Two and a Half Men

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

Larry, where can I put this poop?

This is my sister Gretchen. She just moved here.

Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.

We have a half hour till I have to go meet Larry.

I really like Gretchen. I'm-I'm not gonna cheat on her.

Gretchen is coming over tonight.

When I get back, I don't want to see Gretchen.

You know,

if I had a place to sleep here,

my apartment would be free.

You had me at "free."

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this.

Hello?

Lan mao shi zai wuding shang.Wow.

No, I'm on hold. I'm just making stuff up.

Honey, I'm home!

Hi, dear.

How was your day, darling?

Did you write some new commercials?

I sure did, Mother.

In six months, everyone in America

will be smoking refreshing cigarettes.

Or, as I like to call them,

healthy flavor sticks.

Kids, your father's home!

Look at all my little Schmidts!

And I pushed every one of those Schmidts out of me.

Hey, kids, if you eat all your dinner,

Daddy's gonna give a healthy flavor stick

to each and every one of you.

Hi, Dad.

I clogged the toilet again.

And I ain't cleanin' it up!

Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta. Oh, Berta.

Walden.

Walden.

Walden? Oh, s...

Sorry. I was daydreaming.

We were married, and we had seven kids,

and they all loved cigarettes.

Okay, that's the last margarita for you.

So, I have good news and I have bad news.

Oh. Is the good news that we're gonna have sex

and the bad news that we can only do it five times?

The bad news is I have to go to San Francisco, like, now.

Wow.

And the good news is,

once I take care of this business,

I can stay here for a few more days.

Hmm, then I can take care of your bidness.

Oh, hey, Kate.

I see you're still as beautiful as ever.

Alan.

I see you're still as... here as ever.

So we're both doing well.

Okay, I got to go pack my stuff so I can leave. Mmm.

I'll take "phrases Alan Harper will never say" for $500.

She's leaving already?

Oh, I hope she doesn't use that bathroom.

I clogged the toilet again.

No, she's only gone for a couple days.Mmm.

And then I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Wait, married?

Well, isn't that a little fast?

Walden, you're always jumping

into these kind of things,

and you...You can still live here.

Mazel tov!

Hey. Hey. Hi.

What you guys doing?

I am taking Jenny to the movies.

Okay, you're not taking me.

Taking me implies we're going on a date.

I'm a lesbian. If anything, I'm taking you

'cause you can't get into an R-rated movie by yourself.

Hey. Hold on. Uh, before you go,

which one of these engagement rings

do you think Kate would like?

W... what?

You're gonna ask her to marry you?

She's only been back for one day.

Yeah. She's the one.

Do you know how rare it is to meet the one?

Let alone have it happen every six months?

No, no. This is... this is different.

I-I am... really in love with Kate.

Okay, I really love my life-size anime doll,

but it would be a little weird if I married it.

Right?

Look, Walden, you're in love with being in love.

You live like you're in a romantic comedy.

You know who's gonna play you in the movie about your life?

Julia Roberts.

Just... do what my dad did. Don't buy the cow if you can get

the lactating stripper to give you the milk for free.

Come on, Barry, let's go.

You know who would play me and you in the movie?

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

I'll be either one.

Hey, Charlie.

It's me, Walden.

We... never met, but I'm the guy who took your place.

Thanks for giving up your house.

I guess you didn't really give it up-- you died.

You'd have to be on crack to give up all this.

Anyway, I...

Is Jenny right?

I mean, do I fall in love too fast?

Come on, Charlie,

talk to me.

At least show me a sign.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Here, try my famous guacamole.

Oh, what makes it famous?

I don't know. It's...

really good and everybody likes it.

I didn't think you'd actually call me on it.

Do you have any famous recipes?

Well, there's the-the Strongman family meatloaf.

You'll have to make that for me.

Uh, the recipe died with my grandmother. Oh.

We'd always say, "Write it down, write it down."

And she'd say... : "Tomorrow."

One day, your tomorrows run out.

Oh, Nana Strongman. Aw.

Every day, I learn something new about my Jeff.

You and me both.

I wish we could be together every day.

Oh, what would that be like?

Well, let's put it this way:

The Strongman meat would not be loafing.

Move in with me.

Seriously?

You make this place a home.

When you're not here, this apartment feels

like it belongs to somebody else.

So what do you say?

I say yes.

Oh, my God, that's great!

But I insist on paying half the rent.

I love you.

Cash only.

Can I help you?

Hey, sorry to bother you. I...

I've been hiking all day, and I saw you had a hose out here,

and I was wondering if I could fill up my water bottle.

I have a hose?

Yeah.

Bottom of the stairs.

Good for me.

Uh, I... actually, I have filtered water in the kitchen.

Oh, I kind of had my heart set on dirty hose water,

but if you insist.

Should I...

I'm sorry, what?

Sh-Should I wipe my feet?

I-I don't want

to track beach sand into your...

...house sand?

Oh, no. That's-that's not sand.

That's the remains of the guy who used to live here.

No, it's not like that. He gets spilled all the time.

At this point, he's mostly lint. I'm Walden.

Vivian.

That's a beautiful name.

Thank you. My parents got it from that '70s show.

What was it called? Maude.

Ah. Yeah.

Wow, this is...

this is quite a place.

Your desk is backwards.

Excuse me?

Well, you have this beautiful view of the ocean,

and yet your desk is facing the wall with...

a picture of the ocean on it.

Yeah. It's... actually, it's-it's the Atlantic.

It's an inside joke.

For myself.

Uh, you know what, I better fill up and get going.

But it's, like... it's really starting to come down out there.

It's just a little water. I'm not gonna melt.

It's not like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.

I mean, you could wait it out here if you want.

We could have dinner together.

I'll-I'll order delivery.

Really?

Wow. Uh, yeah.

That'd be great.

Great. Okay.

Thank you.

You know, I-I got to ask, do you always invite strangers

into your home?

Oh, no. Usually they invite themselves.