Space Chimps

Since the dawn of time, space flight has been a dream.

The rocket made it a reality.

But before man braved that first giant step...

the brave stepped into the rocket...

and the brave were chimps.

Ham 1 was the first American to boldly go...

where no man, or chimp, had gone before.

And tonight his brave legacy lives on.

Introducing Ham the Third...

Ham's one and only grandson.

Thank you. Thank you. No autographs. No flash photos.

Okay, fine. Photos. I'll sign that later.

Ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselves in as we embark on a mission to the stars!

Space, stars, blah, blah, blah.

- Enough with the lecture. Let's get to the action. - Aim high, buckle up.

Chin down, opposable thumbs in.

When you gonna stop worrying about me, Houston? Space is in my veins.

- And between your ears. - It's showtime!

Here we go! Come on! Let's make some noise!

Let's tear the roof off of this tent. We're gonna go bananas!

Hup! Hey! Hoop! Prepare to be amaze-ified.

- Let's light this candle. - Say it with me.

- T-minus three- - Three, two, one!

Blast off!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Ladies.

And back again.

I'm so excited. I just can't hide it!

Keep your eye on the landing pad.

No monkey business.

Stay on target, hotshot.

Big finale comin' up. Hoo-hoo!

And a flipsy...

and a dipsy and a do.

Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

- Oh, Lord. - Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

This is not good! Oh!

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

He's always showboatin'.

Ta-da!

It's all good, folks! That's why I put the helmet on the monkey.

The Infinity probe successfully advancing past lunar orbit.

Status: Unmanned and remote-controlled.

Mission: Search for life.

Detecting unidentified space anomaly.

Warning. System malfunction.

System malfunction.

- It's so pretty! - Ha!

Come here, little fluttereye.

- Oh, no! - Zartog!

Can't you brats read? Keep away from my house!

- Oy. - Hmm.

You monster!

If I could catch you punks, I'd dunk you in the Freznar too!

No wonder why everyone in town hates you!

Just the way I like it. Huh?

Whoa! Look! It's coming closer!

It's a sky beast!

Crudlar.

A gift from the sky.

Hey!

Huh?

I am the Infinity probe from the planet Earth.

We will now perform a full-body examination for purely scientific purposes.

Oh.

Since the dawn of time, man's indomitable spirit...

has led to great achievements in culture and civilization.

He's created wonders in architecture, art, music, engineering.

But man isn't all work. He likes to play too!

I want to live like them.

- System control interface operational. - Huh?

Manual override engaging.

Help me!

- Aha! - Huh?

A new day has come, and that day is Zartog!

The simian program started in the 1960s.

And these chimpanzees are like the ones used in the first space missions.

- When do they go in space? - Well, they don't.

They're just exhibits of the past.

Hey, what's up, Comet?

I don't know, but something big!

What do you mean "lost"?

Senator, the Infinity was drawn off course...

by a magnetic attraction from a dimensional anomaly in the time-space continuum.

- In English. - It was sucked into a wormhole.

My constituents care about potholes, not wormholes.

Do you know how many potholes we can fix for five billion dollars?

- Area of the pothole. - The power of three.

- Multiplied by four. - Cosine.

- Multiplied by seven. - Carry the two-

50.6 million!

- Depending on fluctuations in asphalt- - Labor costs-

- And overtime. - It was a rhetorical question, brainiacs.

Our data indicates the Infinity's emerged on the far side of the universe.

As you can see from this image...

the Infinity has landed on a planet in a crater filled with H20.

- It means water. - I know what it means.

Senator, if the atmosphere is viable, the planet could sustain life.

Maybe even an NFL expansion team.

This could prove what we suspected all along.

We are not alone.

Just think what a mission could do for science.

Not to mention T-shirt sales.

Political gold. I want astronauts over there pronto.

Not gonna happen. Too risky for humans.

We don't have a clue how the wormhole will affect living tissue.

It could transmogrify the D.N.A., causing blindness.

- Heart failure. - Most likely, death.

Gripping.

Comet, what are you doing?

