Little Bitches

Can't believe we brought them, Marisa.

This is crazy stuff.

Can you guys just trust me?

I've been planning this all year.

Why are you laughing? It's not funny.

Okay, you're not cute. You're disgusting.

Guys, let's never be like that. No.

Let's just be us. We're so cool as we are.

I love me.

Man, last year, when the senior girls caught freshmen

they made them deep-throat bananas.

What? Like, unpeeled?

Yes, unpeeled bananas. Down their throat,

scraping those throats. Ugh!

It's so deep.

I could do, like, peeled though.

That would... that would, like, be sexy.

Like, mushy.

Sexy? No, no.

I don't know.

Dude, I can't believe we're doing this.

We're like the three amigos.

We're like Charlie's angels or TLC.

Oh, my god. Dude, I always wanted to be left eye.

I love that you said that.

Rest in peace, my nigga.

Ninja warrior for life.

No, she can say it. I said it. I can.

Let's send these bitches off right.

God, I'm tired of their shit.

Let's do this. No. What?

No, no, no. They're gonna destroy us.

No, when they caught the freshmen,

the entire year, they did this to them:

Is that a blow job?

Yes, blow job. They do that.

Right. For sure. That's so humiliating for that to be...

Oh, god.

We're gonna be fine. Stick to the plan.

We're gonna stay low, hide behind parked cars.

Keep up the pace. Okay, Annie?

I have to fart, but I feel like I might shit myself.

Hold it in. I'm gonna hold it in.

You don't wanna ruin that with a poop stain.

You keep that in there. I'll try.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

I think we just found this year's

banana-blow-job bitches, bitches.

Are you ready, bitches?

I've asked you so many times not to do that.

Hey, Sarah. I'm Marisa.

For sure.

Uh, I know we just met, but i... I have a question.

Before or after this is halfway down your throat?

I'm gonna ask before.

Okay.

Um, congratulations.

You guys obviously got into unis, but...

Bitches.

But what's up with state?

Did you aim high and fall a little short?

Or was that the plan?

Of course I wanted to go. My parents went to state.

Their parents went to state, and their parents went.

It's really well-known.

Yeah, I'm a legacy there.

No, yeah, totally. God, I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to, like, offend you.

Banana blow job, bitches.

I really don't wanna blow a banana.

I have, like, three months' worth of Adderall, ha, ha.

Would you want that?

Okay.

Okay, well, you're gonna have to catch it first, bitch.

Fuck you, hos!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god. Annie!

It wasn't even Adderall, you guys.

It was fucking ibuprofen.

Oh, my god! I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

You got this, girl. You got this.

It's gonna be okay. Oh, that was so cool!

That was so fucking cool.

It was invigorating. That was so cool.

I cannot believe we did that. Fuck, yes.

We are such cool best friends.

What? Let's always be this way.

Let's always be this cool and this there for each other.

Oh, my god. Yes.

Dude, in our senior year, we're not gonna do

any of that bullshit either, okay?

And I think we should open our college acceptance letters

together at the end of that stupid party.

Really? Yes.

That's a great idea. That's amazing.

It'd be so meaningful. It's dope, I like it.

Right? Aw. Yeah.

You know what it's time for?

I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say, like, "a group hug"?

It's time for a group hug.

Is it group hug time, Annie?

Group hug.

Get in here. I love you guys.

Grandma, is this new?

Yes, indeed-y. And it is fire.

Went to the pharmacy Friday.

Okay.

This one is yours.

Thank you, baby doll.

You gonna open that, sweetie?

No.

All right, stay bad, gram.

Just promise me you'll wait to smoke that until after school.

I promise.

She gonna smoke it.

Pretty sure your hands are supposed to be under your butt.

Hey, where's your letter?

I've got a letter V right here.

No, your college letter.

Okay, Annie, I really don't wanna deal

with the bullshit today.

Like, I'm just trying to chill.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Yes, please, give me a hit of that.

What, you woke up with asthma?

I'm pretty sure I did. I've been just so out of whack.

Why are you doing Kegels?

Do you just know if you have a tight vagina?

Yeah, it just, like, depends, I guess, on the day.

I know that, like, your vagina, like, looks

really messed up after you have kids,

along with your butthole, so...

How does your butthole look different?

Sometimes it just rips and becomes one giant hole.

I'm serious.

I do my Kegels in silence.

You don't have to do that. You don't.

You can sit and do it in silence.

You can do it in class.

You look like you're gonna shit.

I am. I'm peeking a little bit. I do have to poop.

God.

Kelly waited. We're gonna open our envelopes together.

She waited. It's gonna be the best moment of our lives.

Annie, okay, look.

I'm gonna give you until 10 A.M.

To get your shit together and get this out of your system.

The bitch hasn't talked to you in two years.

We're not friends. I just... I don't... I don't have time.

So when you're ready,

you let me know.

Okay. Love you.

Sorry I'm late, Ms. Walker.

I'm never late, especially on my period.

I have a uterus like a wristwatch.

Funny you say that.

I've been told I have a uterus

the shape of a baseball glove clenching an acorn.

Anyway, how's that application to Cornell coming?

Well, my parents love it, but they love everything I do.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Um, when are you gonna cut the bullshit?

Sorry? The bullshit, honey.

I'm a college counselor, okay? A teacher of tomorrow?

Oh, that's intense.

You bet your puffy, little nipples it's intense, okay?

Puffy, that is totally what they are.

I have your file right here.

Know what's in there? Phenomenal GPA.

Test scores through the roof. You're a concert-level cellist.

And, yet, what did you write your personal statement about?

On a pledge that me, Marisa, and Kelly made freshman year.

Oh, right. That hair brained banana-blow-job pact.

"Look at us. We made a pact

to open our college letters together.

What's gonna happen? Oh, boy.

Even though we got the letters months ago,

and our poor parents need to put deposits down

to hold our spots."

It's selfish.

It's a personal statement.

Personal, okay? You wrote about two other people.

It's important to me.

It's ridiculous.

You should be ashamed.

Congratulations! Oh, my god.

Wow, that's a lot of balloons, mom. Thank you.

I know. I know. Nobody is surprised.

Your dad is making pancakes with little Stanford S's on them.

He's hungry after the night we had.

Oh, my god. That's a good one.

Right? That's a good one, mom.

You don't have to give me a high-five.

I'm gonna... No. Oh, okay.

Why don't we have

your first breakfast as a Stanford girl?