The Mallorca Files

?

Yeah, Ma'am. Miranda, are you alone?

Yeah, of course. Just me. Well, and... the island.

Well, that's good, because what I've got to say

is a little delicate? OK.

We've had a touch of MeToo trouble over here.

I won't go into any of the gory details, but it seems

that we might have a few vacancies coming up.

And of course, I thought about you and all the wonderful work

you're doing in Ibiza. You want me to come back to England?

I knew you'd be excited. Welcome home, DC Blake.

Eh... PHONE HANGS UP

What?

Nothing.

I'm just thinking...

...I'm a lucky guy, you know? Live in a great place.

I have a great job.

And the woman I love brings me coffee in bed.

Meeting you was...

...the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Even better than that time you saw a seagull catch a chip in mid-air?

OK, the second best!

But that was a hell of a catch.

You know what?

I think I could teach you to catch chips too. Hm-mm.

So for that reason, we probably should get married!

Erm...

You mean it?

Or was this just another joke?

I love you.

Marry me?

OK.

Then I'll... think about it.

Wow!

? When the moonlight shines

? Down on the sea

? And you think that you got A shot at me

? Then set me free

? You got to set me free

? I'm so glad now...?

? So mad now...?

They want me to go back to England.

My boss called me this morning.

OK.

Well, that's... great, isn't it? Mm. Yeah.

I, erm...

...I also have some news.

Mm. I asked Carmen to marry me.

OK!

Wow!

That's just what I said! Wow!

Yeah. What did she say?

She's thinking about it.

OK. Mm-hm.

Yeah. But when she said that,

was her face, like...?

Or was it more like...? The first one, yeah, definitely the first one.

Oh, well then!

Congratulations. Thank you.

Oh, OK.

Blake, Winter? My office.

You know Jurgen Kuhl? Of course.

Oh, and it's Jurgen Kuhl.

Listen.

It's too early. I have a hangover.

And my special machine is broken.

You tell her.

Jurgen Kuhl invented Deutsche Musik.

SHE GARGLES

It's a big singing show. Huge in Germany.

And he's the lead judge.

Controversial, larger than life, brutally honest.

I don't watch TV. My parents didn't have one.

They thought it rotted your brain. Maybe they had a point.

So what?

Apparently someone is stealing his recording equipment.

So he absolutely insists we investigate immediately.

And naturally, I thought of you.

Go now.

? Auf wiedersehen, baby

? Danke schoen, Oktoberfest...?

Jurgen Kuhl is a cultural titan, He's been making music and records

for more than 20 years. In Germany.

OK, listen.

? Einstein, Wittgenstein Beer stein, baby

? Ya, ya, ya, ya

? Ya, ya, ya, ya

? Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya

? Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya!?

THEY LAUGH

No, it's appalling!

I think it has a very positive message, but OK.

? Haagens, haagens, haagens...

? Big in the house, Guttenberg

? Hindenburg, Hockenheim

? Dalmstad...?

Nice, if you want to live in a prison.

Maybe when you're one of the most bad-tempered millionaire in Germany you need some privacy.

HE WHISTLES

The famous white piano. All the hits started there.

There he is, the man himself, Jurgen Kuhl.

It actually makes me nervous.

Did you sign a contract? Yes. Then go. Sing to them or leave. Go!

Ah, at last. You're the police?

I'm Detective Blake. This is Detective... Whatever, come, come.

Here, come and look.

You see my problem?

They insisted on us using Spanish crew,

but they all have families who need to eat.

Apparently.

So even though I pay them, all a damn fortune,

still my precious equipment vanishes into thin air.

You're blaming the locals?

Isn't that a bit cynical?

Deutsche Musik has brought publicity and investment

to this island for years. Millions of euros.

Millions. They all owe me!

Yeah, you!

Instead of giving me a damn medal, they steal from me.

Now, that's pretty cynical, don't you think?

How can you do that?

What the hell is he doing? Jens?

JENS SINGS

Jens?

HE SINGS

Jens... why you stop?

Herr Kuhl, I said earlier that I need to sing my own...

...compositions, if you just give me a chance.

For God's sake, not this again, please. You sing my songs or you leave.

But... OK?

Playback.

Cool. We should get one of those for Inez. Click! Silent.

? Amazing grace

? How sweet the...?

You never listen to me. Can you...

You're - you can't hear me.

Oh!

? Saved a wretch...?

I'm sorry, but if he can't sing, why is he even on the show?

He's this year's Joker, the one people love to laugh at.

At first, eh, we only had the best singers on the show.

Big talent and beautiful voices.

But it gets dull just listening to talented people.

So my genius, I understood the audience loves a fool,

an ordinary loser, someone just like them, someone so desperate

for success that they humiliate themselves in front of millions

of people week after week, after week.

Is this a kind of freak show?

And he knows this - that he's the freak?

What? Are you crazy?

These people aren't actors. They need to believe.

So I choose what I need.

They are my creations, my players.

What did Shakespeare say? All the world's a stage, right?

Let me tell you, if Shakespeare was alive today,

he would be making this show.

Find my stuff, Detectives.

So, did you notice any suspicious activity?

Not really.

I've been in rehearsal, make-up...

...sleeping. I sleep a lot.

I'm like a cat. Oh, what are those things on Insta that sleep a lot?

Erm... a sloth?

No, that's wrong. Maybe it is cat.

So I would have definitely noticed something.

I'm a super observant person.

And I even saw an eagle yesterday.

Out there. I think it was a sign that I would win.

An eagle is basically God.

So God has chosen me!

This is a really negative thing to do.

Can we finish the interview later?

Cos I need to meditate now, OK?

OK, let me think.

OK.

There was a guy yesterday hanging around by the pool.

I definitely didn't recognise him.

Did he have a long net?

Wait... yes.

Yes, he did. Is he one of your suspects?

He's the pool guy.

Right. Yes. That makes sense.

You never listen to me!

I'm done!

You fat idiot! Don't call me fat! I have a condition.

Yeah. You know what it's called? It's called eating like a damn pig.

I have an audition!

How many times, Jens? How many times? You want to be on my show,

you sing my songs. These guys know this, right? Right?

Yeah. What's so hard to understand? Hey, hey, hey!

I think we can all just chill a little bit. But you heard what he said.

Don't you dare interrupting me any more!

What's important is the show, and the show must go on!

I have a great singing voice.

I've a great voice. And I am very important.

OK. Well, what I think is important is that we all calm down.

I love your singing. Really, it's, it's cool. Isn't it?

It's full of passion.

You lie! Liar!

I heard what she said.