Call Me Fitz

Jesus would be the first to tell you

that life isn't like the movies.

I swear to God, I didn't know she was a cop.

If I had, I never would have beat the suspect.

The good guys don't always win.

I second that. With a vengeance.

I swear to God, I thought she was drowning.

Why else would I give her the kiss of life?

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this:

Sometimes, the hero takes it in the ass, metaphorically.

I swear to God, I don't know

what happened to Sonja. Right.

You always break into missing womens' apartments

and try on their nighties.

Is that a euphemism for something?

And what do I do?

Nothing.

Live and let live.

That's my motto.

I'm the very definition of the phrase

turn the other cheek.

Turn to your left.

I want my motherfuckin' phone call...

And my pants.

Hey, I'm a "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am" kind of a guy.

You wanna kill me, just kill me.

You're not very good

at playing hide and seek.

Oh, for fuck's sake, could you be a little more vague?

Find me.

Before I find you.

I was being sarcastic, asshole.

First thing I learned in law school, Fitzpatrick,

guys who are guilty always fall asleep

in the interrogation room, you know why?

You're actually relieved you finally got caught.

Or I'm tired 'cause some asshole me up all night

asking me jerkoff questions.

You got a light?

No smoking.

So, what is this, good cop, sexually frustrated cop?

I'm not sexually frust-- I'm not sexually frust--

So.

Why did you break into Sonja's apartment,

getting rid of evidence?

I didn't break in.

I had a key.

And I told you, I don't know how I got there.

Don't know much, do you? No, asshole, I don't.

Don't play the shocked and confused boyfriend with me.

You had motive,

you had opportunity, it's time to admit,

you abducted that girl.

The gig is up, Fitzpatrick.

It's "jig," ass-tard

Pretty sure it's gig.

Jig.

BRB.

As the kids say.

Don't they say,

"Get away from me, you creepy old wanna-be twink?"

LOL, scumbag.

LOL!

Why isn't he behind bars, yet?

Don't take it out on me just because you've

let yourself go.

I'm pregnant, idiot.

And, you said my testimony was all you needed.

To get Fitzpatrick arrested.

To get him convicted, I need a confession.

It's our antiquated penal system, they need things like

witnesses and evidence.

The man is a menace.

His perversions are growing stronger.

Fuelling his every move.

He can't be allowed to go free!

Look, unless you actually saw him kidnap Sonja Lester--

I actually saw Fitz kidnap Sonja Lester.

If it helps your case.

I do not fabricate evidence, Miss Foxley.

Hmm. You know...

Angry is a...

Very good look for you, Chester.

These, um...

Pregnancy hormones?

Make me angry, too.

They also make me...

Very horny.

Um...

Mmm...

Josh, Josh, have you seen Richard?

What!?

Have you seen Richard!?

This one time, he came out of his office sportin' wood

and he asked these customers for an orgy.

It was classic--

I meant today.

Gotta be more specific.

He's disappeared.

And I'm worried that the Lebanese mob

have exacted their own brand of...

Debt collection.

Ask them. What--?

That's good, I'm so relieved, because if they're here,

that means that they don't have Richard.

Ah, wait! No, no, I'm panicking, I'm panicking again!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Just check the jail.

And why would I do that?

Because he called asking for bail this morning.

This place would fall apart without me!

Ow! Tah!

You have no clue what you're doing with that, do you?

Phonebook's used to beat people.

It works 'em over pretty good and doesn't leave any bruises.

Do you want me to show you?

I'm a successful prosecutor

and you will treat me with respect.

Respect is your own glory hole.

Why don't you tell me where you're at with your prosecution,

I'll let you know if I can shed any light.

You think I'm stupid?

I think you're a fuckin' moron.

Ali.

Miss Devon.

Can I help you?

Yes, you can stop badgering my...

Client.

I'm your client?

I'm her client.

Not by choice.

Legal aid sent me, I will be petitioning the court

to drop all charges against my...

Client.

Ali, I have a witness who saw him with the victim

just before she was abducted.

And I have a witness who was

with Fitzpatrick

at the time that she allegedly disappeared.

Who?

I'd rather not say.

Her.

Really? Great.

Phew, does that put my mind at ease, or what?

At least I won't be railroading

the innocent man you spent the night with--

I didn't spend the night with him.

Just an hour or so.

I wasn't with him, okay, I was just...

Down in his area.

Oh, you'll go down in his area-- Ugh!

Chester.

Your vendetta against him has to stop.

Okay, I chose you.

Because you are the better man.

Honest.

Decent.

Don't sink to my le-- To his--

Don't sink to his level.

Fine, you can go.

Thanks, toots, now why don't we go somewhere private

so I could do a little pro bono work on you? Okay.

You know what, Fitzpatrick, that's it.

I'm gonna be all over you.

I'm gonna be there when you wake up in the morning

and I'm gonna be there when you go to bed at night.

And eventually, do you know what's gonna happen?

You'll try something gay?

No.

You'll screw up and I'll put you away

forever.

Doesn't anyone care that I'm actually innocent?

Not really. Nope!

Morning, Mocha Bear.

Oh! For the love of goodness and light!

You startled me.

Maybe.

Or maybe you're scared you got caught.

I don't remember you saying you were going out.

Why must you pollute the pure glacier creek of our love

with jealousy?

I wouldn't have to be jealous if I trusted you!

You're leaving me, aren't you?

Oh.

I thought I could escape it.

But the stink of my family,

generations of abandonment,

abuse...

Fuck that!

Ow, ah! Look at me, look at me, look at me,

my precious everything!

Can you not see it in my deep, beguiling eyes?

We are as one for eternity.

I will never leave you.

Ever.

Except for right now,

because I have several errands I have to run,

but I will be back!

Eventually.

Comin' in?