mean... It's nearly midnight.

Why can't they fight from 9:00 to 6:00?

Maybe the next war, Frank. Maybe the next.

Can you pray somewhere else, Father?

You're genuflecting right in the way.

Well, I was only offering a bit of comfort.

I'll call you when it's time for kindness.

Okay, start an I.V. Two units of plasma.

Klinger!

Come on, pal. Give me the gun.

You'll get it back, honest.

Hey, what's the ruckus here?

He won't let go of it, sir.

Oh, good for you, son.

A soldier's best friend is his gun.

You take care of it, and it'll take care of you.

‐He's unconscious, sir. ‐That's all right. He understands.

Maybe if I was, I would.

Did you call, ma'am?

First litter. Ward three.

Okay, chest, head injuries.

‐Those are your best things. ‐Oh.

‐Coming through. ‐Here.

Let me help. The gun bin's on my way.

Thank you, sir.

‐Move your can! ‐What?

Move your can, sir.

I'll remember that, doggie breath.

‐This will just take a minute, sir. ‐Oh, it's all right.

I can't start till Pierce and Hunnicutt

finish showing off in surgery.

You think you got enough keys there, Corporal?

Oh, I need 'em all, sir.

This one's to Colonel Potter's office.

This is oats for his horse.

Oh, this one's to my bike in Iowa.

Every time my sister borrows it,

uh, the chain slips.

Here we go.

What's that?

Yeah, how about that? Ain't that something?

It's a gun, sir.

A colonel's gun.

It just came in tonight.

Oh, that's an old beauty.

Yes, sir.

Man, that feels good.

Perfectly balanced.

Ya better believe it, Mister,

or you're dead where you stand.

Who's that supposed to be?

‐John Wayne. ‐John Wayne?

He doesn't sound anything like you.

No, sir.

Oh, that's a dandy piece.

Yes, sirree Bob, that's one shootin' iron.

Eh, you've, uh, better put her to bed, Corporal.

Yes, sir.

Shouldn't you be getting back to surgery, sir?

I'm sure in the dull part of the war.

How do you feel this morning, Colonel Chaffey?

Oh, about like you'd expect

after losing an argument with a tank.

We checked on your jeep.

‐Flattened? ‐B.J.: Mm‐hmm.

They're shipping it to your house

and slipping it under the door.

You're in our "lucky to be alive" department.

How about my men?

Okay, give or take a few fractures.

Are you the one that fixed me up?

I just held the ball. He did the punting.

I'd like to show you my appreciation.

Maybe you could end the war a day or two sooner.

We're not allowed to take cash.

I'll do my best.

Oh, hey, Doc, um, when I came in,

I was wearing a gun, a Colt .45.

Not to worry.

The receipt for that gun is right in here.

Oh, thanks, Doc.

I wouldn't want to lose that baby.

We think of everything.

When you're ready, we even stamp your hand,

and you get right back into battle.

‐(knocking) ‐Ah, who is it?

‐FRANK: That "Major" person. ‐Come in.