Are You Being Served?

Oh, there you are!

Good morning, ladies!

Morning.

Would you mind clearing away quickly?

I have a very important meeting at half past eight.

Oh, it's 20 to nine now!

- Yes, I know, I can't think what's keeping them.

They're not usually this late.

- Yeah well, it's symptomatic of the country today, innit?

I mean, nobody takes any pride in their work anymore.

Well, we've knocked off, come on, Ethel.

- Well, I'm glad to see that the older generation

sets such a good example by coming in early.

Yeah, well I like to get out of bed

before Mrs. Harman wakes.

She don't look her best first thing in the mornin'.

Come to think of it, she don't look so hot

last thing at night either.

Ho, I've got the tables set up for the conference, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Harman.

- Yeah, eh, are you sure you got the right date?

Oh, yes yes, quite sure.

- Ah, well perhaps they got hung up in a blitzer.

It's awful weather out there.

Yes, but you didn't get held up.

Nah!

Really it's too bad of them.

I shall get very cross in a minute.

I could tell, I can see the angry flush

rising up above your collar.

Yes, I shall demand an explanation.

Yeah, go on, you do that.

Give it to them good and strong!

- I will. - Yes.

I'm not gonna stand here like a lemon

while they amble in, one by one.

Right.

Blimey, the legion of the north!

Now you were due here at 8:30.

It is now a quarter to nine.

I would like an explanation.

- As to why I have two inches of snow on my hat?

- We've been stood standing outside in the snow

for 20 minutes because some stupid twit

didn't tell security we was coming in!

Heh, oh dear!

I'm afraid that was my fault.

- The angry flush's disappearing below your collar

just like somebody's just pulled your plug out.

Hot coffee for everyone, Mr. Harman.

Right-o, sir.

- You know, I can't feel any of my extremities,

and it's unusual for me.

- Would you mind helping me with my gloves?

All right, Mr. Grainger, here, come on.

D'you know, it's 10 degrees below?

It's not much warmer above.

Now, where is Mrs. Slocombe?

- No doubt, with a meeting as important as this,

she's got a couple of tennis rackets strapped on her feet,

and she's mushing her huskies

along the frozen Thames at this very moment.

- If she's got any sense, she'll still be in bed

havin' a nice cuppa.

A hot coffee for everybody.

Oh, Mr. Rumbold, you can't.

Oh.

M-m-m-m-my teeth won't stop chattering.

Well, put them in your pocket.

Come along, Mrs. Slocombe.

What are you pointing at, Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, I did have an umbrella.

But the wind blew it away.

Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Rumbold would like

to know why you're late.

Well, the central heating broke down.

I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it.

Poor little thing.

Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long.

It was frozen solid.

Coffee, Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh, thank you.

Oh no.

I don't think I can face it.

I been feeling a bit queasy these past few mornin's.

Queasy?

Nothing serious, I hope?

Oh come on, we must get on.

Now, we are here to discuss a suggestion

made by young Mr. Grace

at a senior sales management meeting.

Captain Peacock, you were there.

Perhaps you would like to summarize the points raised.

Mmmm.

I could've done that last night before we all went home.

Yes, well I thought of that,

but I didn't want to delay anybody,

due to the weather conditions.

Yes, we saw you sneakin' out early,

hoping no one would notice.

As I recall it, the young Mr. Grace

has been reading a paper about sales psychology,

and he's now very keen to take advantage

of the herd instinct in our customers.

Well I haven't had any herds

'round my counter lately.

The theory is that a customer

is more liable to buy something

if he sees another customer doing the same thing.

Oh you mean like the three card trick.

One of the gang starts the bidding

to get the other mugs to join in.

Well, that's not quite how it was put.

What if nobody starts,

will they just all stand there looking?

One of the assistants who is free

pretends to be a customer

and says complimentary things about the goods.

- Like I said, one of the gang starts a bidding.

- The assistant should employ such phrases as,

"I wish I could afford that!"

and, "By jove, that's good value for money!"

or, "I must have one of those

before they're all snapped up!"

- I've sat here and listened to some daft things in my time,

but this is the daftest thing

I've ever sat here and listened to.

Nevertheless, young Mr. Grace

is very keen on the idea,

so we're going to give it a try.

- And that's what we've all had to come in early for?

- Yes, well, we did think it would be as well

to dream up some more encouraging phrases.

So let's all put our thinking caps on, hm?

I've left the gas on.

- I don't think you've quite grasped the idea, Mr. Grainger.

What idea?

- Would you like for me to do him again, sir?

- No. - Don't do that.

Send him home to turn the gas off.

Now, come along, I'm sure

we can think of dozens of phrases.

Let's go along the line.

We'll have one from Miss Brahms.

Why me?

Start at that end.

- Oh well, it'll warm up the kitchen, perhaps.

To what does that refer, Mr. Grainger?

He's still on about the gas.

Damn, there's none left.

Oh now, that's very good, Miss Brahms.

"Damn, there's none left."

You see, that gives the assistant

a good chance

to produce another one of whatever they are.

Mrs. Slocombe.

Hey, I got one for Mrs. Slocombe.

"Fancy them making one of those in my size!"

- Are we going to have much more of that, Mr. Lucas?

- Well now, that's very good Mrs. Slocombe, yes.

You see,

it gives the idea of urgency,

in case the stocks should run out.

Captain Peacock.

"How thoughtful of Grace Brothers

to leave the doors open,

so that we, the customers,

can actually get in to buy things."

I take your point, Peacock.

Mr. Humphries.

"By jove, fancy Grace Brothers

being able to do them at that price.

A full range of sizes in all those lovely colors.

They're washable and durable.

I bet they never wear out."

Excellent, excellent, what is it?

- I don't know, but if you've got one, I'll have it.

Mr. Lucas.