New Girl

Jess, are you okay?

Honey, you just fled to your dad's house in Portland.

What I did was a very tasteful,

very understated skedaddle

so I could get some much needed space from Nick,

and it worked. I'm fine.

- So, you're coming back? - I would, but...

Ashley's out of town, and the man doesn't do well without his wife.

I can't in good conscience

leave my elderly father here

without someone to help him steam-clean his bowling trophies.

Hey, Jess. I think you should go home.

Shut up, TV! That was the TV.

- Hello? - Go home? I just got here.

And I-I love that.

I love a surprise visit for no reason at all.

We had fun,

but don't you think it's now,

it's time for you to, you know,

get back to your life.

Dad, you still need me.

I mean...

we really half-assed those trophies!

What? Th-they look great.

Look. Oh, this one. This one is fantastic.

See this one? This is the ball that I won that trophy with.

This ball right here. Helen, I call...

Oh! Dad!

I-I waxed the holes.

You waxed the holes?!

Was I-I not supposed to?

Not wise! Not wise!

It's okay.

I'm right here,

and I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, I'm so nervous to meet your mom.

I'm bad with women and family.

I wish she was a male stranger.

You guys talking about Charmaine?

- Yeah, my mom. - Charmaine is a tough lady.

My mom is just protective, okay?

My dad walked out on us when I was a baby.

- I am her only son. - Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

- Rude. - What are we doing here?

Yeah, what are you doing here?

- Why are you here? - What, just because we moved,

we have to justify our presence here?

Well, you don't live here, so...

We're allowed to be here for no reason at all.

Oh, I get it. You're sad and lonely

in your new house and you miss us.

We do not need this.

If anything, you-you people need us.

We are married homeowners. Benefit from our wisdom.

Okay! I got to go.

Aly and I have an invited guest to plan for.

- Oh. - Good burn, Winston.

- You're getting better at those. - Thanks, man!

Okay, I am off to my drug party.

Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew is in town for a convention.

Have fun. If you get too drunk to drive, call me,

'cause I will be, too, and we can be twins.

Wait, you're not going?

Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends?

Mm, we never really talked about it.

Seems like something that a married homeowner should weigh in on.

How could you not talk about such a major relationship step?

Ugh, because we're not all couple-y like you guys are.

We don't talk about every little tiny...

We don't gab all day

like a couple of Italian grandmas hanging their laundry.

Talking is the lifeblood of a relationship.

- Truth. - The problem is,

is neither one of you wants to take the initiative.

You're both communication bottoms.

One of you needs to be the top.

What does this have anything to do with hamburger buns?

Look, we do things in our own way, right?

It's not like I don't want Nick to come with me.

And for the record, I would love to meet your friends.

- That would be great. - So...

All right, I'm going!

Get off my back!

So what are you guys doing here?

- Never. Never in my entire life. - Okay.

- Never. Never. - My blood built this loft.

Maybe as an icebreaker we tell your mom about the time

we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking.

One small thing... it's a footnote, really...

my mom don't know I'm a cop.

What?

- Winston, why? - She's a-a protective single mom.

She's always freaked out at the tiniest thing.

My baby! I turn my head for one second.

Lord, where is my baby?!

- Wh... - I went to look at bikes.

Oh!

She still thinks I'm in sports radio.

I still record shows for her.

You got to promise not to blow my cover.

- Wait, what are you doing? - I have so much police stuff.

Now, I realize you're getting caught up in a lie

against your will, but...

my mom is coming to see you.

Okay? It won't even come up.

But if it does, you're my producer.

- Bishop! - I'm-a hide that.

I love him, I love him, I love him,

I love him, I love him...

Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore.

All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once:

The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story.

Anyway, I got all your stuff...

your bandages, your hydrogen peroxide, your gummy peaches...

You're making too big a fuss out of this.

I mean, I've had so much worse.

This is just a bruised toe.

It's your index toe.

Very serious. That's the toe you point with.

You've been great to me. You've taken care of me.

Now I'm gonna do something for you.

I'm gonna get you a ticket.

Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A.

Dad, I am not leaving you like this.

Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process,

and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners.

And you know how slippery your bathtub is.

I won't stand up! I'll just roll out!

Dad, I'm sorry, but I need to show you a little tough love.

Get in bed.

Do it.

"She was born on the freakiest of Fridays..."

Okay, we're in 42 markets, big show coming up

- with Stephen A's brother Stephen... B. - ... B.

our lead-in is a cooking show

- called The Ugly Dumpling... - So funny.

Hey, is all of this necessary?

That's just in case it comes up.

Which, like I said...

it won't.

Mm... I feel like it might.

- Mother-in-law troubles, huh? - What?

- Second mom drahm? - Hey, seriously why are you still here?

That's your most pressing question right now?

Not why did I sign up for this ill-advised

talk radio alternative reality?

Guys, we're trying to prep, okay?

So if you're gonna be in our home,

please, step back from the mic.

That's radio lingo for when someone's on the microphone

and you don't want them to be;

- you say, "Step away from..." - I got it.

Baby!

You are a radio personality!

You just can't leave your front door open

for any ol' Menendez brothers to walk into.

Ooh...!

- This is Aly. - Hey!

Long time listener, first time visitor.

Oh.

Radio. She referenced radio.

Uh, yeah, Mom, you know, we talk about work all day long, so...

Well, it's not work when it's with your girl.

Now, Aly, tell me,

do you two ever sing the call letters

to each other to fall asleep?

Mm, mm-hmm. Yep.

Oh, I thought you two moved.

Whoa, drug companies have a lot of money.

_

Well, this is great.

I feel like you finally brought me to your home planet.

Yeah. I'm really glad you came.

All right. So tell me about these pharm reps I'm about to meet.

I mean, I don't know what I can really tell you about them.

We sort of became friends at these conventions,

and we go from city to city with each other.

It's kind of like camp friends?

Except everybody's, uh, slept together a whole lot.

It's exactly like camp friends, I guess.

All these people have had sex with each other?

- Mostly, yeah. - Mostly. And with you?

You had sex with the... yeah?

- Why wouldn't you? - Yeah.

Oh, you guys are like groupies, but for yourself. I dig it.

Are we gonna have to, like, talk this out right now? Or...

- I'm good. Are you good? - Yeah.

- I'm cool. - Okay.

Ah, I'm not a talker. Talking's not my thing.

Great. This is why we work.

'Cause we're not like Schmidt and Cece.

We don't have to write each other a love poem

every time I go into the other room.

- Oh, pass. - Reags.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How are you? - Oh.

Oh.

Off the ground.

- Jack. - I'm Nick,