Getting us a mission.

- We could send the chimps. - Chimps? Chimps.

Hmm. Not humans, but not horrible. Show me what you got.

Guys, we got a mission.

Senator, Titan, Luna and Comet are fully prepared for the mission.

They have been training for this their whole lives.

Training, shmaining. These chimps are boring!

They're... chimp nerds.

Uh, technically, there's no such thing as nerds in the simian world.

I know a nerd when I see one.

- Do you think he means we're nerds? - No, no. We're super cool.

What this mission needs is some P.R., some sizzle to grab the media's attention.

It needs a chimp with the right stuff.

It needs someone like... him!

A real hero, with dignity and nobility.

He's been dead for 30 years.

But he does have a grandson.

Ta-da!

Ahh! Oh, ho-ho-ho! Houston, no! Ooh!

Oh! Thumb pain. Aah!

- When I promised your grandpa I'd look after ya- - Ooh! Ow!

I never thought I'd be playin' pick-up sticks with monkey bones night after night.

What can I say? I'm an envelope pusher.

- I can't do anything halfway. - Yeah?

Well, you keep showboatin', and you'll be halfway to the taxidermist.

No, no, you can't take him! He belongs to me.

Official government business: eminent domain, national security...

a lot of other scary black helicopter stuff you don't wanna mess with.

Ooh. He's older than I expected.

Well, you ain't no spring chicken either.

- And you're lookin' for- - Oh, he's so cute!

Yeah, I'm a hottie.

I am Dr. Smothers, and you are going into space just like grandfather.

Space? Wrong answer.

You got the wrong Ham, Doctor. Okay. Bye, space lady who's attracted to me.

- Hey! - Good to see ya. Take care.

- Don't let the door hit ya on the- - Well, uh-

He seems very excited to go.

Kid, you're throwin' away the only shot you got.

This is a chance to make good, live up to your legacy.

Hey, I'm the star of my show, not just the warm-up act for some human astronaut.

Your grandfather wasn't some warm-up act.

He was a NASA astronaut.

Got his face on magazines, newspapers, television.

- He even met the president. - I met the chief of police once.

Ham! He did somethin' to be proud of.

Had a dream and went for it.

- You got dreams? - I'm living my dream.

Whoa!

Uh, Houston? We have a problem.

Thanks for supporting your government.

Under threat of prosecution!

I- I'm- I'm gonna need that trailer back.

- Huh. - Well, looks like we're gonna need a new cannonball.

You like to travel?

- Here he comes. - Stand proud.

I can't believe it. We'll be flying with the grandson of the great Ham.

You sure they said "grandson"?

- Whoa! I know my rights. I'm calling the A.S.P.C. A! - Huh?

I demand to talk to my ringmaster! Help! I've been kidnapped!

Oh, he's clearly excited to be in a new environment.

Oh, God!

Good glass. Ow!

Commander Titan, navigation and coordinates.

Ham. Don't and care.

Lieutenant Luna. It's an honor, sir.

- Mmm-mmm-mmm. - Yeah. Oh, my.

Hello, lady chimp. Do not mind if I "dooble."

Luna means moon in Latin.

That's right, sir.

- What do ya know? Two lovers of language. - Name's Comet.

Computers and electronics. I look forward to serving with you.

Sorry, kid, but I gotta play Poughkeepsie on Saturday. Let's go, Houston!

Sir, with all due respect, you've been selected for a mission...

of historical significance in the noble pursuit of-

Land of the free, home of the brave. Yada, yada, yada.

Listen, the only mission I have is to entertain. Watch and learn.

- Abracadabble. - Oh, cool!

Oh, perfect. He's a joke.

Anyway, best of luck, break a leg, blast off-Whatever it is you say.

But I gotta bounce.

What are those?

Rocket packs. We'll be demonstrating them to the press Saturday morning.

My ticket home.

Quake with fear! Lord Zartog is here.

Ho!

By now, you are all aware of the insane power...

I command with my big, shiny driving machine whatchamathingie.

Are there any among you who oppose my rule?