Teachers

Does anyone want to go on a 150 mile bike ride

with me this weekend?

It's to support schools in Uganda.

No, thanks. I prefer not to turn my vagina

into ground turkey.

What a surprise.

The six degenerates sitting around doing nothing.

Marty, shouldn't you be cleaning drawings of boners

off bathroom stalls?

For your information, I already rubbed out

three in the boys' room this morning.

The reason I am here is because I read an article

that said if you give underperforming teachers

new challenges, you get big results.

I immediately thought of this group.

Because we get big results?

No.

Principal Pearson loved my idea

so I will be assigning each of you

new extracurricular activities.

Ms. Snap, you will be in charge

of the after-school gifted program.

Oh, I can't relate to people with glasses.

Ms. Watson, Ms. Cannon, you will be

co-captains on field day.

I love organizing events.

I'm responsible for 97% of the marches

on city hall this year.

Mrs. Adler, Ms. Feldman, you will be assisting

with field day.

Ah, this will be just like being a wedding planner,

but without all the homicidal feelings of jealous.

Don't worry. We'll make you guys

feel super involved.

Not necessary.

These two control freaks in charge?

- Mama's not doing shiz. - Mm-hmm.

- What about me? - Sorry.

I often forget that you're here.

You will be teaching after-school sex ed.

I don't want to teach sex ed.

Ms. Bennigan, sometimes we have to do things

we don't want to.

I, for example, just had to have

this conversation with all of you.

You guys, I can't teach sex ed.

What I'm about to reveal to you is very personal.

I don't know how to say this,

but I'm a...

Virgin.

How'd you know?

Mary Louise, you thought a blow job

was a fancy hairdo.

What else would it be?

Ms. Snap? Hi, I'm Charles's mother Rita.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Pleasure.

I heard you're running the after-school gifted program.

How'd you hear that?

I was just assigned it this morning.

Well, I am the president of the PTA.

I hear everything.

You know what?

I want you to put my son in the gifted program.

Charles is a fine student, but I don't think

he would be happy in the program.

- Really? - Yeah, it's pretty advanced.

Well, maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I expect him to be placed in the gifted program.

Excuse me?

Wow, I assumed the teacher assigned

to the gifted program would be a little quicker on the uptake.

- I'm president of the PTA. - I got that.

And I think it is so great for women who don't work

to have a little club to belong to.

Oh, you do?

Look, if you fail to make this happen,

my "little club" will make your life

a living hell.

It's the PTA, not the CIA.

Is it?

This is gonna be great.

I know. I loved field day as a kid.

And we're clearly the right pair to be in charge.

If you could have sex with anyone,

but immediately after, your head would explode,

who would you choose?

- Cheech and Chong. - You can't choose two.

You have to choose one.

Oh, my God. This is like "Sophie's Choice."

Ugh, I choose Cheech.

But Chong gets to watch.

Mm, hot.

Ugh, you were saying?

Field day's a great way to teach children

about community.

Totally. And it introduces kids

to the reality that there are winners and losers in life.

- I'm sorry? - You know.

That some people are better than others.

Wait, just because you win doesn't mean you're

better than another person.

Everybody wins if they try hard and have a positive attitude.

Uh, wrong. Listen, I am who I am today

because I placed first in four national dressage tourneys

and I won my debutante ball.

I didn't know that was a competition.

- I made it one. - God!

Stupid jump ropes suck ass.

Hey! Stop playing around, you guys.

We still have to separate orange cones

and sweep out the volleyball area.

Okay.

Let's get this boat in the water.

Who knows what S-E-X is?

No one's parents taught them anything?

Okay.

Why don't we start with these models?

Okay.

Wowzers.

Okay.

Who knows what this is?

- A monster? - What?

A maze?

This is a 3-D model of the female reproductive system.

Okay. And...

who knows what this is?

A wiener.

- Also known as? - A .

Wiener works. Okay.

That means that these must be the berries.

Whoa.

Ms. Bennigan?

- Hot Dad. - Hi.

I'm your after-school parent volunteer this week.

What are we...

Working on?

Those jump ropes were the worst.

It was a like a Rubik's Cube and a Sudoku

banged each other and had a devil baby.

Yeah, these new assignments gargle ass.

I know. They suck.

The president of the PTA threatened me today.

Rita Towers?

She's a nightmare.

I wouldn't buy anything from the PTA bake sale one year,

so she stuck the kid with oppositional disorder

in my class.

She wants her kid in the gifted program,

but he would be miserable.

He thinks Lake Michigan is an ocean.

I already bought a giant winner's trophy.

I already bought 300 ribbons that say "Special" on them.

Perfect. We can stuff them into the trophy

to reinforce how special the winner is.

My assignment's a real stinker.

Sex ed? Can't be that bad.

It is. I still have my hymen!

My after-school parent volunteer is Hot Dad.

How am I supposed to explain sex ed in front

of the best-looking man to walk the Earth

since Donny Osmond?

- Oh, you lucky bitch. - Yeah.

This is a huge opportunity.

You teaching sex ed in front of Hot Dad

is just like the female baboon presenting her

swollen, orange buttocks to attract a sexual partner.

Ugh, that's not what I was thinking.

That is exactly what I was thinking.

Energy from the sun is actually food for plants.

Oh.

Mm. Too hot.

- Ms. Snap. - Marty.

I'm in the middle of a lesson.

I'm here to tell you that Mrs. Towers will be

your room parent for the week.

Mrs. Schneider is my room parent.

There's been a change.

Mrs. Towers will be your room parent

for as long as she wants.

Ohh, thank you, Marty.

I will be sure to add your proposal

for Administrator's Appreciation Week to our agenda.

Thank you so much.

Okay. I'm onto your game.

But it is so nice to have you.

Please, take a seat.

Okay, so where were we?

With all of that sunshine and water

and carbon dioxide, in the plants' bellies.

Oh, uh, plants don't have bellies.

Heh. They have chloroplasts.

- What? - Chloroplasts.

Chloroplasts convert energy molecules, not bellies.

That's so helpful. Thank you.

Mm.

Like I said, with all of the nutrients

in the plants' chloroplasts, they turn green...

Actually, the green color comes from chlorophyll.

You should probably teach at the top